Her throat was so dry that she couldn’t answer.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” he said quietly. “So: I know you’re scared — and I understand it much better now. You’re afraid of giving up something of yourself just to make me happy. You've worked too hard to damage your career by having people accuse you of including physical favors in all your contracts. You feel like I make you weak…because your emotions around me are stronger than the ambition you’ve defined yourself by for the past few years. I know how that feels because I feelthe same way. Hazel, I hate it when my father makes me feel incompetent…and do you honestly think he would approve of my relationship with you? My job means everything to me — but I canceled appointments so I could be with you. And I’d never eat a Milky Way again, if that would make you happy. And you’re right, I’ve always had all the advantages, and you never did. Security is important to you because you’ve never had it, and everything inside you resists basing your happiness on something you can’t control. Because a relationship is always between two people. And fuck, that scares me the most too, because I’m just as dependent on you as you are on me! But ultimately…ultimately, I’d rather risk everything than lose the woman I love again.”
Her stomach churned. It was panic and something else, something light filled her body that perhaps frightened her even more. “You…you love me?”
Gareth sighed softly and lowered his gaze. He felt like he had back in the stuffy library, unable to keep the words to himself any longer. “How can you be so much smarter than me and still question that?”
“Come on!” she whispered sharply. “You’ve told me you love me before, Gareth.”
His head jerked back up, a fire blazing in his eyes. “Yes. And Istill do. I’ve loved you for ten years, ever since you corrected me in the lecture hall — and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I’ve tried, and I haven’t succeeded. So…I told you: I want it all or nothing, Hazel. What doyouwant?”
A paper bag to breathe into.
Her fingers clenched her skirt as her thoughts raced wildly through her mind. She felt like she was standing on the edge of a cliff — and Gareth was begging her to jump. If she did, she would hit so much harder than he would, though.
“Gare, it’s not that easy,” she said, nervously running her hand through her hair. “You claim to be just as scared as I am, but you won’t have to listen to the same thing. You can’t be fired, you’re the boss…but my clients can leave if it comes out that we’re sleeping together.”
“Your clients won’t abandon you if you explain to them that we’re not having an affair but a serious relationship. And all the other agents who judge you… They’ll always talk! But they’re not as important as the people who won’t. Like your friends and family. Didn’t you tell me that yourself?!”
Her eyes began to sting. She hated that he was so good with words, throwing her own back at her. “But if it doesn’t work out and we break up…”
“We’ll never know if it will work out if we don’t try.”
“I don’t know if I can afford to try, Gare! None of my players on the Hawks will trust me with their contract negotiations anymore! God, evenIwouldn’t trust myself with the negotiations anymore!” Her voice grew louder, as did the screams in her head telling her to take a step back, not to relinquish control to him just because he was so good at keeping it. “These are my biggest fish, Gareth. My agency, my plan to expand and open more locations, depends on them…”
“Hazel,” he whispered hoarsely, gently placing his hand on her cheek. “What if it works? What if we make the biggest mistake of our lives by not giving it another shot?”
She shook her head vehemently. “But what if it ends up being the worst decision? We argue too often, Gareth. We’re both so stubborn…”
“We argue. I like to argue. You like to argue.”
“Yet you make me angrier than anyone else! You can unsettle me more deeply, upset me more…” She shook her head and wiped away the tear that stuck in the corner of her eye. “I don’t want to hurt you…”
“And I don’t want to persuade you,” he whispered harshly, and she felt his thumb tremble as he stroked her cheek. “I meant what I said: I’m tired of fighting for someone’s love and having to prove who I am and what I feel. I can only tell you how I feel. You have to decide if you believe me and if you feel the same way. You either want me or you don’t. Either you risk everything — or nothing.”
His touch burned her cheek, through to her veins. Her mind was reeling. Her heart was beating too fast. Her lungs weren’t working properly. She needed a break. She needed to resist falling back into old patterns.
“Gareth…can we take a step back for a moment?”
He closed his eyes and slowly lowered his hand. “A step backto where?”
“I don’t know! Somewhere…safe.”
“Back to plans? Contracts? Things you can achieve with hard work?”
“Well…yes! Maybe.”
“Because you’re scared?”
Yes. “It’s too much, Gareth!” she snapped. “I’ve only just started to like you again and what you're talking about is going to affect my entire life! I don’t know what I want, and I can’t tell you right now. I…” She tried to organize her thoughts, but it was impossible. Everything was jumbled together. “…I need space,” she whispered.
And before he could stop her, she turned and fled down the hallway. She only wished she could run faster than her feelings. She really shouldn’t have worn high heels.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Anarchy it is.
Cursing, Gareth kicked the wall.
