After a second, she said, “It will be okay. You aren’t alone.”
Despite the numbness turning my body into a tingling mess, I started to tear up. “Thank you.”
She gave a small nod, held my gaze for a moment longer, then sucked in a deep breath and looked away. “See you later, Ms. Murphy.”
Without responding, I hurried from the building.
It felt like I was entering another world when I stepped outside. Not because anything about the town had changed, but because I had. I was a different person now. Would be forever. I’d been forced into a program where my body no longer belonged to me, had been inseminated with a stranger’s sperm, and now I was pregnant. A new life was inside me. One I didn’t feel connected to, one I didn’t want, but one I was responsible for keeping safe for the next nine months. Nothing would ever be the same.
My hand flew to my mouth when a sob bubbled up in my throat, and I had to swallow it down. Tears filled my eyes, and I blinked them back. No. I would not fall to pieces here. Not in public. Especially not where anyone from the Department of Fertility could see me. I would hold it together until I got home. I had to.
I started walking, my hand still pressed to my mouth, my eyes blinking rapidly. Barely did I remember the journey home, but I did know one thing. I didn’t give in until I’d made it to my apartment. Then I collapsed in a heap of sobs.
Once I’d collectedmyself a little, I sent Trevor a text. Between my overly emotional state and autocorrect, however, it was only slightly intelligible. Thankfully, we knew one another well enough that he understood immediately what was going on.
CANCELING MY APPOINTMENTS. BE THERE ASAP
Sitting on the couch, my arms wrapped around myself in a semblance of an embrace, I stared at the blank TV screenwhile I waited for him to arrive. My mind spun as I thought about the coming months and all the changes I’d go through. Morning sickness, exhaustion, a growing waistline that would announce to anyone who saw me that I was one of the chosen few. There would be no hiding that I was one of the fertile ones, and since women like me literally belonged to the human race, there would be no stopping invasive questions and uncomfortable conversations. Strangers would want to congratulate me, to give me their opinions about how happy or grateful I should be, would probably even think they had a right to touch my belly. It was going to be horrible.
My mind flicked from thinking about that to wondering about the life inside me and who the father was, as well as where this baby would end up. Not with me. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn’t change my mind about that. Motherhood wasn’t something I’d ever wanted. Still, I would carry this child for months, would feel it move and grow, would have to push it from my body when the time was right. It would be impossible to avoid forming a bond, but once we parted, I would never see my child again. Hilary had made that clear. The reality of what that entailed was a difficult pill to swallow. I would never know where he or she ended up, if their parents were nice, or anything else. How strange. How unsettling. How wrong.
I felt like I was on the verge of going mad. The questions and doubts going through my head had caused tremors to start moving through my body, and I was hugging myself tighter than ever, but it didn’t help because there was no escaping this thing. No running. No hiding. No way to avoid it. I was pregnant. The government had inseminated me with a stranger’s sperm, and now I would have a baby that was mine but also wasn’t.
When the door opened and Trevor rushed in, I let out a yelp, jerking like I was about to be attacked.
“Ara,” my best friend said as he hurried toward me.
When he reached the couch, he knelt and stared up at me. We’d known one another for so long, had been through so much during that time, and I’d thought I knew every one of his expressions, but the one on his face was foreign. It was a mix ofsympathy and uncertainty, of anger and pain.
Tentatively, as if I were a wild animal and he was afraid I might lash out, he put a hand on my knee. “I don’t know what to say.”
I tried to find my voice then shook my head when I failed.
Trevor took a deep breath, hand still on my leg, and moved so he was sitting beside me. Once he had, he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me against him. I was still hugging myself when I leaned into his chest. Already, my eyes had filled with tears, and being in his arms was so familiar, so comforting, that the dam struggling to hold in my sobs broke within seconds. They spilled over, running down my cheeks as my body quivered. My throat was raw from my earlier cry and my eyes burned, but I didn’t care, and even if I had, there would have been nothing I could do about it.
We stayed like that for a long time, Trevor silently holding me while I cried myself out. Even then, we only shifted to a different position. He leaned back, and I curled into him, sniffling into his chest. Probably ruining his shirt. He didn’t complain.
When I was once again in control of my emotions, I pulled back slightly, wiped the back of my hand across my face, and said, “Thank you.”
“I don’t think I did all that much.”
“You did.” I shifted so I could see him, then rolled my eyes at the large wet spot on his shirt. “I’m going to have to pay for your dry-cleaning bill.”
He gave me a crooked smile. “I never liked this shirt, anyway.”
“Sure.”
Again, silence settled over us, but this time, it was short-lived.
“I don’t know what to say, Ara,” Trevor said for the second time. “I wish I did. But I just don’t. And I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I mean, this whole thing is…”
“A violation?” I filled in when it was clear he was at a loss for words.
“That and so much more,” he replied.
I let out a long, tired breath. “But I’ll get through it.”
“You’ll get through it,” he repeated confidently.
