And make sure I didn’t step out of line. Talk about Big Brother watching.
Books like George Orwell’s1984and Margaret Atwood’sThe Handmaid’s Talehad always intrigued me, but never in my wildest dreams had I imagined I would one day be living in a society very much like the ones portrayed in them. The United States of the past had been called the land of the free, but there was nothing free about the situation I now found myself in. No, this was an Orwellian nightmare.
Dr. Hendricks cleared his throat, drawing my attention his way, and when he spoke, his light tone and bright smile contrasted with the band shackled around my wrist. “I guess we should get down to the nitty gritty.” He patted the exam table, which was covered in the usual thin paper. “We’re going to step out for a moment so you can undress from the waist down. Okay?”
I got to my feet and managed a meek, “Yes.”
The doctor gave me a smile that didn’t reach his eyes and waved to the door, indicating Hilary and the nurse should leave. They did, and he followed.
Before pulling the door shut behind him, he said, “I’ll knock. Just let me know if you’re ready.”
I’ll never be ready,I thought, but out loud said, “Okay.”
Again, he gave me a tight smile, then stepped out of the room and pulled the door shut.
I undid my pants with shaky hands, trying not to think about what was about to happen. It was just a regular exam. That was all. I got one every year, and there was no reason to be worried. Everything would be okay. I would be okay.
Convincing myself that was true was impossible.
Naked from the waist down, I folded my pants, tucked my underwear inside them so they were out of sight, then set them on the chair I’d previously been sitting on. Then I hoisted myself onto the table, unfolded the scratchy paper covering meant to give me a fake sense of modesty, laid it over my lap, and waited.
I looked around the room as I did, taking in the charts and signs. One poster sported the image of a baby in a womb, head down as if ready for delivery, while another listed the possible birth defects that could result from drug and alcohol use. As if my new accessory would in any way allow me to partake in such activities.
Not wanting to focus on that, I shifted my attention to a bare section of the wall, hoping it would distract me. It didn’t.
A minute or so passed, then a quiet knock sounded, and the doctor’s muffled voice penetrated the door. “Ready?”
“Yes.”
I lay back before the door had even opened, not wanting tosee the doctor, nurse, or Hilary. My body was shaking, and fear was coursing through my veins. The underground had assured me that no one would be able to tell I’d had an abortion when I was sixteen years old, and it hadn’t come up in any of my previous gynecological exams, but doubt still lingered. What if they found out? I would be arrested, that was for sure, and then I’d be sent to one of the hospital prisons where I’d have to live until my time in the program was up. Then, and only then, would I be punished for ending my pregnancy. The consequences were steep, which meant I probably wouldn’t see the outside of a jail cell for a decade or more.
“We’ve gone over your bloodwork and other tests,” Dr. Hendricks said as he moved about the room, preparing for the exam, “and I’m happy to report that you’re in tiptop shape.”
Without meaning to, I glanced his way. He was smiling, and he wasn’t the only one. Hilary was beaming with what looked like pride, and even the nurse was grinning. And they were all looking at me like they were waiting for a response. What did they want me to say, though? Did they want me to thank them? That wasn’t going to happen, and I wasn’t going to pretend to be happy or that this was in any way my choice. Still, staying silent didn’t seem appropriate either, and while I didn’t want to indicate I was okay with this, I also didn’t want to make enemies. I would have to tolerate these people for up to three years, after all. We might as well learn to be cordial.
“How good for the human race.”
The words came out more sarcastic than I’d intended, but neither the doctor nor Hilary seemed to notice – he was too busy washing his hands and Hilary had turned her attention to her phone. Only the nurse reacted, but the glare she shot me was nothing new. She hadn’t liked me since our run-in on the elevator, and I was more than okay with that. Any woman who didn’t realize how wrong all this was could go to hell as far as I was concerned.
Despite the mask covering my mouth, I worked my lips into a smile that was a mix of smug and cheerful. Fake cheerful because there was nothing good about this situation. Since thenurse had been paying close attention to me, she saw my change in expression and scowled. I didn’t blink and I didn’t let her annoyance get to me.
“According to your chart, you’re pretty regular,” the doctor went on, oblivious to the silent showdown going on between his nurse and me. “Is that correct?”
He peered at me as he dried his hands, his gray eyes piercing beneath his dark brows.
“Yes,” I said, my smile melting away. “Every twenty-eight days.”
“Good, good.” He glanced at his tablet as if to confirm this as he pulled two gloves from the box mounted on the wall. “And the first day of your last period was May twenty-second?”
“That’s right.”
He wiggled his right hand into a glove. “Which means you should be fertile in the next two to four days. Excellent.”
My stomach tried to eat itself as he pulled the second glove on. “You’ll start that soon?”
“No time to waste.” He settled onto the wheeled chair and pushed it across the room, so he was in front of the exam table. “You’re the right age and your body seems ready. Which I will confirm in a moment. If all goes as planned, you could be finished with your required service in nine months. Not too bad, eh?”
I swallowed the multiple things I wanted to say in response. Things likeI’m not so sure you’d feel that way if you were in my shoes, andIt would be even better if I didn’t have to go through this at all. Neither of those statements would be helpful.
