I was too afraid to get angry with him again, afraid of what he’d do — afraid of what I’d do. I didn’t trust myself with him, and I hated myself for this internal struggle. This should’ve been easy, but he’d gone from captive to something more, and I hadn’t even noticed it happening until it was too late.
I’d wanted him to love me before.
Now I just didn’t want him to hate me.
“I’m not trying to buy you off. I…” I paused, not sure what I was doing. “I want to do better.”
“Why?” There was something plaintive in the word, something that made my heart ache all over again, and I couldn’t help but wonder just how much damage I’d done — not just to our tenuous “relationship,” but to him as well.
I hadn’t cared when I was working toward breaking him, but once I’d decided I didn’t want him truly broken… Everything had changed.
Maybe it had even changed the first time he’d kissed me.
I sighed, not sure what to say. “I can’t… change what I’ve done,” I said slowly. “But I don’t want to be that way. Not with you.”
“Butwhy?” he pressed, anguish replacing the plea.
“Because I care about you,” I whispered. “I never expected to, but I do.”
Saying it aloud took something from me at the same time as it ripped me apart. I hadn’t wanted to say the words, hadn’t wanted to admit that I felt that way about him, but there we were. I couldn’t deny the truth no matter howmuch I wanted to. I needed to earn his trust back, and the only way to do that was with the truth.
But would I have lied if it wasn’t true? I didn’t know.
Probably not. I’d just have insisted that he needed to take me at my word because that was how things were. Or I wouldn’t have said much at all. I would’ve just made him stop because he was mine.
He was still mine, but the problem was… I was his, too, which never should’ve happened.
Now that it had, I had no idea what to do.
It was one-sided, and I wanted to make it stop, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“Oh.” He went silent, wetting his lips with his tongue.
I wanted so badly for him to say that he cared about me too, but I knew it was asking too much — especially right now in the wake of what I’d done. I wasn’t going to hear those words from him no matter how much I yearned to.
“Dinner?” I prompted.
This time, he nodded.
As much as I wanted to trust him, I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t risk him being free to roam around my house. Usually, I’d have put him in the kennel, but it seemed like we’d come to some tentative truce. I didn’t want to ruin that, but I couldn’t leave him unfettered, either.
I eased back, finally breaking our holds on one another, and I grabbed a pair of handcuffs from the bedside table. “Do you want this, or the kennel?” I asked.
He deflated, the same misery appearing in his eyes then. “Neither,” he mumbled.
“I know,” I said softly. “But I can’t just leave you here either.”
Honestly, I was more worried about what he might do to himself than anything. He was so sad, and the last thing Iwanted was for him to hurt himself. If I let him remain free, he’d have access to too much to do just that.
“Handcuffs,” he said, sitting up and holding out his wrists.
I took one of them into my hands, securing a cuff around one wrist and the other to the bed. I took the key and tucked it into my pocket where it would be nice and safe, and I looked at him with a sigh. “I’m sorry,” I said, and the words felt more natural then.
“Are you?”
“Is there anything I can say that would make you believe me?” I retorted, feeling more than a little defensive.
It was his turn to sigh. He shook his head. “Probably not.”
