I never wanted Evan to see those. Never wanted him to know… and now he does.
“That’s why you left, isn’t it? Because you… want me?”
I close my eyes, wishing I could crawl into a hole. “Wouldn’t you have leftmeif you knew?”
He scoffs. “No.”
I glare at him, but he shakes his head.
“I wouldn’t have! I wouldn’t have known what to do about it. Hell, I still don’t, but I wouldn’t have wanted you to leave just because you’ve… fantasized about me or whatever. Don’t all friends, at some point?”
I raise a brow.
He laughs, cheeks turning bright red again. “Okay, no, I haven’t. With you, anyway. But you know what I mean. It doesn’t need to be a thing between us.”
Except it is. It so fuckingisa thing, and Evan can’t possibly understand that. All those fantasies, the times I jerked off to dreams of us together… all the feelings raging inside me. They’re real to me, and being around him again, controlling those urges, it’s intense, to say the least.
“But itisa thing, Ev,” I say softly.
He turns to look at me, listening.
“It’s not easy being around you. I mean, it wasn’t before when I wanted you, but it’s even harder now. Your scent—” I swallow hard, my nostrils flaring. “It’s an entirely new level of desire, and I… don’t have control yet.”
He doesn’t reply, his curious eyes searching for something in mine. “Do you need me to go?”
“No,” I say quickly. “I know it’s kind of fucked up, but it’s easier having you here now. It’s fucking hard, but it’s also easier. I don’t know how to explain that.”
He studies me. “Because you can protect me? Is that it?”
I hear the pain in his voice, like he thinks the only reason I want him around is to keep him safe. And that may be part of it, but it’s not all of it.
“I do want you safe, but that’s not the only reason. I want you here, Ev. I’vealwayswanted you close.” Can’t he see how that’s a problem?
Evan finally nods. “I just want to know if we’ll eventually find our way back to each other, because I miss my friend, Jericho.”
“I miss you, too.”
“Okay, good. Then none of this” he gestures to the notebook in my lap, “matters to me, okay? Fantasize about me all you want. Just stop leaving.”
I laugh just as the scent of smoke hits my nose. I turn around to look through the window, where Forest is feeding logs into the fireplace.
My skin bristles. I’ve never liked the smell of smoke. Have never been able to tolerate it more than a few minutes. It takes me back to a time I’d rather not think about.
Evan nudges me. “Wanna go for a walk?” He knows my aversion to the smell, and he’s the only one in my life who knows why.
“Yeah.”
We stop at the van so I can put the notebook away before turning to walk through the trees. We take the same path as I did yesterday, winding down to a stream. It’s much prettier today, with the sun filtering in through the trees. Birds chirp in the distance, and rabbits rustle in the bushes. Far off in the distance, beyond what Evan’s human eyes can see, I spot a few deer moving around.
At least hunting won’t be a problem. There is wildlife everywhere.
“There’s an eagle’s nest up there,” I say, pointing to the two tallest trees on the ridge.
Evan squints, like he’s trying to find it. I step in close and point again.
“Oh! Yeah, I see it now. Wow. Is there anything in it?”
“No, but Forest says they return every summer.”
