I loop around him a third time, and Rowen’s giant paw comes down on my chest, pinning me.Gotcha.
For a few minutes, the guilt lifts, and it’s just us—instinct and breath and matching heartbeats. He’s still slow, but each movement looks a little easier.
As we settle down again, the guilt and shame come back heavy as ever. All I can think about is the pack, and it makes me whine.
Rowen nuzzles me.What is it?
Your pack, Ro. How will they ever forgive me? How can you?
He stills.They will.
He must not know everything yet. If he did, he wouldn’t be this calm.
I attacked Jasmine.
What?
I hide my face.When I shifted. I didn’t know what was happening, and I just, I don’t know. Lost control and I bit her.
His silence stretches, and I brace for anger.
But Rowen just sets his head against me.She’ll forgive you, Toby. You know she will.
You don’t know that.
Yeah, I do.His voice softens.She knows how rough the first change can be. Trust me. She’ll understand.
What about the others? What if I killed someone during the fight?
You didn’t kill anyone. You got a few bites in, but we all do that. It’s instinctive.
Really?
He nudges me.I’ve bit Ivy, Neal, even Forest in fights before. It happens.
I want to believe him. I really do, but I had been so out of it during the attack that it’s hard to know if it was me or… something else. The memories are jaded.
I just wish I could explain what it was like. I felt… off. Like something else took over entirely. Not Rip, but something else. I just… reacted without thinking.
I want to scream at myself for losing control, but the sound is stuck in my throat. I can’t undo it, only hope they see my intentions.
Rowen doesn’t move, just listens.
Is it like that for you in a fight?
Sometimes I’m unaware of what I do, sure. We’re part animal; we’re going to lean on our instincts. But I know where this is coming from, Toby, and I don’t think it’s the half-blood. You wouldn’t have calmed so easily afterwards if it was. Remember, your father was a shifter too.He licks my head again.Focus on how you are now, okay? You’re aware of everything, right? Controlling everything?
Yeah.
Then trust that. You’ll be okay.
When our eyes meet, emotion clogs my throat.I don’t know if I can shift back.
Rowen must sense my anxiety because he moves closer.You don’t need to tonight, Tobe. Red told you it might take a few days. Just keep bonding with your animal. Trust yourself, just like you did when you helped us. You’ll know what to do.
I rest my head on his leg, wishing more than anything I could feel his arms around me. I need his touch more than ever. I need to know we’re truly okay.
How can you forgive me for what I did?
