“Okay.” He touches the screen, like he wishes he was touching me. “That’s good, though. I’m really fucking proud of you, Jordan. I hope you know that.”
“I’m just sick of feeling this way.” My voice cracks, and I hate it. “It’s like everything else in my life, you know. Like I’m not…enough.” I can’t even be enough for the guy who is everything to me.
“Jordan, sweetheart. You are enough,” he says firmly. “Exactly as you are. Andwe’reenough, exactly as we are. With or without sex. None of that changes who you are to me.”
I stare at him for a moment. “It’s just so frustrating. Because I really enjoyed today. The whole thing, you know? I’ve felthappy,even if it’s not what we both want. So why can’t I feel that too?”
“I’ve enjoyed it too.”
“I’m sorry if I ruined it.”
“You didn’t. Can I say something, though? Just for you to think about?” He sits up, holding his phone. “I don’t think this is just your meds. I know that’s part of it. We’ve experienced it. But Jord, I think you’re the kind of person who needs connection to be aroused too. It’s why you felt it so strongly when we were together. And maybe it’s why you’re not now.” His words linger, saying what we both don’t want to admit. That even though it was a good day, it isn’t the same. Trying to stay close through a screen isn’t the same as physically touching each other.
I exhale slowly. “Yeah. I’ve thought about that too, actually. Especially with how sudden it was that first day.”
“Exactly. There’s nothing wrong with that, or you. You trust me, right? You know I’m not upset or feeling like we’re missing something? You believe that I’m happy with you?”
“I do.”
“Good. I love you.”
I smile, blinking back tears. “I love you too.”
Miles lets his attention wander back to the TV, and within minutes, he’s cursing at the contestants again. It makes me grin.
At least I don’t have to show him the avocado coaster I’m attempting to make. It looks like something you’d find in a science lab.
Sometime later, we disconnect for the night, eyes tired from spending way too much time on the screen. The ache lingers long into the night, but it’s not only the ache of distance or even feeling disconnected that’s bothering me. It’s the ache of not being where I want to be yet. It’s like I keep taking tiny steps forward when inside, I’m ready to leap.
But maybe soon it’ll change. Just a few more days until I talk to Dr. Briggs.
I hope she can help me, because I want more days like this. Every good and perfect moment with Miles. I want it all.
18
MILES
I’ve just taken the first bite of my pho when my phone buzzes on the cafeteria table with a text from Pete. I grin as I swipe to unlock the screen. We’ve only spoken a few times since I saw him in San Diego.
Pete:So… I may have accidentally told your mom about Jordan (sorry). She asked how we saw each other, and I let it slip that you were in town to see your boyfriend. Oops. Cut me some slack? I was nervous to talk to her after all these years. Anyway, we both know she won’t let that go so expect a call soon. Sorry if she gives you grief. Call me!
I groan around the chopsticks. “Dammit, Pete.”
Boyfriend?Did he really have to use that word? He couldn’t have said it was someone I’ve been seeing? Or a new guy? He just went full-on boyfriend?
But I can’t even pretend to be mad. Pete calling my mom is huge. They haven’t spoken in literally nine years. Maybe longer.
Me:You are so going to owe me for that one, Uncle Pete. BIG TIME.
Pete:I know. I’m sorry! Good luck! (ducks and runs)
I laugh.
The truth is, I’ve wanted to tell my parents about Jordan. I just haven’t found the right time. The last few times we’ve spoken have been brief exchanges about their house remodel or my siblings, not me. I think it’s just hard for them to relate to me now, since they rarely leave Michigan.
I glance at the clock. I have seven minutes left on break. Eight if I skip the drink refill I was planning on. That’s enough time to deliver life-altering news, right? That’s how she’s going to see it, anyway.
Might as well get this over with.
