“I think I need to replace it.”
“I think you just need to learn how to use it,” I say. He bought a multi-function Ninja cooker so he can roast and bake for himself, but the appliance has been testing his patience.
“Shut up.”
Shadows dance across my legs as the sun dips lower on the horizon. “I need to go water my plants soon.”
“Didn’t you this morning?”
“Yeah, but it’s so hot that some of them need it twice a day right now.”
Miles sighs. “I wish I had that problem. I’m struggling to keep mine alive here. Look.”
He grabs his phone and walks over to the window, where three leafy plants sit on a table. Two of them are yellowing.
“Oh no.”
“They don’t get enough light in this room.”
“I’m sorry. Can you change rooms?”
He considers it. “Maybe. Seems kind of silly to ask just for some plants, though.”
“Not when you’re living there, babe. They matter to you. Isn’t that what you’d say to me, if our roles were reversed?”
The corners of his lips turn up. “Yes, I would. Look at you. Growing and stuff.”
“I am. Growing and stuff.”Largely thanks to you.
Miles plops back on the bed. “You know, it is our day off…”
“Yeah?”
He tilts his head, playful. “I’m just saying. You’ve been tempting me all day sitting around in your underwear. Makes me want to… you know, have some video fun.”
My laugh gets lodged in my throat, and I quickly look down at my hands, still resting on the yarn. “I want to, Miles. I really do. But I also… don’t. Not right now, and not… lately, I mean.”
When he doesn’t reply, my stomach twists, making me feel a little sick. We haven’t had any on-screen fun since he returned to Salt Lake City, though I know he’s wanted to.
I sigh. “I haven’t felt anything at all since you’ve left, which is impossible since I daydream about us having sex like, every night.”
He chuckles, but it’s the truth. I fantasize about it all the time. It’s a wonder I haven’t gotten hard. Not once.
Our eyes meet through the screen as Miles props himself up on his elbows. “Have you… tried? On your own, I mean?”
“Yeah. Several times. But nothing happens.”
He’s quiet for a long moment. “Well, I’m not hurt about this,” he says gently. “You know that, right?”
“I am! And I’m annoyed with myself! I want to want it, but I just… can’t. God, that sounds so stupid.”
“Youdowant it, Jordan. It’s clear you do. The physical part of it just isn’t there.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“And it’s not stupid. It’s honest.” His tone is full of patience. “I wish I could make it better for you. Would it… maybe help to watch me? Or would that just frustrate you?”
“I don’t know.” I close my eyes, suddenly tired. I hate that my body stays two steps behind my heart. It should be natural to want to have sex with my boyfriend, right?So why can’t I?“I have the appointment in a few days. I’m gonna ask her about it.”
