An ache blooms in my chest. “No word yet.”
“Well, if you want time off to go to him…” Declan gives me a pointed look as if to say,Just ask.
The thought of leaving San Diego still makes my palms sweat, but I have to admit, the resistance is fading. Salt Lake City is at the top of the list of places I’d go, if only so I can see Miles again. I just need the courage to do it.
After waving goodbye to my friends, I head home. Clematis greets me with a long meow, pleading for her late-night meal.
“Yeah, yeah,” I mutter, slipping out of my shoes. My limbs are heavy as I hang my keys.
Clematis circles around my feet before leaping to the kitchen island, waiting as I scoop some kibble into her bowl. It’s half of what I feed her in the morning, and no gravy. After scratching her ears, I grab a couple cheese sticks from the fridge and sit on the couch, but I am almost too tired to eat.
Today was a long day with never-ending customers, and it made the shift go by fast. I didn’t have time to think or feel. Now, it’s hitting me all over again. I’m aware of the loneliness and grief. The sadness. And it hurts tofeelit.
I rub my sternum. How did I live like this for so long?
Glancing at the time, I have ten minutes until Miles will be home. I want to hear his voice, and Iwantto talk to him, but the amount of energy conversation requires is like moving rocks with a trowel. It’s just not there. Neither are my words. I reach for the notebook, flipping to a blank page, but nothing comes. No words, no rhythm. Just emptiness and an ache that won’t turn into language.
I shove it away. Fuck depression.
Monday. I’m off on Monday. I’ll call the doctor then.
Or…
I pull my phone out, pulling up the doctor’s website in the browser. It takes less than five minutes to schedule an appointment to see Dr. Briggs.
Five minutes to do something I should’ve done two years ago.
Ridiculous, Jordan.
But at least it’s done. I see her in three weeks, and with any luck, I’ll be able to start moving forward.
Eventually, Clematis climbs onto my lap, flopping against my chest with a happy purr. I curl my arms around her warm body and press my forehead to hers.
“Love you, pretty girl.”
She flicks her tail. I’ll take that as anI love youback.
My phone buzzes with an incoming video call, making me smile. I hit accept.
“Hey,” I say.
Miles is on his bed, seeming just as tired as me. “Hey, you.”
We’re both quiet for a moment, existing with each other through a screen. Seeing his face eases the weight on my chest.
I settle deeper into the couch, rubbing my thumb over Clematis’s ear as I kick up the footrest.
“How was your day?” Miles asks.
“Not terrible. Declan told a story tonight that was so dumb I think I lost brain cells, though.”
He chuckles. “Oh yeah? Pretty sure a patient stole some of mine.”
“Assholes,” I mutter.
He snickers, but his smile fades quickly. “I miss you.”
“Yeah,” I exhale. “Me too. I was just thinking I wanted to see you again.”
