I don’t know if I can. I’m afraid of what I’ll see.
It takes effort, but I finally do. He doesn’t recoil. He’s not awkward or in shock. Not scrambling to fix me with a hug or a speech. He’s just here, blue eyes full of something dangerously close to love.
“Thatisa big redemption moment,” he says simply. “Youchoseto stay, and that’s everything. You hear me? It is.”
I try to believe him, but it doesn’t sit right. I focus on a rock instead, digging at it with a toe. “Anyway, I just thought you should know that if we’re going to call each other boyfriends.” I give him a weak smile.
His cheeks bloom pink. “You heard that, huh?”
I bump his shoulder. “I liked it,” I admit. “But, just so it’s clear, I haven’t been that bad since, and that’s the truth. I started my meds soon after.”
Miles shifts, leaning forward to capture my attention. His voice is careful when he says, “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah.”
“What meds are you on?”
I hesitate. “Lamotrigine and Wellbutrin.”
He nods slowly. “Okay. That’s a solid combo for some people. But it’s not working for you. Not fully.”
I scoff. “I’m still here, Miles.” He’s mentioned this once before, about changing meds. And it grated on me then, too.
“I know. And I’m so fucking glad.” His voice cracks slightly. “But Jordan, surviving and living aren’t the same thing. I know you’ve been trying, but… sweetheart, look at last night. You said it yourself that you’ve never felt that way before, and that you didn’t even think you were capable of it.” His tone is gentle. “Last night is proof you are. Even if it’s not all the time, but sometimes. You deserve more. Don’t you want that?”
I can’t reply. I don’t know how.
“Would you consider talking to your doctor again? About switching or adjusting or something? Because clearly, something’s still off if you’re fighting this hard. And I feel like you’re only telling me this now because you think that’s just how it’s supposed to be. Like what you felt, whatwefelt, was a one-time thing, and it doesn’t have to be.”
I clench the bench again, unable to speak. Not because he’s wrong. Because he’sright.Thatwasthe reason I was telling him. I’ve been bracing for the happiness to fade again so he can see the ugliness and run away.
But hearing him now paints a different picture. It fills me with longing.
I draw in a breath. “I want more of what I felt last night. I want this. I want you. I just—I’m scared. That I won’t be good enough for you or that I’ll wear you down.”
Miles rubs my back. “Don’t draw a line in the sand before we give this a fair shot, okay? I’ve seen your depression, and I’m still here, Jordan. I still came, because I want to be with you.”
“What if I change my meds and I slip back again, though? Go back to feeling that way? You don’t deserve that burden.”
He takes my hand, like he just can’t bear it anymore. “Neither do you,” he says simply.
I turn away, unable to look at him.
“It’s a legit fear, Jordan. It is. But I want you to ask yourself, what if by changing your meds, you goforward? What if that’swhat you need to feel that way more often?” He squeezes my hand, kind voice never wavering. Calming me. “And you’re not alone this time either,” he adds softly. “You and Declan are close now. Piper too. And you have me. We’ll help you.”
What good will Miles do if he’s a thousand miles away? My heart already aches with the thought of him leaving, and he only just got here.
But still, he’s right. I do have better support now. If I’m honest with Declan and Piper, and some of the others, they’ll understand. I have an entire crew of people who care now.
“I’ll think about it,” I say.
He exhales like he’s been holding his breath, then leans over to kiss my shoulder. He scoots closer, wrapping both arms around my middle. I let myself lean into him. Just a little.
“Thank you for telling me. I suspected it, but I’m glad you trusted me with it. And I’m really, really glad you’re still here.”
I kiss his head. “Me too.”
“Do you think we can go somewhere with AC now? I’m dying.”
