We come across a shaded bench under a pepper tree, worn smooth by sun. I sit down, and Miles sits beside me, close but not touching. I long to reach for his hand, but in this heat?
Miles points to a few bees hovering in the flowers, and a hummingbird whizzes past, its green wings iridescent in the sun.
“We didn’t get hummingbirds in Michigan,” Miles comments.
“No?”
He shrugs. “Not many, no. I think it was too cold, or the summers weren’t long enough? I don’t know. But I saw my first one when I took a job in Georgia. Thought it was so pretty. The way they fly is incredible.”
“Yeah, they really are beautiful.”
The silence is longer this time, but not uncomfortable. It gives me the courage.
“Miles?”
He turns.
“I’ve been wanting to tell you something for a while now, and now that you’re here, I think I need to.”
His smile fades slightly. “Okay.”
I look at my hands, noticing the veins under my skin. All the scars on my knuckles. Every little thing is an anchor to keep me grounded in the moment. Proof I’m still here.
I haven’t even shared this with Declan or Piper, but the truth is, it would be unfair to keep it from Miles, especially with the way things are going. He feels this connection just as deeply, as strongly, as I do. I can see it. I mean, Miles called meboyfriendthis morning while we ate, as if it had been the easiest thing in the world. He wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t already feel that way about me.
And I want it. Iwantto be his boyfriend. I just don’t know if I’m capable or worthy of it yet. I don’t know if I can be a fair and true partner because of my depression. I might not have it in me.
But I want to try.
“When Graham died, everyone said I was grieving. That his death was the reason I was depressed. And I let them believe it. They didn’t know how long I’ve suffered before, you know. Since we weren’t close. So all they saw was the depression.”
Miles doesn’t speak. I glance over. His brow’s furrowed, like he’s already bracing for something.
“But I wasn’t just depressed. I wanted to die.”
The words come out like shrapnel, tearing a piece from me along the way. I exhale hard, gripping the wooden bench with white knuckles. I hate myself for inviting the darkness in, but Miles needs to know.
He is still quiet, but I can feel his gaze on me, waiting.
“I, um. Fuck, this is hard,” I mutter.
Miles scoots closer.
“I even had a plan. To end my life,” I say finally. “I picked a time and a place. I knew how I was going to do it. I didn’t leave a note or anything, but I remember thinking it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because nobody cared enough to know I was dead. I even…” I swallow hard. “I even thought they’d be relieved. That Piper and Declan, I thought… things would be easier when I was done wasting their energy and taking up space.”
Miles doesn’t move. I risk a glance at him. He’s not crying, but his face is completely still, like even blinking might break something.
“What stopped you?” he asks, barely above a whisper.
I answer honestly. He deserves that much. “I don’t know.”
The green hummingbird returns, hovering over a red bloom. I watch it, aching to feel some joy again.
“Something tilted, I guess. The day came and I got up, fed Clematis, looked around, and suddenly the thought of leaving made me angry. Like, red-hot angry. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I thought of my life, the unfairness of it, how I sufferwhen others don’t, and I don’t know. It fueled a fight in me that wasn’t there before. So I got up and went to work. That’s it. No big redemption moment. I just… chose to stay.”
That was also the day Declan and Piper asked me to get help. Whether it was because they saw me at a breaking point or not, I’ll never know.
Miles splits the silence after a while and says, “Jordan. Baby, look at me.”
