“I needed to know.”
“No. You didn’t. You needed to focus on getting better.”
“I’m doing okay. I’ve told you that.”
“No, you haven’t! You’ve barely been responding to me. I thought… Fuck, I didn’t know what to think.”
“I wasn’t myself.”
“I know! That’s my point! I wasn’t going to make it worse by telling you this. It’s unfair.”
“It’s unfair that it’s happening. Not that you—”
“I was afraid, okay? I was afraid it would make you…” He trails off, cursing under his breath as he looks off the screen.
It finally makes sense.
“You were afraid I’d try to kill myself.”
He flinches, avoiding looking at me. One hand rubs at his chest, fresh tears streaming down his face.
Shit. This is the first time I’ve really looked at Miles these last few weeks. The first time I’veseenhow much he’s carried my burden. His fear. Anguish.
I scoot back against the wall. A part of me knows he’s right. I would have obsessed over this, probably sunk even deeper into depression. But I wish he didn’t have to carry it alone.
The thousand miles between us have never felt more grand.
“Miles, look at me.”
He slowly lifts his face.
“Iwasin a dark place. Really dark. I won’t deny that. But I wasneverin that dark of a place. Not even close. And I really don’t think I will be again. Things are better now. My life… I meant what I said earlier. I’m better than I’ve been in a really long time.”Maybe ever.“The depression is lifting. The medicine is working.”
He says nothing.
“I’m sorry I’ve scared you. But you, Declan, Piper, and Seth… even Quinn and Ian. Fuck, everyone at the bar too. You’ve all been there for me this time. You most of all, hon. You’re the thing I’ve been clinging to the most. I’m sorry I haven’t been talking. It’s just been… hard.” That word feels inadequate, but it’s all I have.
“You say that, but I don’t even have you right now, Jordan. That’s just the truth of it. I’m glad you have all those people, but I have nobody. Ana is leaving for Washington next week. Sophie is still in Texas. My family is forever away. And you… I’m not okay on my own. I know that now. I’ve needed you. And I know that’s selfish and wrong when you’re going through hell, but—”
“Put your hand on your face,” I cut in.
“What?”
“Just do it. Hold your face.”
Miles does.
“Now close your eyes and imagine that I’m with you. Imagine I’m holding you. That it’s my fingers touching your skin.”
Miles shudders, his lip trembling. “Jordan.”
“Shh. Just trust me. Keep doing that until you feel calm. Brush your cheek, your lip. Whatever you need to do to believe I’m there.”
Miles slowly does, and his face crumples, but not in pain. In relief. More tears stream down his face. My heart breaks for him. My sweet, brave man.
“This sucks,” he breathes.
“I know. I’m hurting too. Believe me, I wish I could hold you.”
