She squeezes my arm before pulling away. “That’s good. That means we’re on the right path, at least.”
I exhale hard. “I handle the sadness. Well, most days. I’m just tired of it. I feel stuck, and I want to move forward.”
My heart stutters. Miles had said that very thing, hadn’t he? Saying getting help was my chance to move forward?
The doctor nods. “We’ll take a gradual approach. Starting with a dose adjustment of what you’re on now, and adding a second medication, to wean you off one while adding the other. They work differently, so you might feel a little down for a few weeks as you adjust, but we’ll monitor you closely. If you feel yourself slipping further into depression, you need to call me, okay? No hesitation.”
I nod.
“Once you’re fully on the new medication, we’ll continue to alter the dose until you feel better.”
My leg bounces again. “And if that one doesn’t work?”
She leans forward. “Then we’ll try another. We have options, Jordan. Lots of them. It just might take time to find the right one.”
Miles said that too.
Frustration bubbles out. “But how long? I’m sick of feeling this way. I just… I want tolive!”
She doesn’t waver, her gaze warm and steady. “It’ll take as long as it takes, but I promise you, we’ll get there.”
I lower my gaze, a knot forming in my throat. “And the other stuff? The sexual stuff? How long?”
“There’s no saying. I encourage you to keep trying, and trust your partner in it too. I’m assuming they’re aware of the struggle?”
I notice she didn’t use gender.
“He does.”
She nods. “Good. Just be open about it. I know it’s not easy to talk about this. With me, or anyone else. But I’m really glad you are. You deserve to feel better.”
I swallow hard, my energy fading. I’ve said what I needed to, now I need to listen.
We go over side effects, timelines, and follow-up appointments. Before she leaves, she warns me again that the depression might worsen as we switch medications, but it should get better once I’m on the new one. Ihatehearing that. It fills me with so much dread and anxiety. I don’t want it to get worse at all.
You’re not alone in this,Miles says in my head. I wish he was here with me. Remembering his list of questions, I pull my phone out to review them, relieved Dr. Briggs has already addressed every single one.
Finally, she prints the script and hands it to me. I hold it gingerly.
She places a hand on my shoulder. “Give it time, Jordan. That’s the important part. All of this takes time. But if you need anything, call me. Otherwise, I’ll see you in two weeks.”
On her way out, I glance at the door again, but this time, I feel something other than panic. Something lighter and unfamiliar.Hope.
It’s been growing slowly for a few days, like fragile roots under the surface. The small piece of paper feels like the first real dose of fertilizer.I can do this.
When I get to the car, I finally pull my phone out, surprised to see my screen cluttered with both Messenger and text notifications from Miles, Declan, Seth, and Piper. I read Miles’ message first.
Miles, sent over two hours ago:Thinking of you this morning. I’m here for you.
Miles, sent one hour ago:You’ve got this. I’m proud of you.
Miles, sent just a few minutes ago: A single heart emoji.
I plan to call him in a few minutes, so instead of replying, I switch over to my family group chat to read everyone’s messages.
Declan:Good luck today, man. Let me know how it goes.
Seth:Call us.
