Jake slowly turned away, raking a hand through his hair. I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking. I had just dropped a fairly large bombshell on him, I knew that, so I tried to be patient while he processed it, but fuck it was hard. I needed Jake’s support in this. I needed him to see reason. I prayed he’d see past his discomfort and care for Harris the same way I did, or at least try to. He didn’t need to love the kid to help him.
When Jake turned around, his expression was too guarded for me to read. I braced myself, expecting a fight. “Are you sure about this?” he asked.
I had no idea what he meant. “Why wouldn’t I be sure? You know how much I care for him.”
He swallowed hard. “Yeah, I do. That’s why I’m worried.” He looked away. “I guess maybe that’s something we need to talk about.”
I still wasn’t following him. “What do you mean?”
“I know you, Reyes. You’re going to get even more attached to this kid than you already are, and you’re going to start dreaming about a future that I’m not sure I can give you,” he said simply. “If kids are something you want—"
“Wait a minute!Kids?Jesus, Jake, I’m not talking about adopting him! I’m just trying to do what’s right! Harris needs to stay here, with people he knows. His friends and school and all that.”
“With you,” he said plainly.
I looked away, too angry to reply.
Jake crossed his arms over his chest, staring at me intently. “Answer the question. Do you want kids?”
I scoffed. “I have no idea. What does that have to do with Harrison now?” He rolled his eyes, annoyed. “Look, I told you once already. All I thought about for most of my life was soccer. It’s the only future I ever considered. And then you showed up and made me realize there’s something else I want too. As far as kids go, I have no idea if I’ll want them someday and that’s the truth. I like working with them, but that’s about as far as I’ve gotten on the subject.”
Jake narrowed his eyes, thinking. “Okay, well, I think I need to make it crystal clear. I can’t have kids, Rey. I already know that. So if that changes for you, we’ll have an even bigger problem.”
“Bigger problem?”
He sighed, throwing an arm up in frustration. “I’m already asking you to risk your heart for the sake of our relationship, and I can’t ask kids—"
“Damnit, Jake! Will you stop saying that! You arenota burden to me! You never have been, and you never will be.” Jake flinched at my raised voice, but my patience was dissolving with every second. “Do you honestly think I don’t like it when you come to me after a bad day?” He dropped his eyes at my question, so I took a step closer. “Look at me. Knowing you trust me enough to come to me isnota bad thing, and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. It’s just the opposite actually. It’s the best feeling in the world, knowing I can take care of you and take away some of your pain.”
“You shouldn’t have to though. It’s not fair to you!”
Anger rose from my core. I was so damn sick of hearing him say he wasn’t worth this. “Love isn’t about being fair!” I shouted furiously. “It isn’t always about being equal or balanced or putting up with each other’s shit. It’s aboutchoosingto be there for someone when it matters the most! That’s something my family failed at. Over and over, they failed to be there for me. So yeah, I know how important it is to have someone in your life who cares. Can’t you see Iwantto be that person for you? I love you, Jake, and I’m not going anywhere, so you need to get over your bullshit andlet me in!”
His eyes went wide with surprise, and for a moment, I almost felt guilty for snapping. I hadn’t meant to be so harsh, but he’d shoved me into a corner with a topic we were nowhere near ready to talk about, and yet here he was demanding things of me I hadn’t even had time to think about.
“Besides, if you need to hear the truth, itisequal, okay? Being with you and just having your friendship gives me things I can’t even begin to explain, so stop your fucking worrying! We’re good together, and that’s all that matters. Please, stop fighting this and just trust us to work out.”
He was standing stock still, eyes burning into me with an emotion I couldn’t read. Only when I finally caught my breath did I realize what I’d said. Jake’s stunned expression should have been the first clue, but I’d been on a role and hadn’t really been listening to what I was saying.
Now, though… I heard it loud and clear, and so had he.
I love you, Jake.
Shit!
I turned away from him and walked across the room, praying I hadn’t already fucked this up. I knew Jake wasn’t ready for that kind of declaration, but fuck, if that strange feeling in my gut every time I saw himwasn’tlove, I had no idea what was. I had no doubt in my mind he felt the same way too, even if he wasn’t ready to say it. It might have happened too quickly, but that didn’t make it any less real. And it also didn’t mean it wouldn’t last. Jake and I were strong together, I just needed him to see that.
I picked up a small rubber ball on the desk beside me and started rolling it between my fingers. I heard Jake moving behind me but couldn’t tell if it was toward me or away. Slowly, I turned around to see he’d only shifted in the place, uncomfortable by what had been said. The shock on his face was gone, and he was once again guarded by something I couldn’t read.
I sat on the edge of the desk, waiting for him to decide if we’d address the elephant in the room now or later. There was no point in trying to take back what I’d said, nor did I want to. I’d meant those words with everything in me. When he finally looked away, I focused my attention on the rubber ball, not sure how to get us past this moment.
After another awkward minute, I simply said, “We need to make a decision about Harrison.”
Jake pulled himself from whatever thought he was having and crossed the room toward me in a slow stride. I still expected him to stay out of arm’s reach, but he forced himself between my legs, cupping my neck with one of his hands, just as I had done to him so many times. His eyes searched mine for a long time and I didn’t try to hide my emotions because there was nothingtohide. Jake could have every part of me he wanted.
Slowly, he relaxed, brushing a thumb along my jaw. “If I can, I’ll take him. But I’m not sure how I feel about being alone with him. I don’t know him as well as you.”
Finally, I could breathe. “Afraid he’ll draw on you in your sleep?” I teased.
