While I waited, a nurse took me back to see Amelia. I tried to keep my face blank when I entered her room, but knew I’d failed the moment she burst into tears.
“It was a mistake!” she cried. “I wasn’t trying to hurt myself.”
I put my hand on her arms and waited until she was looking at me. I wanted to scold her, to ask her what the hell she was thinking, but my own guilt was steering my thoughts in a new direction.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you the way I should have been, Ames.”
“What? No, Pres, this-“
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, more firmly.
Her face fell and she let out a resigned sigh. “I didn’t want to bother you. Or get in the way of your happily ever after with-“
“Don’t let me off that easy,” I said, cutting her off. “I haven’t been a good friend to you lately and you should have called me out on it! I’m sorry I failed you. I will always care for you, you know that.” I pulled her to me, hugging her with every bit of strength I had left, which… considering how overwhelmed and exhausted I was, wasn’t much. When I pulled back, I held her face and looked into her eyes. “You can’t do this to yourself, okay?”
“It was an accident,” she tried again.
I stared at her with a look a parent might give a child when they’re caught in a lie, but I kept my touch soft and my voice calm, hoping she would remember how much I cared for her.
“You said the same thing last time, Ames, and you barely survived that time,” I said softly.
“That was five years ago.”
I bent to hold her gaze, since she’d dipped her face. “I know and I’m not calling you weak. With everything going on, it’s no wonder you feel the way you do. But you need help, okay? I love you and I can’t let you do this to yourself.”
She broke eye contact and looked around. “Where’s your man?”
I knew it was a deflection, but I still turned away, withdrawing my hands from her arms and folded them over my chest as I sat next to her on the bed. I was suddenly very cold. “He’s in Atlanta.”
“He left you?” she said incredulously.
“No, not like that. He found the box, so he went home to close the case and check on some things,” I said.
Her pale blue eyes pierced me, and I knew in that moment nothing about her own problems concerned her. Her entire focus was on me. “Then what’s wrong? You don’t think he’s coming back?”
“No, I don’t think that’s it. I mean, we haven’t talked about our future, but… I know he feels it too.”
A small smile appeared on her tired face. “You love him.”
Damn it. Those butterflies were taking off again. But I wouldn’t answer her, even if I knew it was true. I wasn’t ready to say it out loud, and when I was, I’d tell Beckett first, not Amelia.
“I’m just worried. He hasn’t answered any of my calls since last night. He said his niece is in the hospital, but I don’t know if that’s all it is. Something’s off. I can feel it.”
She pulled me to her, wrapping her arms around me. “Then go to him.”
“I can’t leave you, though.”
She shoved me. “I’m a big girl, Pres. Besides, you’re right. I do need help.” She paused. “I really wasn’t trying to kill myself, though. I just wanted to take the pain away for a while. But I know that’s not okay. I need to do something about it. I’ll call you, though. Okay?”
I studied her face. “Promise me you’re not just going to shove this under the rug.”
She threaded our fingers together and squeezed. “I promise. Fire and ice.”
“Hell and high water,” I replied, kissing her temple. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Preston.”
I waited for Brad to arrive before leaving the hospital, knowing Amelia was in capable hands. Then tried Beckett one more time as I walked to my car. I wished I’d had the forethought to change my clothes when I went back for it. There were very few things worse than the smell of vomit.
