CHAPTER ELEVEN
Leyla
Rushing past Jaz,I closed my office door louder than I’d wanted. If these walls weren’t all glass, I probably would’ve just slid down to the ground.
It wasn’t clear what had me unnerved more. The fact that Niko saw past my carefully placed mask and saw the sadness underneath, or the words he’d just spoken.
“Yes, I am definitely found wanting right now.”
He couldn’t possibly be referring to wantingme. There was no way. And what did it say about my current state of mental health that it made my dormant heart flutter to life? Again.
My mind also knew the term meant lacking, not wanting as in desiring, but the leftover dregs of my romantic heart snagged on the double meaning.
Taking a deep breath in through my nose, I tugged on the bottom of my blouse and walked to the sofa at the back of my office, grateful for Luke, who’d put it there years before.
Releasing my breath slowly, I regained my composure. Niko’s description of me from years ago stung. Fierce, strong,joyful. I think he said something about me filling a room with light or brightness. My cynical mind protested.
“Leyla, you’re just too much.”
My stomach twisted at the memory. Vicky had once told me about her struggle with body image and how much easier it had been to believe the lies. She’d even confessed that she also felt like she was too much at times. Her husband’s pure, unconditional love had easily erased all of that, and, even more importantly, she shared that God had healed her of it.
The only problem was that I didn’t think my ex’s wordswerea lie. The brightness that Niko rememberedwastoo much. Ethan was right. I was too much at times. And I wasn’t sure how God felt about me since I had ignored Him for so long.
I leaned my head back on the sofa and closed my eyes.
“I know that she was fierce, strong, joyful.”
The warring words caused my chest to ache. Something deep within me told me Niko’s words were true. Maybe I used to be those things, but that woman no longer existed. Her light had been extinguished. In that moment, I realized how much I grieved the loss of her.
The way back to who I’d been was gone, and the hurtful words from someone I loved and trusted kept me from longing for that version of myself again.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, hoping it wasn’t a catastrophe that required my attention.
Slipping it out, I saw a text from Vicky and Miles in our group chat.
Vicky:Hey, gorgeous. Church on Sunday?
Miles:Yeah, it’s been a while. Would love to see you.
Ithadbeen a while. I wasn’t even sure why I’d stopped going, stopped praying. But the longer I’d gone without engaging with my faith, the easier it was to be away from it.
Me:I’ll think about it! Love you both
Between them and my parents, there was always an invitation, a nudge, but none of them were pushy. They always let me know they were there. I wondered if God would be there too if I ever returned. Maybe He thought I was too much, too.
Pushing that thought aside, I went back to work. Back to budget reports, product evaluations, and investor calls. That was where my focus needed to be. It was the only place at the moment where being too much was allowed.
After eatinglunch at my desk, Jaz knocked and brought me a bottle of my favorite watermelon kombucha. Her eyes twinkled with mischief, something she wore like a well-fitted suit. She was up to no good.
“Thanks, you’re an angel. Except for that look on your face, which looks the opposite,” I said, using my finger to make a circle. That only made her grin wider.
“Just bringing my boss-friend a drink and I get accused of malicious intent?”
“Pfft. You and I both know what you’re capable of in this office.”
She rolled her dark eyes. “My meddling helped Luke win over Sofia, didn’t it?” Yeah, her meddling only meant one thing, and I was having no part in it.
Memories of forcing them to go on an impromptu dinner date while Jaz and I snuck glances at them from outside the restaurant’s window were priceless. Sofia confided in me that he fed her that night, mumbled something about Forkgate, but wouldn’t go into details. I really wasn’t sure if I needed to find out what that was about. I grinned despite my mood. Then I looked back at Jaz.
