The memory crushed me, and had me stumbling up the stairs of my porch. Instead of going inside, I sat on the top step and closed my eyes. Behind my lids, every mistake I've ever made flashed like a fucking highlight reel.
Honesty. I chuckled to myself.
Everyone wanted fucking honesty, but I doubted they were emotionally prepared to deal with the shit I carried, especially Crown. That nigga was blinded by emotion to the point he couldn't see the truth that what he asked for didn't belong to him. What he wanted to know so fucking desperately lived inmypast, not his. The conversation he wanted to have meant telling him Mr. John didn't give him those pills to help him deal with losing his mom. It was Lucian reminding me he's the muthafucka in charge, and I was to do what he said. If I told Crown that, then I had to tell him, I didn't step in right away with pills. I'd have to confess to letting him get addicted so I could save him.
When you pull a man from the grave, you don't just save his life… you inherit it.
Lucian owned my life, and survival meant applying the lessons he'd forced me to learn. I saved Crown from drowning and became his air. That shit was selfish on my part, but survival was key. I didn't know Crown back then. I didn't love him or understand him. All I saw was a life I could chain to mine.
The sun brushed across my skin like a hand resting heavy on my shoulder. I exhaled slowly, my head tilting toward the sky.
"Ight God…" My voice came out rusty like I hadn't used it in years. "I'm never gon' come to you asking for a lighter load. I made these choices. Weak ones, selfish ones… it feels like I don't gotta go into detail 'cause you already know what I've been up to."
I let out a low chuckle as doubt crept in. I walked with demons like it was my religion. It felt dumb as fuck to pray to God when it seemed like only the devil heard my cries. Still, I kept praying for a different outcome.
"I'm asking for strength, Lord, not to drop the weight, but for the strength to keep carrying this shit without folding. Give me what I need to wear the consequences of my choices without bleeding on the people I love."
My jaw hardened, fingers tightening around the flowers.
"I need this, Lord. I need it like I need that woman I love. I stand firm for my family because that's what I was put here to do. I'm their wall, their shield, and their first line of defense. Keep fortifying me so I can take the blows instead of them. Protect their hearts from the chaos I invested in. Let me bear the brunt of it… so they never have to feel the weight of the storm."
Closing out the prayer with a simpleamen, I stood, clearing the space between me and the front door. I dug through the pockets of my sweats for my keys just as Navy swung the door open. She was in a thin, silk nightgown, glaring at me with aggravation dancing in her eyes. I bypassed the scowl and let my gaze drift over the way her straightened hair had frizzed, and how the trickle of drool dried at the corner of her lips.
"Good morning, beautiful," I rasped, thumb brushing the corner of her mouth, wiping it clean.
"Is it a good morning? Waking up in a bed alone after you promised we'd talk doesn't feelgoodto me."
"You act like I've been gone all day. I went for a run and didn't want to wake you."
"But what happened to it being so important for us to jog together?" she snapped back.
"Fuck Navy," I groaned. "Look, I apologize for going running by myself, but I got you these." Bringing the flowers from behind my back, I extended them toward her, hoping they would fix her attitude.
"What am I supposed to do with these?" She stared at them, then looked at me, wearing a deadpanned expression.
"Huh?" My response was dumb as fuck, but I wasn't used to Navy acting like this with me. We argued, but she was never cold.
"What am I supposed to do with these funky ass flowers? Are they supposed to be an apology for missing movie night? They can't be because before you apologize for that, you should apologize for ignoring my calls and texts," she fussed, raising her voice.
"Aye, chill the fuck out," I gritted, pushing the flowers into her chest and moving past her.
I kicked my shoes off, leaving them in the foyer as she called out to me.
"Honor!"
Ignoring her, I continued through the house, climbing the stairs and entering our bedroom.
"Honor, don't ignore me! That's so fucking disrespectful," Navy bickered, stomping her way in front of me. My eyes dipped from the mug on her face toward her hard nipples pressing against her nightie.
"Honor!" Navy's arms folded over her chest. I smirked 'cause her attitude was an easy fix.
"Come here," I instructed, tugging at her nightgown.
"No, Honor! I'm talking to you," she groused, but did little to keep me from pulling her into me. I dropped my arms to her waist and squeezed her ass, propping her onto her tippy toes.
"Honor." A small, bratty sigh breezed past her lips.
"Navy, why you fucking with me?" I asked, licking across her lips.
