“It’s stupid.” I shake my head. “It’s fine.”
“No. It's not. You’re upset. I want you to know you can tell me anything, okay?”
“Do you know what demisexual is?” I start. I need her to understand all of this, so I need to tell her everything.
“No.” Her brows furrow. “Could you tell me?”
“It’s someone who generally feels an attraction toward a person after developing a close or strong emotional bond with them. Could be sexual, romantic. One or the other, or both.”
“Okay.” She nods slowly. “So, they only feel something toward another person when they bond with them. Like, a close friendship?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
She gives me a soft smile that makes me want to cry all over again. “And you’re demisexual. Is this what you’re trying to tell me?”
“Yes,” I whisper, feeling like I’m going to puke. “It’s why I always brushed you and Nina off whenever you’d tease me about a guy or girl, whether I had a crush or was dating someone. Because I didn’t, I wasn’t. Until meeting Cooper and his friends, I didn’t have any friends. I’ve never seen anyone, guy or girl, in any kind of sexual or romantic way.”
“Oh honey. I wish you’d said something sooner.” She looks so guilty and I hate it. “I would never have done that if I knew, and I know your sister wouldn’t have either. We just want you to be happy and find someone who sees you for just how amazing you are. We never cared about gender.”
“I know.” I give her a sad smile. “That’s the thing. I never cared about gender either. It was the fact that I was never able to get close enough to another person to develop those feelings. For the longest time I thought I’d be alone. That I’d never meet anyone that made me feel anything.”
“Has that changed?” She gives me a knowing look.
“It has.” My eyes well up with tears again. “And I’m fucking terrified, because I don’t know how to navigate these feelings that I’ve never experienced before. I don’t know what to do about them.”
“Would the certain someone who managed to win your heart happen to be Cooper?
“Yeah.”
“Oh honey, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. That boy adores you. If you told him how you felt, I know he’d give you all the time and support you need to navigate these new feelings.”
“I want to believe you so badly.” I bury my face in my hands.
“You’re the kind of person who needs to see it to believe it, to experience it for yourself. I know, honey, I know. The first thing you need to do is let the boy know. Give him that chance to show you.”
“I overreacted big time and I think I did something stupid tonight.” I sigh, looking up at her. “When we were waiting for Cooper to come out of the locker room after the game, a guy that he has a past with came up to him and started talking to him. He was being all friendly, too friendly, and I started to freak out inside and thought the worst.”
“Did he kiss him? Show any signs of wanting more?”
“No. That's the thing, though, I didn’t stay long enough to see how it would play out. I was plagued with all these negative thoughts and I freaked out. I came home, rather than staying to find out.”
“I think you need to talk to Cooper and tell him how you feel. If you don’t, it’s going to eat at you and I can't see my baby boy slip into another depression.” Her eyes well with tears.
“Shit,” I curse, standing and pulling her to her feet. I wrap her in a hug, feeling like the worst person ever, remembering the dark times of my past. “That’s not going to happen again, Mom. I’m here to stay. No matter what.”
“I just love you so much, Blake. I want to see you happy. If Cooper makes you happy, then I think you owe it to yourself to fight for that happiness. You’re an amazing person, Blake, and I know sometimes you can’t see it. I hate that for you, because you really are the best. Kind, sweet, loving. You’re strong and brave. I’m so proud of you.”
Feeling like a little boy, I start to cry again. I never knew just how much I needed my mom until right now.
Later that night, I text Cooper back. He said he came by to check on me, but my mom said I was sick.
It’s a lie. I asked her to send him away. I felt like shit doing it, but I knew if I saw Cooper, everything would come out in a blubbering mess of nonsense.
I need the night with my thoughts, to settle down and think.
Tomorrow at the Halloween party, I’ll tell Cooper how I feel.
I just hope that I don’t end up shooting myself in the heart by taking this leap.
