That makes me smile. She’s right, Cooper has been going over a lot more and he’s been bringing me too. I love Ellie’s kids. Lilly and Toby are a lot of fun and her little boy, Bennett, is just the cutest. I’ve always loved kids. There’s just something so pure about them.
“Hey. Your kids love Auntie Val too.”
“They do. But Auntie Val likes to drink like a fish and should come over more instead.”
“I hate how right you are. I should listen. My liver would thank you.”
“There’s Cooper,” Lexie says, getting my attention.
Smiling, I look toward the locker room door, excited to see him. But as he starts walking toward us, a guy steps in front of him.
My smile falls as Cooper smiles. He starts talking to the guy, laughing at whatever he says.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” Val mutters.
“Who’s that?” I ask, my stomach sinking as every negative thought comes rushing forward.
“That’s Luke.” Ellie sighs.
“Who’s Luke?” I’ve never seen him before.
“His ex. Well, not ex exactly. They never officially dated. Cooper’s never really been the one to have boyfriends, but they did mess around. I’ve never liked the guy. Always thought Luke was a bit of a player. I get not being official, but to always act like someone didn’t exist when you bump into them in public is justick. So messed up.”
The girls’ voices melt away as my heart thuds widely in my chest. A surge of emotions I don’t understand swell to the surface.
My eyes sting with tears, the lack of air in my lungs makes it harder and harder to breathe.
I watch as Cooper talks to him, smiles with him and when Luke steps closer to lean in and whisper something into Cooper’s ear, his lips curved into what I believe is a salacious smile, I feel the bile rise in my throat.
This is someone Cooper slept with. Had some kind of relationship with. The realization that he’s had a sexual past has me stepping away. I knew he did, I knew he wasn’t some kind of virgin.
But if the other guys he’s been with look anything like Luke, why would he want to be with me?
I’m a scrawny, awkward guy who has nothing to offer him. Nothing that they couldn’t, anyway.
Before I know what I’m doing, I turn around and run for my car.
I’m shaking as I get inside and start the engine. The whole ride home I struggle to see through the blur of tears.
I know I’m overreacting, overthinking, and being way too dramatic. I know this, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I know nothing is going on between the two of them. They were just talking.
I just don’t fucking know how to handle these new feelings. It’s overwhelming and I feel like the world is spinning.
“Blake, honey is that you?” Mom calls out as I throw open the front door. “Blake, oh my god, what's wrong?”
Mom rushes to me. “I think I’m having a panic attack,” I rasp out, seconds from hyperventilating. I haven’t felt like this in years. Not since I came home broken and bruised after thefootball team took their turn reminding me just how much they hated me.
“What happened? What's wrong?” She cups my face, worry thick in her eyes.
That's what breaks me. Deep, heavy sobs rattle in my chest as I pull my mom’s smaller body into mine.
“Oh baby.” She hugs me tight. “Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.” I cry into her shoulder.
I feel so stupid right now, but everything is catching up with me and I don’t know what to do. I never fucking know what to do and I hate it. I hate myself. I hate how fucked up my brain feels sometimes and I hate how different I am, because it makes it ten times harder to navigate the world without feeling like everyone is against me.
After I manage to calm down, Mom gets me to the couch. “Talk to me, sweetie. Tell me what happened.”
