Something had switched inside of me in that very moment. Instead of waiting for the dirty pleasure that came with letting him use me and throw me away, a spark of warmth had begun to flare to life deep inside of me – somewhere that hadn’t seen light in a really long time. But it wasn’t until nearly twenty minutes later when Cash had come to a stop in front of me, gently cupped my jaw and whispered, “Good boy” before stroking his thumb over my mouth that my world had righted itself.
Those simple words.
Good boy.
And I’d been whole again.
Unbroken.
Able to fucking breathe.
No, I hadn’t been foolish enough to believe it would last, but a drowning man surrounded by sharks would still grab a life preserver that was thrown his way, even if it only meant delaying the inevitable.
It had been two years and Cash had been delaying the inevitable ever since.
Only I wasn’t sure he really understood that… that there’d come a day where I fell so far and so fast that not even he could catch me.
Inevitable.
But today wasn’t that day. Today was a day where I needed to stop fucking thinking of myself for once and think of the man who’d spent the last two years throwing me life preservers.
I just held onto Cash as heat and steam began to fill the room. His back was tight beneath my fingers and I could feel his erection pressing against my groin. It didn’t surprise me in the least that he hadn’t taken his own pleasure when he’d made me – and Daisy – come.
“I fucked up,” he finally murmured.
I ignored the sense of panic I felt at the despair in his voice.
“No,” I began, but he cut me off with a nod of his head where it was still resting on my shoulder.
“She’s an innocent. But I… I brought her into our world.”
I’d guessed as much about Daisy and I knew what he was talking about. The things Cash and I did to one another, the role sex played in our relationship, it wasn’t normal and never would be. But it worked for us. We didn’t question it, we didn’t regret it, it was just the way it was. Even the fact that we sometimes brought strangers into the relationship just to play with would have had even the most liberal of people looking at us with uncertainty.
Like we were deviants.
Maybe we were.
But Cash’s need to control me and my need to let him had roots that went so much deeper than sex that it was doubtful that even we truly understood it. One thing was clear, though. Cash and I were survivors – we’d had to be. And surviving meant doing whatever it took to hang onto that shred of sanity that was so frayed, it wouldn’t take much to snap it. Add in the fact that we saw what the dregs of humanity did to one another day after day, that we had to face the very things we’d barely made it through ourselves, and we were more than okay with using our bodies to vent the shit that rattled around in our heads.
“She’s okay, Cash. She’s strong,” I murmured, though I wasn’t one hundred percent sure about my own words. Daisy had always been a powerhouse when it came to her work. Even when the pressure was completely on her to give us that one piece of information we needed to save a life, she was a machine. But all the times I’d flirted with her, she’d seemed both intrigued and reluctant. She’d call me on my bullshit, but every once in a while when I said something that hit close to home for her, she went all quiet for a moment before she jokingly told me I was a hopeless flirt and to go bother someone else.
“I’m supposed to be stronger,” he said softly. “I’m supposed to know how far to push.”
“I saw her, Cash. She wanted what happened.” I forced him to lift his head by giving him a gentle tug on his hair. Once he waslooking at me I said, “You’re good, babe, but not even you could have made her do what she did if she hadn’t wanted it.”
He smiled slightly, then drew me forward and wrapped his arms around me. I felt his head rest on the top of mine. “I’m sorry, Sage. I didn’t mean to ruin things for you with her.”
“Cash, I—”
“I know what we have is enough for you, baby,” he interjected. “But she’s important to you, even if it’s just a friends thing.”
I closed my eyes because I could tell from the tone of his voice that he knew my feelings for Daisy ran deeper than friendship. Pain exploded in my belly and I felt tears stinging the backs of my eyes.
I didn’t deserve this man.
“Cash,” I whispered as I tightened my hold on him.
“Tell me what you need, Sage.”
