I sighed. This definitely wasn’t the way I’d thought this would go. With me about to spill the details about one of the most humiliating nights of my life. “When Brody came out to me, he told me what losing his virginity to his girlfriend had been like. He was so upset about it.” Since I didn’t want to get into the details of that night, I bypassed the rest of the conversation I’d had with Brody and said, “What he said stuck with me for a long time. I kept putting off having sex with my high school girlfriend – I always had some excuse– I was too busy with football or some academic event or church obligations. I didn’t actually go through with it until I was in college. Sophomore year. I thought once I got into it more, it would be okay…that my body would start acting…normal.”
I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. “Nothing she did got me…hard. So, she suggested we watch some porn.”
As I spoke, Vincent lifted off me enough so he could put some of his weight on his bent arm. His finger kept stroking up and down my cheek, occasionally straying to my lips. It helped relax me, though I couldn’t look him in the eye as I talked.
“The porn worked, but not for the right reasons.”
“You were watching the guy, and not the girl.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat and nodded. “I made her leave the video running so I could watch…him. It was the only thing that made it bearable.” Tears pricked the backs of my eyes as I said, “Afterwards I finally understood what Brody had been trying to tell me. It felt like I’d been…” I choked back a sob and then Vincent was leaning over me, pressing his forehead against mine.
“It’s okay, baby,” he said softly.
The endearment had me turning into him and burying my face against his chest. I felt his hand come up to cradle the back of my head. I managed to stifle the gut-wrenching sobs that were threatening to consume me, but when Vincent kissed my temple and said, “Let it out, Nate,” I was helpless to stop any of it. I clutched his shirt between my fingers as I sobbed into the fabric, soaking it within a matter of seconds. Vincent kept murmuring things in my ear, but I couldn’t really make out the words.
But it didn’t matter. I had what I needed.
Permission.
To feel.
To rage.
To accept.
At some point after the worst had passed, Vincent eased me onto my back and used his fingers to skim my face. “What am I going to do with you?” he whispered, and then his mouth closed over mine. The kiss was sweet and tender and didn’t last long. “Let’s go inside. We don’t have to do this tonight.”
He was giving me an out that part of me wanted to take, but it was the part of me that was scared to take this final step. This step where I’d finally be admitting who I really was. It was something I couldn’t come back from, and it would change my life forever. I’d hidden for so long because I hadn’t been as strong and as brave as my brother. I wasn’t sure that had changed. But looking up at Vincent, seeing the patience and tenderness in his normally hard eyes, feeling his weight pressing me into the hard earth…how could I not want this? How could I not want this feeling of rightness in my life? Yes, it would change everything, but the reality was, I’d already started to change. It had begun the night I’d cast the person I loved more than anything in this world out of my life.
“No,” I whispered as I lifted my fingers to toy with his hair. “I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life. I’m not going back.”
He was breathing hard against me, despite the fact that our passion had cooled. It gave me hope that it meant he was feeling things that weren’t just about sex. I knew it would just complicate the hell out of things, but I still wanted it.
Him.
I didn’t give him a chance to answer. Instead, I reached up and clasped the back of his head and pulled him down for another kiss. As soon as his mouth touched mine, I let my tongue slide over his lips, asking for permission. He granted it, and then our tongues were stroking over each other in greeting. I groaned as he shifted his weight onto me completely, and when his knee pushed between my legs, I opened for him. I moaned into his mouth as he settled between my legs and his cock ground against mine. The position should have made me feel awkward and vulnerable, but it didn’t.
It made me feel…wanted.
Like he couldn’t get close enough.
I’d had this image in my head that as soon as I told him I wanted him, I’d end up on all fours with him shoving into me from behind. But this…this was…perfect.
Perfect, but not enough.
“More,” I moaned as he began rolling his hips against mine and his mouth latched onto my ear.
“Gonna give you everything, baby,” Vincent growled. “Just like you wanted.”
He shifted up and moved his legs so he was straddling my hips, effectively pinning my lower half to the ground. He reached over his shoulder and tugged his T-shirt off. I’d already seen his chest in the motel room, but up close, it just took my breath away. Tanned skin, rigid muscles, chest hair…and it was all mine.
I surged up so I was in a sitting position, and Vincent shifted backwards enough to give me room. I wrapped my arms around him and then slid my hands up and down his back, losing myself inthe feel of his hot skin. I didn’t know what possessed me to do it, but I pressed my nose against the middle of his sternum and drew in a deep breath. He smelled of musk and sweat and man. I let my tongue flick out to taste his skin. Vincent’s hand came up to capture my head and hold me to him. I pressed my fingers into the hard muscles of his back and then flicked my tongue over his nipple. His reaction was immediate and unmistakable. He moaned and his fingers tightened in my hair. I sucked on him gently and then played with the other nipple. He let me have my way, but then I felt his hand smoothing down my back. As his hand moved back up, he pulled my shirt with it and then suddenly he was pulling it over my head, forcing me to release my hold on him. Since it was a button-down shirt, the whole thing was awkward, but Vincent didn’t seem to care, because he jerked it off and tossed it aside. Then he was grabbing my face and his tongue surged between my lips.
His hand slid down my back again, hot and heavy on my skin. He kept right on kissing me, even as his fingers slid beneath the waistband of my pants. It should have freaked me out to feel his hand so intimately pressed to me, but all it did was make me want more.
“Want you so bad,” he breathed against my mouth.
I nodded, because I was panting too hard to actually speak. God, we’d barely done anything and I felt like I was going to come in my pants.
