A commotion behind me had me turning around. I briefly took in the rest of Phoenix’s room which was spacious and decorated with neutral shades of beige and cream. I watched the object of my quickly-growing obsession enter with a twin mattress which he laid on the floor next to the bed. The mattress already had a purple sheet covered in rainbows on it.
“I figure we can put some pillows around him to keep him from rolling off. Will that work?” Phoenix asked.
I nodded because my heart was too far up my throat to make speech possible.
“Does he need a blanket?”
“No,” I said. “It’s warm enough in here.”
Phoenix grabbed several pillows off the bed and put them on the mattress. I carried Henry over and carefully put him down and then fitted the pillows around him to deter him from rolling off the bed if he turned over. Fortunately, he slept through everything, testament to the night he’d probably had with my father. When I’d changed him in the living room while waiting for Phoenix to return with the formula, I’d encountered a very full diaper. At best, he’d probably only been changed once the night before sometime before my father had gone to sleep.
“If we leave the door open, we should be able to hear him,” Phoenix offered and I nodded. Henry was a good sleeper, so he’d likely be out for a couple of hours at least.
I followed Phoenix from the room and back down the hallway to the living room. Awkwardness settled in as he motioned to the couch. I hoped that he’d sit next to me, but instead, he sat in an armchair on the other side of the coffee table.
“Does what happened with your father this morning happen a lot?” Phoenix asked.
“No,” I said as an unexpected sense of panic hit me. What if he was thinking of reporting what had happened this morning to the police? Would they make it so I couldn’t see Henry anymore? “I swear, that was the first time anything like that happened. And I’ll talk to Dina…I’ll make sure she never leaves him alone with my father again.”
“I meant what he was going to do to you,” Phoenix said softly.
“What?” I asked.
Phoenix sighed. “Levi, how often does your dad hit you?”
I was ready to deny it, but the look in Phoenix’s eyes stopped me. I knew he wouldn’t believe the lie I’d been prepared to tell. “It’s not that bad,” I murmured as I dropped my eyes. “I usually just stay out of his way and things are okay.” I forced my eyes up. “It’s not a big deal, I promise.”
“Because you deserve it?”
The question caught me off guard and I suddenly found it hard to swallow.
When I didn’t answer, Phoenix asked, “Did he hit you when you were a kid too?”
I managed a nod. “He…he was worried I’d turn out like Ricky.”
“What do you mean?”
I could feel the cold settling into my body and I quickly stood up. “Can I use your bathroom?”
I didn’t wait for him to answer as I hurried towards the hallway where I’d seen a half-bath earlier as I’d been walking to Phoenix’s room. Once inside, I closed the door and then flipped the lock. I turned the water in the sink on and began splashing my face as I willed my mind to stay in the moment.
Ricky, stop! Please, don’t!
“Fuck,” I whispered as my knees began to buckle.
“Levi?”
I was dimly aware of the sound of knocking, but I couldn’t make sense of where it was coming from.
Stop crying, you little bitch!
“Levi, open the door.”
You gonna call out for Mommy? Do it! Let her see what her precious little boy really likes!
Pain seared through my body and I pressed my mouth against my arm as I remembered all the times I’d imagined it was my mother’s headless body I’d seen hanging from the rafter in that boiler room.
“Levi!”
