I leaned down to press my lips against Jonas’s head. “Are you okay with covering for him?”
I felt Jonas nod against my chest. “I need to see Cole,” he said.
I nodded and took his hand and led him out of the room.
“How’s Cole’s dad?”
“Struggling,” I admitted. “I was lucky enough to find him relatively lucid when I got to their house.”
The encounter with Cole’s father had been an ugly one. Mostly because I hadn’t been content for Cole’s father to just agree to cometo Chicago with me to see his son. I’d shown the man no mercy when I ripped into him for putting his grief and his need to drink above his own son. If he’d been drunk, I knew I never would have gotten through to him, but he’d been aware enough to hear my words and when I warned him that he stood a good chance of losing his son today, I’d gotten a glimpse of the man I knew Cole had idolized.
“I need to talk to the staff here and see if they can help him detox so he can be near Cole as much as possible while he recovers.”
Jonas tugged me to a stop. “He agreed to get sober?”
“He agreed to try,” I clarified. “I think it’s the most we can hope for.”
I got us moving again and when we got to Cole’s room, I was disappointed to see there’d been no change. My parents both stood as soon as we entered. Calling them had been one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do, but I’d known that if I expected Jonas to find a way to get past the punishment he was inflicting upon himself for what had happened to Cole, I needed to do the same. And truthfully, I’d needed them. As much as I needed to be strong for Jonas if the worst happened, I needed them to be strong for me.
As soon as my dad had answered the phone and I told him who it was, he began crying and I heard him call my mother’s name. There’d been lots of shuffling of the phone as my dad put me on speaker, and then my mom had said my name and the familiar sound had washed over me, and I’d had to sit down in one of the waiting room chairs because my knees had gone weak. To my parents’ credit, they hadn’t asked a lot of questions when I said I needed them. They had just asked where and then they’d told me to hold on, that they were on their way. I hadn’t told them I was involved with two men but I’d figured they had probably come to that conclusion themselves by now considering I told them the man I loved had been shot and then a minute later they’d seen me kiss Jonas.
“There’s been no change,” my father said as he embraced me and gave me his seat. My mother enfolded Jonas in her arms andasked him if he was all right. Jonas hugged her back and I couldn’t help but think how right he looked there…he’d needed a mother for so long and he finally had one. My parents left us with the promise that they would be in the waiting room since there was a limit to how many people could be in Cole’s room at once.
Cole’s father had pulled his chair up as close to Cole’s head as he could get and was stroking his son’s hair. He kept repeating, “I’m here now,” every once in a while. I could see his hands shaking and I knew I would need to talk to the staff sooner rather than later, but I needed a moment to drink my fill of Cole. While he hadn’t necessarily improved since I’d left, he hadn’t gotten worse and the doctors had assured us that that was a good sign. I knew Cole was a fighter and I knew he had a lot to fight for. I just hoped it was enough.
I had my answer an hour later when Jonas shook me awake and I saw Cole’s eyes were open and looking straight at us.
“Areyou sure you’re up for this?” I said to Cole as I helped him out of the car.
“How many more times are you going to ask me that?” Cole groused even as he leaned heavily against me until he got his balance. I helped him up onto the curb and Jonas immediately took his hand. I managed to close the car door without releasing my hold on Cole and I didn’t remove my arm as we began the short walk up the path.
“You can let go now, I’m good,” Cole said.
“I know you are,” I responded but I didn’t remove my arm. Cole shook his head and smiled.
In the four weeks since Cole had been released from the hospital, he’d gotten used to Jonas and me hovering over him. He’d complained about it at first but when he’d realized it was mine and Jonas’s way of making sure he was still really with us, he’d relented and let us mother him.
We’d ended up moving into Cole’s parents’ house after leaving Chicago because it didn’t have a lot of stairs and because we knewCole’s father could use the support. The man’s discipline and drive had been exactly like his son’s, and while he’d struggled terribly during his withdrawal period, he’d never wavered and he’d managed to visit Cole on multiple occasions while he remained in the ICU. We’d stayed in Chicago for the two weeks that Cole remained admitted and I’d taken Cole’s father to daily AA meetings. Once we’d gotten back to Connecticut, we’d found Cole’s father an outpatient rehab program that would help him deal not only with his alcoholism, but with his grief over the loss of his wife and daughter as well.
Cole’s father had admittedly struggled to understand that his son was involved with two men, but he’d come around quickly as he realized what Jonas and I meant to Cole and he to us. But living under the same roof with Cole’s father had put a moratorium on sex even after the doctor had given Cole the all clear. Whenever we started sniping at each other for even the most trivial of infractions, Cole and I would head down to Jonas’s studio where he’d go during the day to paint and insist he take a break. His bed was a tight fit for the three of us but that only forced us to try a bunch of new positions.
Jonas’s safety had continued to be a concern in the days that followed Eduardo’s attack, especially after Mateo was released from jail since the D.A. had had to postpone the Grand Jury hearing until Jonas was in a position to testify. I’d called Ronan the day we’d learned that Mateo had gotten out and asked him if he could spare some men to help me watch Jonas, but he hadn’t answered. After several hours with no word from Ronan, I’d been in the process of calling Mav and some of the other men I was on a first name basis with to see if they would help me off the books when I got a text from Ronan that simply said,It’s done. I had an idea of what he’d meant but it wasn’t confirmed until I watched the news that night and saw the story about the pimp who’d been released from prison only to be shot and killed a day later in a drug deal gone bad.
I hadn’t known that Ronan had stayed in Chicago after he’d been cleared of any charges relating to Eduardo’s death, so I hadn’t had a chance to thank him. I’d finally managed to reach him a fewdays after Mateo’s death, but he’d brushed off my efforts to thank him for everything he’d done. I’d ended the call by telling him I was out and he’d simply said, “I know,” and hung up on me.
“Down here,” I said as we reached the third row of grave markers. Jonas turned into the row and led us down it until I told him where to stop.
I drew in a deep breath at the sight of my son’s headstone. It was the first time I’d seen it since the funeral and while the pain of his loss radiated through me, it no longer felt as insurmountable as it once had. Jonas released Cole’s hand and stepped forward to place a bouquet of flowers in front of the headstone and then he came around to my other side and wrapped his arm around me. It was my favorite position – me between the two of them.
Jonas had only ever wanted me to be whole but I knew now that whole for me meant being a part of them.
“Happy birthday, Evan,” I said quietly as I reached into my pocket and pulled out the Matchbox car and stepped forward to place it on the top of the smooth marble headstone. I let my fingers linger there for a moment before stepping back. Jonas leaned his head against my shoulder and Cole wrapped his arm around me as they gave me the moment of silence I needed to remember my little boy. I didn’t bother to imagine what Evan would have been like at fifteen, just like I no longer dwelled on how or why he’d been taken from me because the what ifs of life served no purpose. I focused on the time I’d had with him and as I began accepting my loss, I started sharing those memories with Cole and Jonas.
“Mace?”
I turned at the sound of my name and felt a wave of heat pass through me at the sight of Shelby standing at the end of the row, a baby in her arms.
“Shel,” I breathed.
