Once the jet was airborne, I straightened so I was no longer pressed against Ronan’s broad chest. I carefully tugged my hand loose and put it back in my lap. Ronan quickly got the message and got up to go talk to Hawke. I kept myself busy by massaging Bullet’s ears but when he finally dropped back down to the floor of the plane, I had nothing to do but get lost in my own thoughts.
And I’d been doing way too much of that lately.
If I thoughtSeattle was bad in terms of congestion, New York was an absolute nightmare. Even being in the relative safety and quiet of the limo Stan had rented to pick us up from theairport, I felt like I was going to throw up at the sight of all the cars, bikes and people. The drive from LaGuardia to the posh hotel in Manhattan took a while because of the midday traffic. Bullet was between me and Ronan on the back seat and Hawke was sitting on the opposite side. Not a word was spoken, but the way both men kept scanning our surroundings had me on edge. Not to mention the sight of their guns sitting in their holsters.
I had no clue who might be after me or why. The mugging had scared me, so had Bullet getting shot. But I’d accepted them as terrible, but random, events. Knowing that someone wanted to hurt me was nearly crippling. Because it took me right back to the night of the home invasion that had killed my parents. And I felt as helpless now as I had then.
When the limo pulled to a stop in front of the hotel, Hawke got out first, then Ronan. I waited until Ronan told me it was okay and grabbed ahold of Bullet’s leash and led him from the car. To my surprise, Ronan took my free hand in his. It both thrilled and irritated me because every time I felt like I had him figured out, he did something that just confused me further.
Once we were checked in and settled in the room, I escaped to the bedroom. I’d ended up booking an actual suite in the hotel so both Ronan and Hawke had their own rooms. Hawke left almost as soon as we arrived in the room. Other than our talk on the beach a couple of weeks ago after I’d made Ronan leave my house, I hadn’t spoken much to Hawke. But I’d realized my first impression of him had been both right and wrong. I knew he was hard and unyielding, but he’d shown his compassionate side as well, especially when he’d been reassuring me that Bullet hadn’t eaten any of the poisoned meat. I also knew that Bullet was a great judge of character and the fact that he spent nearly as much time with Hawke as he did with Ronan meant that for all his darkness, Hawke was a guy you wanted at your back.
A knock on the sliding French doors that closed the master bedroom off from the rest of the suite had me closing my eyes tiredly. “Come in.”
I’d slept surprisingly well the past few nights despite everythingthat had happened, but I still felt worn out. I was worried what that would mean for my meeting on Tuesday. I needed to be at the top of my game, but the lack of control over what was happening to me just made me feel like a little kid.
Ronan slid the doors open and came around to face me where I was sitting on the bed. “How are you holding up?”
I managed a slight nod but it felt like a lie. My eyes were downcast so I didn’t notice Ronan’s hand until his fingers settled under my chin and tipped it up. “How are you holding up?” he asked again.
God, why could I hide nothing from this man?
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
“How about we go someplace nice for dinner?”
Shaking my head, I said, “I’m not really hungry.”
“You need to eat, Seth.”
I pulled free of Ronan’s hold but didn’t say anything.
“Why don’t you get some rest and I’ll check on you in a little while?” Ronan gave Bullet, who was lying at my feet, a quick pat and then turned to leave.
I knew it wasn’t the time, but there was so much emotion churning in my belly that I just wanted some of the uncertainty to be over. “What are we doing, Ronan?” I said quietly. I was glad when Ronan didn’t ask what I meant. Instead, he turned to face me. But he didn’t answer me.
Frustration welled inside of me. “I can’t do it anymore,” I whispered. “I can’t pretend that what we have is enough.”
“What do you want, Seth?”
I let out a harsh laugh at that. The fact that he had to ask me that question was answer enough and I climbed to my feet. “I want what you had with him,” I admitted brokenly. “No more, no less. I want all of you…I deserve it.”
Ronan dropped his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. His silence was telling and I realized I’d had enough. I moved to the bathroom but stopped in the doorway. “After this is over, I need you to let me go.”
I didn’t wait to see what Ronan’s response would be because I knew there wouldn’t be one. He would fight to save my life, but he wouldn’t fight for us.
And I didn’t have the strength to fight by myself anymore.
Chapter 23
Ronan
The room Sethhad booked was huge, but still felt too small to me. Of course, it hadn’t felt that way until after Seth’s heartbreaking words.
I want what you had with him.I want all of you.
The only problem with that was that Seth didn’t know all of me. If he did, he wouldn’t just be begging me to let him go, he’d be running from me as far as he could get.
I leaned the chair I’d snagged from the dining room back so the top of it was pressed against the wall behind me. I’d been out on the balcony for several hours now as I waited to see if Seth would make an appearance, but he hadn’t. After he’d disappeared into his bathroom the night before, I’d hoped that if I gave him some time, he’d come out and I could find a way to try to put us back to where we’d been before I’d fucked everything up. At least when we’d been friends, Seth had smiled. He’d laughed and joked. And he’d reminded me so much of the younger version of himself, that I’d felt a little less guilty for leaving him three years ago. But the only time I’d seen Seth was when he let Bullet out of the room so I or Hawke could take the dog outside, or to get the breakfast I’d ordered for him this morning and left outside his room.
