Had the military lied to me? They’d said Trace had been killed by friendly fire during a training exercise. I’d never even thought to question them – why the hell would I? But if they had lied, why hadn’t Ronan told me the truth?
Another sick feeling went through me.
He wouldn’t have told me if the truth was something he didn’t think I could handle. Which meant it was really bad.
Bullet began nudging me in earnest and I realized I’d gotten so worked up that I was nearing a panic attack. I sucked in several deep breaths and focused on one of the mountain peaks across the water. I carefully worked my eyes to the right, counting each peak in turn until I felt my fear subside.
Ronan is the one who needs you now.
I didn’t know what that meant but I knew Hawke was telling the truth. And I finally realized that the Ronan I’d known hadn’t been lost to me simply because Trace had been taken from him…it was how he’d been taken that had changed everything.
But if I wanted answers, it meant I had to do what I promised myself I wouldn’t. I had to see Ronan again.
It tookseveral long seconds for me to get up the nerve to rap my knuckles on the motel room door. When Ronan opened it, I couldn’t say what surprised me more – his appearance or the gun he was holding loosely against his leg.
I’d never seen Ronan in anything other than a suit and on the rare occasion, jeans, so to see him in a pair of sweats and a simple white T-shirt caught me off guard. But it was the smudges under his eyes and the bleakness in his gaze that had me wishing more than ever that I had the right to touch him.
“Can I come in?” I asked, not liking how shaky my voice sounded.
Ronan studied me for a long moment and then finally opened the door wider. The room was dark because the curtains were drawn despite it being early afternoon. My conversation with Hawke the day before had left me too rattled to go see Ronan last night and I’d ended up sleeping in this morning after tossing and turning all night. I’d told work I wouldn’t be in today and I hadn’t even bothered trying to work from home because I was too distracted.
From the condition of the motel room, it seemed like Ronan hadn’t been faring much better than me. I supposed it wasn’t unusual for the bed to be unmade but the half empty bottle of scotch sitting on the nightstand definitely wasn’t the norm. In all the time I’d known Ronan, I’d seen him drink on only the rarest of occasions and always in moderation. I glanced over my shoulder as Ronan closed the door, drenching the room in darkness. I was glad when he flicked on the floor lamp near the door because it gave me a chance to study him. He had yet to say anything and he hadn’t put the gun down. That bothered me…a lot. Not because I believed him to be a danger to me, but because I couldn’t figure out why he had it out in the first place.
Ronan’s eyes held mine for a moment but his expression was unreadable and after what seemed an unnaturally long time, he finally went to the chair by the table and tucked the gun into the shoulder holster that was draped over the back of it. Once the gun was put away, I was surprised to see the hand he’d been holding it with start to flex and release several times before the pad of each finger began tapping rhythmically against the thumb.
The nervous gesture hit me hard and I actually had to sit down on the end of the bed as Hawke’s words went through me again. My intent when I’d come here had been to demand answers about what had really happened to Trace but seeing Ronan so broken had me hesitating. I nearly shook my head when things finally clicked into place for me. I’d wanted to prove to Ronan that I could be the man he needed instead of the boy he remembered. But maybe what he needed – what he’d always needed since the day he’d lost Trace – was the same thing I’d needed after my parents had died…someone to trust, someone to hold on to when the pain became too much.
I’d never really realized that I’d spent these last few years making it all about me and what I’d needed. I’d wanted to lean on him after the loss of Trace but I’d never considered that he might need someone too. I’d wanted to draw from his strength but I’d never offered mine. I’d wanted to be the man he desired instead of considering the fact that he might need something else…a friend. And in that moment I knew I wouldn’t be demanding answers. I wouldn’t be demanding anything anymore. If Ronan needed to protect me from an evil I wasn’t so sure existed, so be it. If he needed to slake his physical need on me, I’d offer myself willingly and find a way to live with the ramifications. If it meant I would never be able to touch him the way I wanted to, I’d find other ways to show him I was there.
I glanced at Ronan and saw that at some point, he’d sat down in the chair his shoulder holster was draped over. As usual, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking and his continued silence meant whatever happened next would fall on me. I dropped my eyes to my clenched fingers and realized I had the same strange, anxious ticks that Ronan did.
“I want you to come home,” I finally said.
Ronan took a long time to respond so I just sat there and waited. He finally said, “You said-”
“You were right. We’ll never really be done,” I interrupted. “I don’t want us to be. I want us to be what we should have been after we lost Trace.” I looked up at him. “Friends,” I whispered. “I want us to be friends.”
I held Ronan’s gaze until the tightness in my belly became too much and then I lowered my eyes again. “If you think there might be a threat against me then keep me safe. Do it for Trace, for me…I don’t care. Just come home.”
“Why?” Ronan asked, his voice sounding uneven.
I swallowed hard. “Because I don’t want the only one who cares whether I come home each night to be my dog,” I whispered. The admission sucked at my insides but I managed to keep the tears at bay. But when I heard Ronan shift in his chair and a moment later heavy fingers sifted through my hair, I feared I wouldn’t be able to keep it together.
I expected Ronan to tell me he cared about me but he surprised me when he leaned down and pressed his lips against the top of my head. “Me too...except I don’t even have a dog.”
I let out a chuckle and then felt my whole body relax as Ronan pulled me to my feet and wrapped his arms around me. My hands were pressed against his chest but as badly as I wanted to slide them up to wrap around his neck, I managed to keep them where they were.
Friends with Ronan…just friends. Fuck, how the hell was I going to pull this off?
Chapter 15
Ronan
“Wow, you are a really terrible driver,”I said as I studied the tight grip Seth had on the steering wheel he was hunched over.
“What? No I’m not,” Seth responded in irritation as he checked his rearview mirror for what had to be the twentieth time in the last minute.
“You’re going five miles under the speed limit and I’m waiting for the hunchback to appear on your back any second now. And if you hold on to that steering wheel any tighter, they may need the jaws of life to pry it from your fingers.”
