Even with the early hour, traffic in downtown Seattle was starting to build so I focused on the road until I got out of the city and then let my mind start to wander. Somehow when it had been Trace’s money I’d used to set up my organization, I’d felt like it was the universe’s way of telling me I’d made the right choice to give up medicine and focus on bringing justice to men and women who had no qualms about taking innocent lives. But knowing that Seth had deliberately chosen to give me the money made me want to throw up.
He knew you’d do good with it.
Harry’s words rang in my ears. Ihaddone good with it but only in my eyes, not Seth’s. What would Seth think if he found out I’d used the money to kill people or to set them up so they could be convicted of crimes the law couldn’t otherwise prove they’d committed? What would he think if he learned that every bullet I’d fired into a man’s brain was paid for by his money? Trace wouldn’t have cared because he understood what the real world was like. He understood that doing what was right sometimes meant using methods most people deemed wrong…like Seth would. Because Seth was gentle and sweet and kind and utterly innocent. He hadn’t seen the shit I’d seen. He hadn’t felt it or touched it or tasted it…that evil that consumed every cell, every fiber of your being until you had no choice but to change to accommodate it, to accept it, to find a way to live with it.
Except that Seth had seen it. He’d seen and felt more than I’d realized and it had left its mark on him. I doubted it had changedthe core of who he was but the reality was, ithadchanged him. And worse, the people who were supposed to bring him back to who he was, who he’d always been – Trace, me – we’d failed him and that had changed him too.
I’d come here to keep my promise to Trace to make sure Seth was safe, but I’d broken that promise every time I’d lied to Seth about his brother’s death and about my role in it. Every time I’d asked Seth how he was doing but never really heard his answer, I may as well have been spitting on Trace’s lifeless body. And when I’d walked away from Seth because of one innocent kiss, I’d flung my promise back in my dead lover’s face. Because nothing I’d done had been about protecting Seth. It had been about assuaging my own guilt. It had been about protectingme.
By the time I reached the ferry dock, I knew I needed to make a choice. A very simple choice. I could try fixing what I’d broken or I could walk away for good this time. No watching Seth from afar, no tracking him, no using the endless resources at my disposal to make sure he was okay. A clean break. Or I had to find a way to be around Seth, to give him what he needed without taking what I wanted. Because now, more than ever, I knew he deserved better than me.
It wasn’t until a car behind me honked that I realized the traffic in front of me had started moving onto the ferry. I needed to make a decision and I needed to make it fast.
Chapter 6
Seth
Ronan was gone.
It was ridiculous to be so disappointed about losing something I’d wanted so badly, but I wasn’t going to delude myself into believing a little piece of my heart hadn’t broken off and disintegrated. Okay, a big piece.
I hadn’t realized Ronan hadn’t left last night until I’d stepped out of the house in the early morning darkness so I could catch the first ferry leaving the Clinton terminal. I’d been both relieved and upset to see his car sitting just behind mine in the driveway, and those same emotions had hounded me all day up until I’d pulled through the iron gate at the end of driveway and waited for the house to come into view. Then it had just been a stark feeling of disappointment as I’d stared at the empty spot where Ronan’s car had been.
Work had been uneventful but only because I’d spent most of the day hiding out in my office so I wouldn’t have to explain the bruises on my face. The only person I’d told about the mugging was my father’s business partner - I still hadn’t gotten used to calling him my business partner, though that was what he was now. Stan had been horrified and hadn’t argued when I’d told him I would behiring a security company to monitor the garage twenty-four hours a day. I’d left at lunch for my daily ritual of driving out to my old house and had been insanely proud of myself for having the courage to make the trip to my car by myself, despite Stan’s offer to escort me back and forth. Stan was the only person besides Barry who knew how much I struggled with leaving my house. And while I liked how supportive Stan was, the first person I’d wanted to share the small success of being able to make it into work today despite what had happened yesterday was Ronan.
But Ronan was gone…because I’d asked him to go.
I tried to focus on the computer in front of me but couldn’t make sense of the words I’d been staring at for several minutes now. I left the office early every day since I wasn’t yet comfortable enough with my driving skills to be driving around downtown Seattle during the worst of rush hour, but I almost always continued work as soon as I got home. But it was clear that today was going to be another exception but, unlike yesterday when I’d had the excuse of the mugging and Ronan’s untimely arrival to distract me, today it was just my own self-pity that kept me from making any progress on the contract I’d been studying. I turned off the computer monitor and started putting my papers back in the laptop bag I carried back and forth with me to work, but stilled when I heard the front door open. Bullet was outside but since I hadn’t heard him barking like a maniac, I had to assume it was someone I knew.
I hated the silly little flicker of hope that flashed in my chest for just a brief moment before dying a sudden death when I heard Barry calling my name.
“In the study,” I said loudly enough for Barry to hear me as I finished putting my stuff away.
Barry was becoming more and more of a problem for me, but I had no idea how to deal with it. When I’d first called him nearly six months ago to ask him to help me deal with my anxiety about leaving my house, I’d been grateful for his support and insight into the trauma I was dealing with. I hadn’t told him all the details of the attack on my family, despite his incessant pressure to tell him everything. But he had offered me some tools to deal with the stress thatcame over me whenever I considered trying to walk out the front door. He’d even been the one to help me get my driver’s license since I hadn’t had an adult available to teach me to drive when I was sixteen.
I knew Barry was gay from early on because he’d told me he was when I’d admitted my sexuality during one of our early sessions. I wasn’t sure why he’d told me – maybe he’d thought it would help me open up more, but since my parents had always been supportive of my sexuality, it wasn’t something I was overly concerned with and I had mentioned it to him only when he’d asked if I had a girlfriend. I hadn’t really ever thought of the relationship Barry and I had as being anything other than professional, but I’d started to realize a couple months ago that maybe things had changed for him. It had been subtle at first – touches here and there, a little bit of flirting that even I recognized. His questions about whether or not I had ever had a boyfriend, his jokes about me just wanting to get out of the house so I could date someone and his comments about how attractive I was, had all made me start dreading our sessions rather than anticipating them. But I knew from experience that I wasn’t the best at reading people - my actions around Ronan three years earlier were proof of that - so I’d brushed all my discomfort off and focused on trying to find the courage I needed to get out of the house and finally start living. But when Barry had actually started to discourage me from testing myself with trips outside my comfort zone when he wasn’t around, I’d known that I’d have to do something about our professional relationship sooner rather than later.
“There you are,” Barry said as he entered the study. His skin was flushed like he’d been running, which didn’t make sense since it was a short walk from the front door – the door that had been locked but which Barry clearly had no reservations about using the security code I’d given him for emergencies on. I’d asked him once to call ahead of time to let me know he was coming but he’d brushed me off with a little laugh. I supposed it would have been just as easy to change the code, but the non-confrontational part of me hadn’t wanted to deal with explaining to Barry that his behavior was just too much.
“Hi, Barry,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
“You never called me to reschedule our last session, so I thought I’d stop by and make sure you were okay,” he said as he came right up to me despite the fact that I’d been hoping to use the desk to keep some distance between us. “Besides, I was worried about you. That…man,” – his voice dripped with disgust – “was so rude yesterday.”
I didn’t bother to point out that Barry had been rude first by talking down to Ronan like he had.
“I’m doing okay,” I murmured. “But I’m kind of tired so I just want to take Bullet for a quick walk and then settle in for the night.”
Of course, Barry didn’t take the hint because he stepped forward and ran his hands up and down my arms. “You know you can tell me anything, right Seth?” he said softly.
I had no idea what he meant by the question but I was too preoccupied with his touch to give it much thought. I should have enjoyed the contact. Barry was a good looking guy. He was smart, funny, successful. But all I wanted to do was pull away from him. His fingers didn’t burn my skin with flashes of energy, his lips didn’t look warm and inviting, his voice didn’t rumble through me.
“I know,” I managed to say.
“That man-”
“Ronan,” I interjected because it annoyed me to hear Barry refer to Ronan that way…as if Ronan was somehow beneath him, beneath us.
“I didn’t like how he looked at you,” Barry murmured as he stepped even closer to me. I hadn’t even realized he’d maneuvered me so that my back was to the desk until his hands came up to hold my face and I couldn’t move any farther back.
