To my surprise, Hawke suddenly stopped all together and when I looked over my shoulder at him, I saw him looking at where we were joined and I saw shame flash across his face. But I also saw something else. Need…raw and unbridled. He lifted his eyes to mine and when our gazes met, he opened his mouth like he wanted to say something. But he didn’t speak, he just stood there, his fingers digging into my hips, his cock pulsing in my ass. And he shook his head just slightly. Whatever internal struggle he was going through hurt me more than the physical pain that was still thrumming throughout my entire body and that was why I gave him a brief, but very clear nod. He didn’t move for several long seconds, but I didn’t miss the relief on his face. And then he drew back and slammed into me again, driving more of his cock inside of me.
Despite the fact that Hawke was hurting me, I wanted him…no, needed him. I should have been physically repulsed by what was happening to me, but in truth I craved it – knowing Hawke needed me so badly. And it wasn’t just his rock hard cock buried deep inside me that told me that. It was in every frantic move as he pumped into me, in the way his fingers dug into my skin to keep me from moving. And it was in the way he folded his body over mine as soon as he’d bottomed out inside me. His skin burned mine with the intense heat his body was giving off and I could feel his breath sawing in and out of him because his lips were pressed against the back of my neck.
The pain began to recede somewhat as Hawke drove into me over and over, but it was when he wrapped his arm around my chest and closed his hand over the front of my shoulder that I felt my own body finally responding. His hold on me meant there was no space between us and I could both feel and hear every grunt and groan as he pummeled me with brutal thrusts. I knew everything was happening too fast and that I would have no way of catching up to Hawke, so I closed one of my hands over the arm he had wrapped around my chest and took in every sound, every feeling as he fucked me. And when he came just seconds later, I reveled in the way he shouted my name in my ear. Liquid heat burned my stinging channel as Hawke continued to thrust into me as he rode out his orgasm and when his weight forced me down on the bed, I groaned as his body pinned mine and I sank down flat on the bed. His body covered mine like a blanket and despite the need still rolling through my own body, I could have stayed like that for hours. But even as Hawke’s dick continued to pulse inside of me, he was pulling back and I stifled a moan as his thick length finally pulled free of my aching body.
Hawke dropped to his back beside me, but I didn’t turn to look at him. Because the pleasure I’d felt just moments ago had started to wane as I realized what I’d allowed to happen. I’d let him use me…and I’d taken pleasure in it. He’d admitted that he didn’t want me, but I’d been too desperate for a connection with him to care. I forced myself to get up and kept my eyes averted as I pulled up my jeans. I could feel Hawke’s semen dripping from my ass so I didn’t bother trying to search out my duffle bag as I stiffly walked to the bathroom. Every part of my body hurt as it started to come down from the high and I felt lightheaded as soon as I entered the bathroom so I leaned against the counter so I could get my bearings. After a couple of minutes, I managed to straighten and studied myself in the mirror. My skin was flushed with color, but there was no other evidence of what had just happened. I could feel it everywhere else though. I forced myself to back up and pull my shirt off. I started pushing my jeans down, but stopped when I saw the bruises on my hips. I ran my fingers over them in wonder.
It took me a moment to realize I was no longer alone and when I turned to look at the door, I saw Hawke watching me. I hadn’t thought to lock the door and I hadn’t heard it swing open either. He said nothing and neither did I – we just stood there watching each other. I tried to get a read on what he was thinking, but his eyes were shuttered. When he finally started moving, it wasn’t to leave. Instead, he came into the bathroom and I automatically took a few steps back until the backs of my legs hit the edge of the bathtub. I saw a flash of something in his eyes, but he kept coming at me. He’d pulled his pants back up at some point and he was still wearing his T-shirt. I waited for him to speak – for him to say he was sorry or that it was a mistake. But he said nothing and I couldn’t stop myself from flinching when he reached for me. Except he wasn’t reaching for me, he was reaching past me to turn the shower on. When he straightened, his body was so close, it was nearly brushing mine.
I expected him to leave at that point, but he remained where he was, and when he reached his hand up to my face, I managed not to move this time. His thumb skimmed my lower lip and came to a stop on the spot where’d I’d been biting myself to keep from making a sound. He massaged the tender flesh for a moment before trailing his fingers across my cheek and then down my neck. My skin came alive with sensation wherever he touched me and despite my aching body, my dick began to react to the contact. I could only stand therein stunned silence as Hawke gently began exploring me with his hand. My chest, my nipples, my abdomen – he left no part of me untouched. And when his hand reached the bruises, I dropped my eyes to watch his fingers gently skim over the discolored skin. At that point, I didn’t need to hear the apology because I felt it everywhere.
Hawke ceased his exploration of the bruises and used both his hands to carefully push my pants and underwear down and I sucked in a breath when he dropped to his knees to help me work them off completely. He ignored my half hard cock as his hands trailed up my legs and then up my sides before moving to my back. He stood back up as his hands came to rest on my ass and I stiffened when he pushed his fingers into my crease. But he didn’t press a finger inside of me. Instead, he swiped it through the moisture still surrounding my hole. He pulled his hand back and studied the sticky, white fluid covering his finger and part of me wanted to lean down and take a taste. But then Hawke’s eyes lifted to meet mine and I couldn’t move, could barely breathe. Because the emotion that hadn’t been there before was flooding his gaze now.
Regret, longing, need. It was all there in spades.
And in that moment, I knew I would give him anything he wanted. Because I knew what he was feeling. How many times had I been there myself? So desperate for another’s touch? To feel something besides pain?
Hawke settled his hand on my hip and then he was drawing me forward. I went willingly and when he dropped his mouth to mine, I lifted to meet him. The kiss was achingly tender and sweet and it hit me hard. Harder than a passionate kiss ever could have. Emotion flooded my system all at once and it took everything in me not to cry as Hawke cupped the back of my head to keep me from escaping. But I had no intention of going anywhere and I wasn’t about to let him go either so I wrapped my arms around his neck. And when he finally probed the seam of my lips with his tongue, I opened instantly. Even though the kiss was deeper, it was still painfully gentle and the moment Hawke released my mouth so we could catch our breath, I buried my face against his neck so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself. Hawke’s arms closed around meand he held me like that even as the bathroom began to fill with steam from the hot water that was still raining down just behind me.
It could have been minutes or hours before Hawke gently pushed me back enough so that he could reach for the hem of his own shirt. I’d wondered if the burn marks on his face extended down the rest of his body, but I only barely noticed that they did when he pulled the shirt over his head. He was as perfectly built as I’d suspected, but my eyes immediately went to the tattoo scrawled across the left side of his chest. Words – dozens of them – covered the muscles just above his left nipple and continued all the way down to his waist. I didn’t get a chance to study them, though, because Hawke bent to push his pants off and then he was drawing me back into his arms, his mouth closing over mine. I felt the burn scars as I put my hands on his sides, but I didn’t focus on them as Hawke kissed me because his mouth was doing things to me that I wouldn’t have thought possible. True, I’d only ever been kissed by Reggie, but I wouldn’t have ever guessed a person could say so much with something as simple as a kiss. But nothing about Hawke was simple and I knew in my gut that no other kiss would ever feel like Hawke’s.
Hawke kept the kiss short and I had a terrible fear that he would leave me when he drew back a little bit so I closed my hand around his bicep. “Don’t go,” I whispered desperately.
Hawke didn’t respond to my plea with words, but when he kissed me again, I knew he wasn’t leaving me. He turned me and urged me into the shower and then he was climbing in behind me. The hot water felt like heaven against my skin, but did nothing to minimize my growing desire. I was facing the wall as Hawke got into the shower, but when I tried to turn to face him, his hand settled on my upper back. I barely felt the cold of the tiles pressed against my chest as Hawke’s body lined up with mine, his half hard cock nudging my ass. At that point, I didn’t care how much it would likely hurt if he fucked me again – I just wanted to keep feeling his skin against mine. Lips skimmed the back of my neck as hands trailed along my sides and came to rest on the fronts of my thighs.They stayed there for a moment before sliding up my groin, brushing over my swollen cock and then palming my chest.
I let out a protest when they disappeared altogether and Hawke put some space between us. I felt the hot water hit my back and for a second I was afraid Hawke had left me, but a glance over my shoulder had me realizing he was reaching for the small container of body wash on one of the shelves in the shower. And then Hawke’s hands were back on me, his soapy hands washing me. I groaned at the feel of his fingers gently massaging me and when his hand slipped between my ass cheeks to clean me, I felt nothing but pleasure. The gentle torment continued when he turned me around and washed my front. He touched every part of me except my aching cock and I couldn’t help but wonder if the idea of touching my dick repulsed him. I let my eyes drift down his body and was glad to see that his dick was half-hard. I was tempted to reach for it so I could feel how the thick flesh felt, but I didn’t want to do anything to stop Hawke’s ministrations so I remained where I was and let my eyes drift closed.
“Tate,” I eventually heard Hawke whisper against my ear just before a soapy hand closed around my dick. I cried out at the contact and Hawke stole into my mouth. His grip on my cock was firm and he began dragging up and down it with agonizingly slow pulls. As Hawke’s tongue sensually played with mine, his hand followed suit and he drove me higher and higher until I was helplessly thrusting against his hand. I settled my hands on his shoulders to keep myself upright. Hawke’s free hand was braced against the wall next to me and I could hear his own breathing increasing as he began stroking me in earnest. He dragged his lips from mine and rested his face against mine as we both looked down to where his hand was frantically jerking me off. I could feel the orgasm building in intensity and a shiver of fear went through me as it grew and grew, but didn’t crest. I needed to come so badly, but I couldn’t.
“Hawke,” I cried in frustration.
“It’s okay, Tate,” Hawke said against my mouth. “I’ve got you.”
I felt Hawke shift his hand just slightly and I gasped when I felt his dick sliding against mine. I looked down to see him fisting usboth at the same time. The contact felt so good that I couldn’t stop myself from reaching down to close my hand over Hawke’s where he held us both. The feel of his strong fingers did me in and I cried out in relief as my orgasm crashed over me. It was violent and uncontrollable and if Hawke hadn’t wrapped his free arm around my waist at that exact moment, I wouldn’t have been able to stay upright. I felt Hawke moan against my neck as he followed me over and despite the hot water raining down over us, I still felt our combined releases sliding down my dick. I released the hold I had on Hawke’s hand and wrapped both my arms around him as I rode out my orgasm. His body shook beneath my touch as aftershocks rocked through him and despite my still sore ass, I wished he’d been inside of me when he’d come. Because as close as we were in that moment, it wasn’t enough.
It would never be enough.
I stayedin the shower for several minutes after Hawke cleaned us both off and then kissed me gently before climbing out and grabbing a towel to dry himself off. After collecting his clothes from the floor, he’d left the bathroom without a word or a look back and I’d started to feel so cold inside again that I’d known no amount of hot water would warm me up.
I took my time getting dried off and since I hadn’t brought any other clothes into the bathroom with me, I was forced to put my jeans back on. I left the underwear off though, since they were still damp from the semen they’d collected as I’d pulled them up earlier.
I half expected the room to be empty when I exited the bathroom, but to my surprise, a dressed Hawke was sitting on the edge of his bed, his hands clenched in his lap. His bag and the picture had been moved off the bed at some point. He looked up at me briefly, but I saw none of the pleasure I’d seen in his eyes just a few minutes ago when he’d come in my arms. My intent had been to grab my sweats and go back to the bathroom to change, but one look at Hawke had me moving to my bed and I ignored the pain inmy ass as I settled my weight onto the mattress and waited for Hawke to say whatever it was that he clearly needed to say.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered with a shake of his head. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
As much as I would have liked to tell him he hadn’t, he would have known I was lying. There was just no way to deny the rough fucking had been painful, so I told him the truth.
“I don’t regret it.”
His eyes shifted to mine and he finally nodded. “I didn’t use a condom,” he said softly. “I got tested in the military a long time ago and I was negative,” he managed to get out, but then he dropped his eyes once again. “I haven’t been with anyone since Revay. She was the only one I’ve ever been with.”
The admission had me struggling to find words.
“Even after she was gone, she was the only one I ever really wanted,” Hawke continued, his words so quiet I could barely hear them.
“You don’t owe me any explanations,” I finally said, still stunned at what he was telling me. “I tested negative a couple of years ago and haven’t been with anyone since then.”
Hawke nodded and stood up. He turned to climb into his bed and I couldn’t get past how different he seemed. Gone was the confidence, the hardness. Instead, he seemed…broken. I waited until he was under the covers before I stood up and turned off the light on his side of the nightstand. Just as I turned to collect my clothes so I could change, I heard him speak again.
