“So your parents were divorced?”
Tate shrugged. “No idea.”
I figured the conversation was over when Tate turned his head to look out the window. But to my surprise, he started talking again.
“I don’t remember her, but I used to dream about this woman when I was little. It was always the same dream. She had this really bright, long red hair and she was wearing some kind of uniform…a nurse maybe. It was just her and me and Denny sitting around this small table, holding hands, and she was saying grace. That’s it…that’s all I ever see.” Tate glanced down at his hands again. “That was how I picked Tate.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“When I left home, I knew I needed a new name. She used to always call me Tate in the dream.”
I wanted to ask him what his real name was, but I held back because I could see by the way he’d started twisting his hands again, that he was already tense. He cast a look over his shoulder at Matty who was still asleep. Then I felt his eyes on me and I could tell he wanted to say something.
“What?” I asked, keeping my voice low and gentle.
“I wish I’d been stronger back then,” he said quietly. “Maybe she’d still be alive if I’d said something…anything.”
I tensed at that because I knew who theshehe was referring to was, but when I shot Tate a glance, he was once again looking outthe window. I fought the urge to reach my hand over to grab one of his so he would stop clenching them together. But my body refused to listen to my brain and before I knew it, my palm was settling over his warm skin. He stilled instantly and I heard the slightest intake of breath. Electricity fired through my blood when I once again felt his eyes on me.
I’d intended to tell him that it wasn’t his fault, but I got lost in the sensation that was coursing through my body and what it meant. My brain could deny it all it wanted, but the fact that my dick was even now swelling with need was proof that it wasn’t some fluke.
I wanted Tate.
Badly.
And I had no idea what that meant.
Chapter 6
TATE
I wasn’table to take a deep breath until Hawke removed his hand from mine. The contact had been brief, seconds only, but my whole body felt like it was on fire. Desire wasn’t an entirely new feeling for me, but I’d never felt it to this extreme.
Growing up in a small, rural town in Eastern Texas hadn’t exactly provided a lot of options for a teenage kid with a homophobic father and brother to explore his sexuality, but I’d lucked out when I’d discovered that a classmate I’d been tutoring in English Lit, Reggie Kimball, was hiding the same secret I was. Reggie had been two years older than me and had already fooled around with a couple other guys when he’d cornered me in the gym’s locker room at school one day and kissed me.
He’d never allowed me to call him my boyfriend, even when it was just us, but I’d let him take my virginity just the same. The sex hadn’t been at all what I’d expected, but I’d never protested when he’d asked if he could fuck me. Because even though I’d never found pleasure in the act, I’d lived for what came after…those few minutes when Reggie would be lying on top of me, his length buried deep inside of me, his breath against my neck, his heavy body covering mine like a blanket. In those moments I became someone else – we both did. And I was safe…and free. There was no doublewide trailer to go home to, no bruises to try and hide, no fear that one day the heavy fists wouldn’t stop. But it would only last as long as it took for Reggie to recover, pull free of me and slap me on my ass and tell me I was the best fuck he’d ever had.
A couple months after Reggie had left for college, I’d visited a gay club in nearby San Antonio on a night Buck and Denny were out of town. I’d been picked up within minutes of walking through the door, but instead of going to a motel like I’d hoped, the guy had fucked me in a darkened area at the back of the club. As he’d come, I’d heard other grunts all around me and I’d realized other men had been watching us. Humiliation and fear had coursed through me and I’d run as soon as the man had slipped free of me. I never went back.
It wasn’t until I was almost twenty-one that Reggie suddenly returned to town after having dropped out of college. He’d been just as arrogant and callous as ever and I’d still been just as desperate for the connection with someone who needed me, even if it was in a fucked up way. He took, I took…it had just worked for us and somewhere along the way, he’d become the closest thing to a friend that I’d had.
But not once had I ever felt with Reggie what I felt when Hawke touched me. Even now, minutes later, I could still feel my breath sawing in and out of me as my body drew up tight with excitement. I knew that Hawke had only meant the gesture to be about comfort, but my body didn’t seem to care. I shifted in my seat to try to ease the discomfort in my jeans as my dick continued to swell.
I wanted to laugh out loud at the irony of the situation. For the first time in my life, I was feeling true desire and it was for a straight man who was just using me to get what he wanted. He’d terrorized, threatened and ultimately blackmailed me, but my body chose this moment, this man to come alive for.
I willed my cock to settle down as I turned my attention back on the scenery flying by. My thoughts drifted to Hawke’s wife and pity rushed through me for the faceless woman. Because I knew in my heart what Buck and Denny would have done to her before they’dtaken her life. I’d been honest with Hawke when I’d said I didn’t remember any discussion of his wife between Buck and Denny, but I knew from years of watching my father and brother use and abuse women, that they would have taken pleasure in hurting the woman. I also knew that they were very good at not getting caught. Which would explain why Hawke’s wife was gone. And it also explained why he’d threatened me…it was something I wouldn’t have understood before Matty came into my life – that unconditional love you had for someone else, that they had for you. I would do anything to protect Matty and if I lost him, I knew I wouldn’t survive it. The man next to me knew that pain, had lived it for ten years now. I couldn’t fault him for wanting what he did. And the fact that I had to pay for it right alongside Buck and Denny…maybe it was justice coming full circle. For not having had the courage to find someone who would make sure Buck and Denny were stopped.
“Daddy, I gotta pee.”
Matty’s voice startled me from my thoughts and I turned to see that he was rubbing at his eyes.
“Okay, buddy, we’ll stop in a second.”
I glanced at Hawke. His entire countenance had grown hard and cold and I could feel the tension wafting off him in waves. He gave me the slightest nod, but didn’t speak and he never once glanced at Matty in the rearview mirror. It was like we were no longer there.
We stopped at a fast food restaurant, but to my surprise, Hawke didn’t come in with us. We were still technically his prisoners, but I suspected he knew I needed his help just as badly as he needed mine, more so even, and that I wouldn’t be asking anyone to alert the authorities. Once we were done in the bathroom, I took Matty’s hand and led him up to the counter and scanned the menu. Ignoring my own growling stomach, I ordered Matty some chicken nuggets and fries and herded him back to the car as he tried to search through the bag for the toy the advertisement for the meal had promised. Once he was buckled in, I got back into the passenger seat and waited, but Hawke didn’t put the car in gear. His eyes finally lifted to check the rearview mirror and then he glancedat me. His jaw tightened and then he turned the car off and got out without a single word and stalked off towards the restaurant.
“How you feeling, buddy?” I asked as I turned so I could watch my son devour his meal.
