“Look, Daddy,” he said as he proudly held up the small plastic airplane. “Can we go see this movie?”
“Maybe,” I hedged as my stomach churned. I knew I needed to explain to Matty why he’d be spending much of the next six months in the hospital, but I had no idea how to do it. I could feel the tears threatening all over again so I turned around and stared at the cars flying along the Interstate. By now, I should have been used to the feeling of not knowing what was going to happen…it had become a way of life for us. But all I wanted was for my kid was to have a normal life. Play dates, birthday parties, a house with a yard, a dog…and I couldn’t give him any of that.
Hawke pushed out through the restaurant door, a bag in one hand and a cup in another. He practically ripped open the driver’s side door. He shoved the bag at me and put the cup in the cup holder before jamming the key into the ignition and starting the car. I held the bag on my lap, trying to ignore my cramping stomach as the smell of the food hit me. Once the car was moving, I tried to hand the bag to Hawke but he pushed it back at me and muttered, “Eat.”
I looked at him in surprise. “But-”
“Just shut up and eat, Tate,” Hawke snapped.
“Oooh, he said a bad word,” Matty called from the back seat.
“Eat your lunch, okay, Matty?” I managed to say, though I couldn’t take my eyes off the man next to me who had yet to look at me. When he finally did, I felt my throat close up at the flash of softness I saw as he quietly repeated his order for me to eat. The hardness returned almost instantly, but I didn’t focus on that. Instead, I opened the bag and did exactly as he said.
I ate.
Hawke’semotional distance continued to grow throughout the drive north. We had to stop several more times for Matty to go to the bathroom and while Hawke never complained, I couldn’t get a read on him. He didn’t interact with me or Matty, but at a gas station, he bought Matty some ice cream and when Matty saw a children’s play area in a park across the street from the next gas station we stopped at, Hawke pulled the car up to it after we’d gassed up and Matty and I had played for almost a half an hour before getting back in the car to continue on our journey.
We’d stopped for dinner an hour earlier at a truck stop that had a restaurant attached to it, but when I’d only ordered a small soda, Hawke had ended up ordering me a burger, fries and even a piece of pie. I’d tried to offer him money to pay for both Matty’s and my meals, but he’d shot me such a dark look that the protest had died in my throat.
Matty had spent most of the meal coloring the children’s paper placemat in front of him and I knew even he’d sensed Hawke’s withdrawal. We’d gotten back on the road after that and Matty had fallen asleep a few minutes later.
Darkness had started to fall when I glanced at the clock in the dashboard and saw that it was eight o’ clock.
“Hawke,” I said softly.
Because it was dark in the car, I couldn’t be sure that the man next to me actually flinched when I said his name, but he did turn to glance at me. “What?”
I ignored the irritation in his voice. “Are we stopping for the night soon?”
“We’re driving through,” came his terse reply.
“Don’t we have like six hours to go?” I asked.
“Five.”
“Matty’s tired. He needs a bath and he needs to sleep in a bed. Can we just stop at a hotel? I…I’ll pay for it,” I offered even though I knew a hotel room would eat up much of the little cash I had left.
Hawke didn’t respond in any way. Anger surged through me, but I quelled it and said, “Please.”
The only reaction I got was Hawke drumming a couple of hisfingers on the steering wheel. The red glow from the lights on the dashboard let me see a little of his face and I could tell he wasn’t happy. But I didn’t give a shit. My son came first. Before I could repeat my request, Hawke turned on the blinker and steered the car off the Interstate at the next exit. There was only one small motel just off the freeway and I could only hope it was reasonably clean because the outside appearance was not encouraging. Hawke was already out of the car a second after he slammed it into park and he was back a moment later with the room key…a single room key.
I kept my mouth shut as he drove us around to the other side of the motel and parked in front of our room. There were only a couple of other cars in the lot. As I pulled Matty from the backseat, Hawke got our stuff from the trunk and then opened the door. I breathed a sigh of relief when he flicked on the lights. It wasn’t a pretty room, but it looked clean. I carried Matty to one of the two beds and sat down.
“Matty, do you feel like taking a bath tonight?” I asked softly against his head. I felt him nod against my chest and I couldn’t help but smile. My kid loved his baths.
Hawke dropped mine and Matty’s bag on the bed next to me. I looked up to see him staring at Matty. I was surprised to see that the mask of indifference had disappeared and in its place was an intense look of longing. His eyes shifted to me and I sucked in a breath at the impact it had on me. God, what I would have given to have him lean down to brush his lips over mine. I didn’t know if Hawke saw something in my gaze because his eyes went dark with some unnamed emotion and then he shuttered them and suddenly turned and left the room. No explanation, no saying when he would be back. I shook my head as I held Matty tighter. I needed to get a fucking grip. If Hawke had any idea of the direction my thoughts kept wandering in, he’d kick my ass for sure.
I took Matty into the bathroom and got his bath started. He woke up enough to play with his new toy and his Spiderman doll in the tub, but as soon as I got him out and started drying him off, he started to drift again and by the time I put him in one of the beds, he was completely out. Hawke still hadn’t returned so I used thetime to change into a pair of sweats and a T-shirt and then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. After rinsing, I used a hand towel to dry my mouth and turned to leave the bathroom when I saw Hawke watching me from the doorway. I managed to stifle a gasp at his sudden presence because I hadn’t heard the door open.
“I’m done in here,” I managed to choke out as I willed my speeding heart to slow down. I put the towel down on the counter. Hawke hadn’t moved at all and I felt excitement flood my system as his eyes stayed on me. I couldn’t pinpoint what he was thinking, but I knew what I was thinking…or rather, what my body was.
Since Hawke’s big body was blocking most of the doorway and he didn’t seem to be in any rush to move, I was forced to try to get past him without touching him. It would have worked if he hadn’t stepped forward just a little bit as I was walking past. The move had me pressed back against the doorframe and I froze in place as Hawke’s body brushed mine. The contact lasted only seconds, but it felt like forever as his chest skimmed mine. Even through my T-shirt, my skin burned and lit up with sensation and I sucked in a harsh breath as he held the position for a brief moment. I looked up to see that Hawke’s eyes were on me - on my mouth to be exact - and I licked my lips in anticipation. His whole body drew up tight and we both held there. The air sizzled around us and heat flooded my entire system as my cock filled in eagerness. And I knew if I didn’t move, he’d notice it because his crotch was almost brushing mine. If he just moved forward a little bit…
The whole thing ended when Hawke stepped past me into the bathroom and began to shut the door. I moved out of the way and felt my knees nearly give out as the door clicked into place. I stumbled to the bed I was sharing with Matty and dropped down on it and tried to catch my breath. I knew the encounter hadn’t lasted more than a few seconds and that I’d read way more into it than it had been, but it was just more proof that being in Hawke’s presence was dangerous in so many ways. Anxiety crept over me as the feeling of being trapped took over. Two years ago I’d risked everything to escape the life that had been forced upon me. And now it was happening all over again. Hawke, cancer…I couldn’t escape those things. Despair sank into my bones as I crawled into bed next to Matty and rested my head on the pillow next to his. But just as quickly as the hopelessness had come over me, the second Matty rolled and pressed himself up against my chest, it receded and I wrapped my arms around my son. Whatever came tomorrow and the next day and the day after that…I’d handle it. I had to. Because it wasn’t about me anymore. It hadn’t been about me for a really long time.
By the timethe car rolled past the heavy iron gate that blocked the driveway at the end of a secluded dead end, my anxiety was sky high. Matty hadn’t stopped talking for more than a minute or two ever since Hawke had driven the car onto the ferry that took us from the mainland to Whidbey Island and Hawke had been cool and distant since we’d left the motel this morning. Luckily, Matty hadn’t noticed his surly attitude, but my frustration had grown more and more every time he answered Matty’s curious questions with blunt, one or two word responses.
“Is Bullet nice?” I heard Matty ask from the back seat.
