“I’m saying I don’t wanna wake up one day and realize I built all this shit and got nobody to share it with,” I said. “I already missed too much. And I didn’t even realize it.”
He paused and waited for me again, but that was all I had to say. When he realized it, he slowly nodded his head. “Okay. Alright.”
I met his gaze with a side-eye. Kam was never speechless. He always had the right advice or the perfect follow-up to upliftme and keep me going when I felt unmotivated. I had expected more than just a simpleokay, alright. That response threw me off guard.
“I’ll move things around,” he added. “We can make some room, no problem.”
He stood and walked to the fridge, swung the door open, and pulled out a bottle of water. Every time he’d come over, he would take a few sips and leave half-empty bottles lying around everywhere. It drove me crazy. With the door still open, he twisted the cap off and took a swig. I sat in my seat with my eyes squinted on him.
He still hadn’t argued, gave a rebuttal, offered advice, dropped a jewel, nothing. That was unlike him, and it made me wonder what truly floated through his mind.
“So, you don’t have nothing to say. Just. . .” I shrugged. “You just gonna make room?”
“Listen,” Kam said. His tone shifted into big brother, something I’d finally recognized since the whole exchange began. “You found out you had a daughter after fifteen years. She’s sixteen now. You didn’t disappear. You didn’t deny her. You didn’t run. What I hear from you is that you found something else in life that matters to you more than work. I can’t argue with a man about what he needs to do or what is best for his life for his family. If you need time to be off to be there for them, it’s my job to make that happen.”
He closed the fridge door, walked back to the countertop, set his water down, and leaned forward. I scrunched my forehead and watched the corners of his mouth turn up. There was another pause as silence fell between us. This was unlike him, and it made me curious.
“Nigga, just say what you really wanna say, and stop with the Dr. Phil analyzations and shit!” I joked. “Now you Oprah or somebody?”
We both laughed, but his words pumped through my head like a balloon. He said I was making decisions based on what was best for my family. I never had a family before. I didn’t know anything about making the best decisions for one. I didn’t recognize at that moment that he was telling me that I was starting to grow. He must have noticed my shift because it was as if he read my thoughts when he spoke his next words.
“I noticed the change in you the moment you started stepping up for Yana—hopping on planes last minute, showing up for school plays for one hour, and then back to work. Shit like that matters.”
I shrugged and hung my head low. “I guess I just feel guilty. I should’ve been there sooner.”
Still leaning on the counter, he rubbed his hands together. “A lot of fathers don’t dothat, though. A lot of fathers been around their kids all their life and don’t do shit. And it wasn’t like you knew, either. Princess kept that secret. You gotta give yourself more credit than you do.”
I exhaled. I knew he was right. I had been hard on myself, but I also had shown up as much as I could when I was able to.
Kam continued. “You also didn’t have a blueprint, Zay. Nobody does. You were raised on survival like a lot of us were.”
That really hit me then.
“I know,” I said quietly.
Kam shook his head softly, as if the thought broke him. “You been looking out for yourself since you was a kid, so don’t act surprised that this family shit feels foreign.”
I scoffed and chuckled all in the same breath. “Foreign is one way to put it. I ain’t never really felt nothin’ like this before.”
Kam stayed quiet and allowed me to get there again.
“I had women. I had moments. But Princess . . .” I shook my head. “She changed everything for me back then. And thento find out she brought a child into the world—my child—and I didn’t know. I missed so much, years I can’t get back.”
We both sat there for a second, then he sighed dramatically and straightened up. “Alright. Let me ask you something.”
I felt the smile spread across my face, already knowing where the conversation was headed. “Here we go.”
He laughed. “You already know what I’m about to say.”
“Bruh,” I said.
He pointed at me. “How much longer you gon’ pretend like you don’t love that girl?”
I shook my head and laughed. “Man?—”
“How much longer you gon’ act like y’all ain’t a family?” He continued. “Like y’all don’t already move like one?”
I leaned back against the counter. “It ain’t even like that.”
