“Shit no, that’s not what I meant. Selah, baby, can we talk somewhere? Me and you. Just a conversation please.”
I shook my head, feeling like I was going crazy within my own thoughts. “Fine, when and where? I’m not interested in coming out to your house.”
“My house?” he repeated, like my words hurt.
I didn’t respond.
“I deserve that one I guess. Uh, can you come to the gym? I’ll have the conference room open for you. Can you just come?”
“Yeah. I guess.” I hated how I immediately began to wonder why he was at the gym. Nathanial only went to the gym when a fight was on the horizon. I hadn’t heard anything, but then again, I didn’t watch TV or spend much time on social media. Plus we were on the outs, so whatever he had going on I didn’t know about.
“You coming right now? I’ll have Dell get you one of those burgers you like. I’m sure you ain’t ate.”
“Yeah. I’ll be there.”
“Okay. I love you.”
I didn’t respond. I hung up without reciprocation. Tears streamed from my eyes the moment I dropped my phone into my lap. Tears that had me wondering why I was crying. Of course I knew why I was crying, but it had to be more, right? All I kept thinking about was what he’d broken. The romanticized version of what I thought we were.
I sat there for a minute letting the tears flow before I finally wiped them away. I didn’t cry much. I wasn’t that girl and hadn’t been since my father died several years ago.
The ride to LR, the gym where Knockout trained, was quick, given it was about twelve minutes from my bakery. By it also being only two in the afternoon, everything in the city went fast.Lord, I wished it hadn’t.
Before I knew it, I had parked in the underground parking structure below the gym. I didn’t get out of the car immediately but instead sat wondering why I had allowed myself to come here in the first place. Well, I knew why, but I questioned what it would solve. Why was I here about to wreck myself with a conversation when I should have been somewhere planning the pastries and design concept for a wedding I had recently been booked for. It was a referral from a friend of a friend and would require me to take a trip to Chicago. I was fine with that, given I loved the city, and it wasn’t that far from here.
I finally got out of the car. The quicker I got this over with, the faster I’d be heading home to deprogram, put on a pot of tea, and sketch the design for this cake. When I entered the automatic doors, I went straight for the elevators. I pressed the button, standing there eyeing my reflection in the doors. I looked like a mess… shit, I felt a mess. Dressed in a storm blue lounge hoodie and sweats set, my hair was pulled into a messy bun. With most of my hair being shorter, whatever didn’t fit in the ponytail hung low, giving my hair this half up half down look. I looked and felt a mess.
The doors opened just as my assessment ended. I stepped onto the elevator and stood in the center. Then I pressed the fourth level and stepped aside, leaning against the wall as flashes of a man I knew nothing about flowed through my head. Indiri was mysterious… and loud. Not loud in voice, but presence. His whole countenance was so heavy and felt that way even now, notin his space, I craved it.Shit. Why on earth was I thinking about another man this way?
The elevator dinged and I blinked instantly. When the doors opened, Nathanial was standing right there looking pitiful. Usually, I’d ask what was wrong, because I cared so much, but at this point I couldn’t. In true honesty I cared, but with everything going on, I couldn’t fathom giving a shit or even expressing an inkling of care about his wellbeing.
“Hey, baby.” He greeted me nervously. He didn’t know whether to attempt to hug me or keep his distance. I liked his distance.
I just looked at him, swallowing the lump that formed in my throat at the sight of him. Usually, I wanted to crawl into his skin or touch him.God, I always did. But right now the sight of him made my skin crawl and my soul ache.
When I didn’t respond, instead clutching my purse tighter, he turned to lead the way to a conference room I had been in several times. On Saturdays, while he trained in the beginning, I’d sit in here and work on my own business. As a matter of fact, for a while, I spent a lot of my time supporting him when I should have been putting stake behind myself. I just thought that was what I was supposed to do because I loved him.
“You have five minutes,” I stated, turning my back to the chair where the burger he’d mentioned on the call sat. I wasn’t spending all my time here. Shit, I didn’t even have an appetite.
He sighed. “I know I messed up, baby. I know I jus?—”
“How long? And before you lie, just know I’ve done the math myself based on how long ago your friend started liking and commenting on your pictures. Honorable mention, you had blocked her from my social media, but not the bakery’s. So, how long, champ?”
He looked so pitiful, like the answer to my question would hurt him more than it did me. “You don’t wanna do th?—”
“No, I do. I need to know how long I played the fucking fool in this situation.”
“Almost four years.”
My heart dropped, like if it wasn’t encased in my chest, it would’ve been lying on the floor making a mess of the all-white conference room.
“I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you. It just happened.”
“And then it kept fucking happening, right? Why didn’t you just let me go? Tell me that I wasn’t enough for you and let me go. Why did you come home to me time after time again and make me feel crazy because deep down I knew you were doing something?”
“Because I couldn’t hurt you like that.”
“And you think this is better? Got me walking around here not knowing if I’m coming or fucking going.”
