Fuck. Narci was Narci, and Diesel was the stupid motherfucker who’d opened that can of worms.
“What is it, babe?”
“There’s no easy way to say this, Jana.”
“Are you callingoff our wedding?”
“What?”
“I don’t care about anything else. As long as it’s not that, I can accept anything.”
Could she? Maybe this wouldn’t throw her over the edge but suppose he couldn’t find a way around returning to the condo with Tabitha? What then? Suppose Uncle Christopher and Aunt Meggie made her move away because Diesel wouldn’t live there?
Tabitha liked money. However, he’d moved Jana in, against Aunt Meggie’s wishes and Uncle Christopher’s advice, and that pissed off Tabitha. If Diesel had waited and upped his monetary offer, he probably would’ve gotten rid of her by now.
“Hey, babe, what is it? Talk to me.”
“First? No more drugs, Jana. I sound like a broken record, but it’s true, sweetheart. You have so much to offer the world. No more fucking drugs. Aunt Meggie and Uncle Christopher wouldn’t be happy about me, but if they knew about you—”
“Meggie knows. Remember? She saw me after Tabitha and me used and ate each other’s pussy.”
“She doesn’t know,” Diesel insisted. “She thinks you’ve recovered and had a temporary setback. Donottell her or anyone else the truth.”
“If that’s what you want, then of course I’ll do it.”
Diesel grunted. Was Jana really pathetic for not standing up to him or was he allowing Rebel to get into his head? Only one way to find out.
“Sweetheart, there’s no law that says you have to agree with me for everything. You have a beautiful mind. Thoughts. Opinions. Free will. We are different people with different ideas. Tell me howyoufeel. Put me in my place. Stand up to me and for yourself.”
“I don’t want to make you mad.”
“I’ll survive. I’ve been furious enough to keel over, but look…” Smiling tenderly, he held his arms open. “I survived. I’m still here.”
She poked her lip out. “Suppose I like it this way? With me adoring you and listening to you. Does that make you love me less?”
Fuck, he didn’t love her at all. A weight dropped onto his shoulders, drooping them. Hedidlove Jana. He wasin lovewith Jana. He’d fucking say that until he believed those words. He’d make them become the truth.
He tucked hair behind her ear. “Of course not. But if you stand up to me, it’ll deepen my feelings.”
“But our relationship is so perfect,” Jana whispered, her voice trembling.
“It’s far from it, babe,” he said gently. “I’m part of that equation and I’m quite fucking imperfect.”
Jana caressed his jaw. “I disagree.”
Diesel sighed. “Open your eyes to the real me, sweetheart. Hold me accountable. I need that. I need to be able to come to you, block out the fucking world, and hearyou. I need you to call me down when I’ve fucked up and praise me only when I deserve it. That’s what I need and want from you.”
“You’re the strong one. I’m not. I couldn’t do any of that because I don’t see any flaws in you.”
Annoyance surged into Diesel. “I’m a fucking addict. Addicted to drugs. Addicted to death. Addicted to sex. I’m not a good person.”
Sliding closer to him, Jana hugged him. “You are. To me you are. To me—”
Diesel drew away from Jana and grabbed her hands. “I try to be goodfor you. I want to do right by you. And, yes, I’m a grown motherfucker. I should be able to curtail myself. Sometimes knowing you’ll disapprove is enough. Or if I fuck up, knowing I’ll have to face your disappointment and disapproval.”
“You won’t. Never. I’ll never push you away and tell you I’m disappointed in you or disapprove of you or what you’ve done.”
“Jana—”
