‘Me, too,’ I whisper back, before pushing my chair away from him because I can’t be so close to him right now. Not unless I want to do something stupid like blow off talking all together and just kiss him. That’s what my heart really wants. ‘After the race,’ I confirm, and force my eyes back to my screen, hoping he’ll take the hint that the conversation is over.
And then I’m disappointed when he walks away, as though that wasn’t what I asked him to do. My heart longs for him to fight for us, for me, for him to tell me I’ve got it all wrong and he’s over Jackson and I’m the one he wants, but I’m not stupid enough to believe that will happen. I watched him cry his heart out for Jackson Calder– no way would he ever do that for me.
This isn’t some romcom, where the nerdy sidekick gets the super-hot megastar. This is real life.Myreal life. And in three weeks’ time, when the season is over, I’ll go back to Tennessee for a while and allow my mom to send me on some shitty first dates before returning to the factory to start the season all over again. On my own. Because that’s how this story ends.
ChapterTwenty-Nine
Johannes
Free Practice 1 of Texas feels flat. I’m pushing hard on the track, maybe a little harder than I normally do, putting out great numbers, keeping myself in contention, but it all just feels like a giant ball of crap. Like I’m not enjoying being in the car. Like that fearless, reckless spark inside me isn’t lit up today. I’m driving because I know I have to, not because I want to or because I have the desire to win.
‘Looking good out there. Any feedback?’ Caleb asks, and I miss him even more as I hear his voice in my ear. This is not the right time to plead with him, though it’s all I want to do. This is our workplace, and I have to respect that he doesn’t want to talk.
‘All good,’ I mumble. The car actually does feel good. The grip is great and everything feels smooth, but my brain is buzzing all over the place. I’ve managed to avoid seeing Jackson until today, and then suddenly he’s everywhere I look. It’s like he’s haunting me.
‘Roger.’ Caleb not pushing for more information than ‘good’is a clear sign that he doesn’t want to talk to me right now.
Even though he’s promised me a chance to talk after the race on Sunday, I can’t wait that long. I need to know we can fix this. I need to tell him that Jackson is nothing but the past. That he means nothing to me.
I pull into the pit as the hour ends and let the engineers get to work. When I get out of the car, I bump into Harper.
‘You okay, man?’ he asks and I just shrug. ‘You and Caleb still not talking?’
I shake my head. ‘I wish… Fuck, I’ve messed everything up. I want to prove to Caleb that I’ve closed the chapter on Jackson. How do I do that?’
Almost as if he’s listening, my phone lights up and it’s him. That number again.
‘What does he want?’
‘To talk, apparently,’ I reply, my eyes skimming the message asking if I have any time before qualifying.
‘Why don’t you speak to him, clear the air and get all the closure you need and then you can go into the race and everything will be good.’
‘I don’t even know if I can bear to. I just want everything to work out with Caleb. I miss him so much right now.’
‘Then face Jackson and tell him it’s one hundred per cent over. Tell him to stop messaging you. I’ll come with you, if you want. Kian and I both will. We’ll be there to support you. Give us an hour and we’ll meet you at his office.’
That’s how I find myself being snuck in through the back door of the Hendersohm garage after Free Practice 2 and deposited outside of Jackson’s office. Harper knocks on the door before I get the chance to chicken out, and both he and Kian agree to wait outside for me.
‘Johannes,’ Jackson says softly as I close the door behind me and step into his office. ‘How are you doing after Brazil?’
I groan, I hoped he’d get the message that I didn’t want to speak when I didn’t reply to his stupid text. He gestures for me to take a seat and it’s only then that I see it. His tired eyes meet mine. His hair is a floppy mess and there’s a stain on the front of his Hendersohm shirt. A tiny bit of my anger deflates.
‘Better.’ It’s the only word I can force out, and I don’t sit down. After all, I’m not staying. I just want to say my piece and get the fuck out of here.
‘Good, I’m glad. It’s no fun winning when my guys don’t have any competition out there.’ I’m almost offended on the behalf of the likes of Ogum and Kinsley and even Nils now, but I also don’t care about his opinion.
‘What do you want, Jackson? You asked for this meeting and I’m sure as fuck it wasn’t to discuss my ribs.’ I fold my arms over my chest.
‘Is that Harper and Kian waiting outside my door?’ he asks and I nod. ‘They know?’
Of course that’s the first thing he latches on to.
‘Yeah, they know, and I’m not here to apologise for that. It should never have been this way, Jackson. You have to know that.’
He drops back into his plush chair and gestures for me to sit opposite him again, but I continue to stand. I’m not about to give him a single iota of control over me. I’ve fought too hard to claw my own power back.
‘I know,’ he agrees, and I am surprised at how easily and quickly his answer comes.
