‘I don’t know what the fuck’s been going on with you this season because you refuse to talk to me,’ says Harper accusingly. ‘But that ginger hottie is the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to you and if you don’t take a risk on him, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.’ He holds his hands up, palms out, as though he’s said his piece and now he’s done. He emphasises his point by sitting down and folding his arms.
I see the other guys looking back and forth between us, uncertain now about where they stand in this debate.
Nils puts up his hand, like he’s a kid in school.
‘What?’ I say a little too aggressively, but my blood is still boiling.
‘Just so we’re crystal clear,’ he says tentatively, ‘I want you to know that I won’t tell anyone in the team, okay? Or anyone who’s not currently present.’
How did I keep Jackson a secret for years when I haven’t been able to keep the way I feel about Caleb from the guys for a couple of months? I hope Caleb’s okay about me telling them. I should have asked him first, but I didn’t exactly plan to have this conversation.
‘Jesus, man, you look like you’ve seen a ghost|! It’s okay, you know? You and Caleb are fucking cute. He proper likes you. You should see the way you look at each other– it’s something else.’
I melt a little inside, but then I frown at Harper who makes a dramatic gesture with his arms as if to say,see, I told you so.
I extend my middle finger at him and he huffs out a laugh.
I guess I’m going to that music festival after all.
ChapterTwenty
Caleb
Jo’s text comes quite late.
Can’t wait.
And now I can’t wait.
At a certain point, I realised that despite our best intentions, we’ve already taken the leap, and all our careful self-denial means is that we’re shouldering the risk without any of the reward. If things go sideways between us now because of therelationship we’ve already developed, he won’t top the podium and I’ll still lose my job, and then what will the point of any of it have been?
We’ve been trying to pretend we’re stilljust friends,but the only people we’re fooling is us. I’m so tired of wanting him and not being able to touch him. I’m so tired of the ache inside me when he skewers me with one of his heavy-lidded intense stares. I’m so tired of saying no when I want to say yes.
He’s no Brad, of that I’m certain. And there are never any guarantees in life, are there? What would be the point of driving laps around a track if we already knew the outcome? I don’t work in F1 racing because it’s predictable; I do this job because it’s exciting. It curls my toes and sets off fireworks in my belly– just like Johannes.
Ian would know, he’s been here forever, but is there a subtle way to ask him? It’s not like we’re a small organisation, so I could be talking about anyone. He doesn’t need to know it’s Johannes.
‘Hey.’ I drop into the seat next to Ian as he sips his morning coffee, looking way more awake than I feel.
‘Morning,’ he replies simply.
It’s just the two of us in our little cubby in the garage, both early for the pre-race engineer briefing, but I still keep my voice low. ‘Uh, could I ask you something?’
He lowers his tablet and looks at me. ‘Yeah, sure. How can I help?’
He’s seen this team through almost three-hundred races so he really knows his shit, but the more I think about it, the more I’m worried he’s going to dob me in straight away. But I need his advice or at least his factual opinion. ‘I was just wondering if you knew about any rules in our contracts or within the team’s code of behaviour that would prevent us, um, fraternising?’
Fraternising?Who do I think I am? The way he’s looking at me makes me think I’ve definitely screwed this up. His brows knit together in an almost disgusted way.
And then I replay my words again. ‘Oh shit, not us as in me and you, just like, say, two people within the RBF team?’
‘Well,’ he draws it out like he’s really thinking about how to phrase his response. He’s probably relieved that I’m not trying to seduce his married ass. ‘I don’t think there’s anything in our contracts or behaviour code that strictly prevents it, so it’s not going to get you fired, but I wouldn’t recommend it.’
As fast as he raises my hopes, he dashes them. ‘Why?’
‘Because it would impact the dynamic, and if you two broke up, that would be bad for the team.’ Why does it sound like he knows who I’m talking about when asking this question?
‘It’s just a hypothetical, of course.’
