‘You’re telling me,’ I mutter.
‘Do you want to be with him?’ Harper asks, like it’s just that simple and maybe it is– or at least it should be.
And it’s the easier answer I’ll probably ever give in life. ‘Yeah, I do.’
‘Then isn’t that all that matters?’
‘Not really. What if it doesn’t work out? What if it gets awkward? He’s… my race engineer, you know?’
‘What?’ Harper exclaims with mock surprise. Someone else around the table adding, ‘No way!’
I shoot them all a look. ‘It’s the most important dynamic in the team, and winning is important to me.’ I see nods from around the group. ‘I know you all understand that because you feel the same way.’
‘It’s a fair point,’ admits Ash.
‘And that’s only the part that affects me. If things get fucked up, it won’t bemelosing my job, it’ll behim. Risking my success– even the team’s success– is one thing, but risking everythinghe’sworked for?Hisdreams? What would you do?’ There’s silence from the group. ‘No, seriously, please tell me, because this has been killing me.’
I look around at the faces of my friends and I see the uncomfortable truth reflected in them.
‘I agree that none of that should matter. If you both want to try then that should be enough,’ says Kian.
‘But?’ I say. ‘Because there’s definitely abuthiding there beneath all thoseshoulds.’
‘But you have a point,’ he admits grudgingly. I see a few of the others nodding, too.
‘Kian!’ exclaims Harper.
‘Think about it, Harp,’ I say. ‘You know what it takes to top a podium. Nils, Elijah, back me up. It’s fractions of a second. It’s millimetres. It’s a gram here or there. These tyres or those. It’s the smallest disruption and you get shuffled to the bottom of the pack and then what has it all been for? It’s the difference between P1 in Spa and P10 in Silverstone. We’ve all worked so fucking hard to get where we are. It’s not fair to the team. And it’s not fair to him.’
‘That’s fucking bullshit, man,’ Harper replies.
‘But he’s not wrong,’ says Cole carefully.
‘To win takes sacrifice,’ says Elijah. ‘Everyone at this table knows that. I missed the birth of one of my children…’ He looks down at his hands.
‘I still say it’s bullshit,’ repeats Harper. ‘You talk about sacrifice and fairness, but every single time we get in a car and race around a track, we ask ourselves, “What am I prepared to risk in order to win?” We look for slivers of opportunity and weigh up the odds, don’t we? Ash? Cole? Isn’t that what we do? We look for the merest fuckingsliversof opportunity and we risk our very lives on those slivers becausethat’swhat it takes to win. All I’m saying is that Caleb is more than a sliver of an opportunity. You’ve had a couple of bad races this season and maybe that’s made you afraid to?—’
‘Are you calling me a fucking coward?’ I shoot back, standing up and stepping towards him.
‘He’s not calling you a coward. Are you, Harp?’ says Kian, ever the peacemaker.
‘Well, I’m notnotcalling him a coward,’ Harp snarks.
There are a few sharp intakes of breath from the group.
‘You riskyourlife, Harper,’ I say coldly, ‘but would you riskhis?’ I indicate Kian with my thumb. Harper jumps to his feet.
‘YES! Of course I fucking would. Because I trust myself. Because I back myself. Because taking a risk is what got me this hot idiot in the first place.’
The tension is thick between us and you could hear a pin drop.
‘Because maybe that’s the difference between being at the top, like I am, and not being at the top, like you are.’
‘Harper!’ says Elijah, getting up in anticipation of having to referee a real fight between us.
I swear to God, I’ve never wanted to punch my best friend more than I do right now. I feel rage rising inside me. It’s a blistering fury and it burns white hot, but mainly because there’s a part of me that knows he’s right. I stopped trusting myself. I lost confidence in myself. I clench my fists at my sides and feel the cold trickle of truth drip down my spine. I stopped believing in myself somewhere along the line because Jackson made me believe I wasn’t worthy.
It’s only since I’ve got to know Caleb, since we’ve become a proper team, that I’ve begun to find my way back to myself. That I’ve begun to take risks again that have put me back on top where I belong.
