“I’m not telling you this because I expect anything from you,” I said quickly, before he could start listing all the reasons why this was complicated. “I know the situation we’re in. I know about professional boundaries and consequences and all of that.”
“Then why are you telling me?”
“Because I needed you to know that this isn’t about physical attraction for me anymore. It’s not some experiment or curiosity or whatever I thought it was at first.”
“What is it then?”
I took a deep breath, trying to find words for feelings I was still figuring out myself. “It’s that I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want to hook up with girls at parties or date other people or pretend that what I feel for you is something I can get over that easily.”
“Adan…”
“I’m not asking you to do anything about it. I’m not asking you to risk your job or compromise your ethics or figure out how to make this work. But I needed you to know that when I think about being with someone, the only person I want is you.”
Nils was quiet for a long moment, and I could see him processing what I’d said, trying to figure out how to respond to that level of honesty. “You’re twenty years old. You’ve barely had time to figure out what you want from life, let alone from a relationship.”
“First of all, I’m turning twenty-one in four weeks, but more importantly, I know what I feel when I’m with you, and I don’t feel that with anyone else.”
“Feelings can change. Especially at your age.”
That could’ve easily come across as condescending, but it didn’t. Somehow, his honesty shone through.
“They can. But mine haven’t. If anything, they’ve gotten stronger.”
He was quiet again, studying my face in the dim light from the single lamp he’d turned on. I could see him struggling with something, weighing options or consequences or feelings he didn’t want to acknowledge. “Why tonight? What made you decide to tell me this now?”
“Because I realized I was lying to myself about what this was. And if I was lying to myself, I was probably lying to you too.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve been acting like this was attraction, physical chemistry that we needed to manage. But sitting at that party tonight, having a beautiful woman flirt with me and feeling absolutely nothing, I realized this is something else entirely.”
“Something else like what?”
The question was quiet, careful, like he was afraid of the answer.
“Like I’m falling for you,” I said simply. “Like this isn’t about wanting to kiss you or be close to you physically. It’s about wanting to know everything about you, wanting to be the person you talk to when you’re having a bad day, wanting to build something real with you.”
Nils closed his eyes briefly, like my words were causing him physical pain. “That’s exactly what I was afraid you were going to say.”
“Why afraid?”
“Because it makes this so much more complicated than physical attraction. Because feelings like that don’t go away when the situation becomes inconvenient.”
“No, they don’t.”
“And because I care about you too much to want to hurt you, but I don’t see how this ends without someone getting hurt.”
“Maybe someone does get hurt. Maybe this is messy and complicated and doesn’t have a clean solution. But that doesn’t make it less real.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
We sat in silence for a moment, both of us processing the weight of what had been said. I’d put everything on the table—my feelings, my honesty, my complete vulnerability—without asking for anything in return except that he know the truth.
“What happens now?” he asked eventually.
“Nothing has to happen. Like I said, I’m not expecting anything from you, but I needed you to know where I stand.”
“And where do you stand?”
