I’d caught her in the alley behind the house, smoking something stronger than just a cigarette. “Squeeks,” I said, calling to her with a firm voice. She froze in place, eyes instantly widening as she turned to me. Her smile was all too fake as she hid the smoke behind her back.
“Hey, bro,” sounding casual like I hadn’t just caught her doing something she shouldn’t be.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“I was just,” she flicked the end of the joint away too fast, like it could undo what I’d already seen. My eyes followed its path as it fell to the floor. “Just helping out.”
“With what?” I said, stepping into her space.
Her gaze dropped to the floor, scuffing her foot against the dirt. “Stuff.”
“Danny’s stuff?” My voice rose in my annoyance. She didn’t answer, just wrapped her arms around herself, like she was cold.
I let out a huff, shaking my head at her, “You’re not part of that world Squeeks. Stop trying to act like you are. It doesn’t suit you.” She met my eyes, and for a moment, I saw Danny pulling the strings behind them. A dangerous reflection of my younger self staring right back at me.
“Maybe I don’t have a choice,” her tone spitting as I began dragging her back to the house. “Anyway, why do you care? You did it?” yanking her arm free from my grip.
“Oh, so you wanna be like them now?” pointing into the house. “I'm trying to keep you safe. You're just a kid, Squeeks.”
She cocked her hip, narrowing her eyes at me. “I’m twelve. Older than you when you started—”
“That’s not a fucking credential, Squeeks,” I hissed, closing the distance between us. “Fine, you wanna do this. Then go for it. Be my fucking guest. But don’t come crying to me when some guy decides to take things too far. Youwillhave a fucking target on your back if you don’t watch yourself.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means, little sister. That you’re a pretty girl. They won't care how old you are or if you don’t want to. They will take and not think twice about you. I think you forget all the times I came back covered in blood and bruises from people thinking they can take from me, because I wasjusta kid.”
I wanted to scare her. Make her realise the choices she was making would end badly.
“Fuck you Screech,” She spat.
She knew I was right, only she hadn’t seen the dark side of this life. Not really, I'd tried my best to shield her from it. Maybeit was time for her to witness what happens when Danny doesn’t get what he wants.
Biting down on my bottom lip, I shook my head, “Go on then. What's he got you doin'?”
She hesitated, tilting her chin. “Me and a couple of mates run his shit downtown; I go with Mum sometimes.” Her lip curled like her actions were something to be proud of.
“What?!”
“Oh, don’t act so butthurt, Ty. I’m fine.”
“You’re fucking delusional. Good luck sis, you're gonna need it.” I turned from her entering the house, with only the sound of Mum arguing with Danny filling the silence between us.
Stepping out from the kitchen, my eyes landed on the angry shadows that danced against the sickly lamp light bleeding from Danny’s room, their voices rising ever higher as they hacked each other apart with insults. My feet anchored in place, and knuckles blanched as I battled myself, wanting to burst in there, rip him apart for daring to involve Squeeks, shake my mum until something rattled in her skull, for exposing us to this shit, allowing this to happen and continue to happen in the first place.
What good would it do? My voice would vanish under theirs like it always did.
Then the realisation seeped in. It had all been pointless. Every time I stood between her and them, every blow I took so she’d never have to, every stupid, desperate attempt to shield her from what was coming, telling myself she’d never become a part of this world… all for nothing. She saw everything they did to me, every ugly moment, and she still stepped toward it.
Standing alone in the flickering half-light, the truth settled in my chest like a dead weight. The rot I’d been holding back had finally found its way into everything, into her, leaving me questioning if I ever protected her at all.
I stared at the cracked mirror, taking in my reflection. My fingers running through my hair, a half-arsed attempt to make myself look somewhat reasonable. My eyes were bloodshot from the joys of zero sleep. The shadows under my eyes had settled in like they paid rent. I looked older; my childish softness had long since disappeared beneath the lean muscle I had grown into. A sharp jaw and a stare that made girls blush could never undo the shit etched into my bones.
My nineteenth birthday was yet another sorry excuse for a party. Both of them fucked off their faces, and Squeeks dipping in and out like some fucking Uber service as cars rolled past the house.
I pulled on my black denim jacket, worn thin at the elbows, and took one last glance before opening the door. I really couldn’t be fucked to deal with their bullshit. So, drowning my ass in whatever I could find sounded like my best option.
Downstairs, the music thudded low and mean, some bass-heavy anthem for idiots who thought they were gods. Danny was already loud, chanting like he owned the night as his chums packed the house. Mum handed me a bottle as soon as she saw me, no words between us, just her draping her drunken body against me before dancing off into the arms of some other sleaze ball.
