But she also should have told me this sooner, so I could have paid out of pocket. It’s not like I can’t afford it. I just don’t like spending my own money on idiots who waste my time. That’s what producer deals are for. “Fine. I’ll manage without an assistant over the holidays. You sure you’re still sick?”
She has another coughing fit and then a sneezing fit, and I suffer through both fits.
“You okay?” I ask. And Idowant her to be okay. Not just because I can’t do anything without her, because I genuinely like her and want her to return to the office ASAP.
“Not exactly.”
“I’ll let you go in a minute, but while I have you on the phone… I ran out of the sticky notes I like. Where are you hiding them?”
“I’m not hiding them. They’re in the supply closet. That’s why it’s called a supply closet—it’s where we keep the supplies.”
I open the door to the outer office and make sure that horrible temp is gone before walking out. “Okay, talk me through this.”
“Chris Hemsworth on a cracker, will you let me die in peace?!”
“Don’t you dare die until I get this movie made, Elaine.”
“Well, that’s sweet. Are you in the supply closet yet?”
“Hang on.”
“Oh, I am hanging on by a thread, young man. Don’t forget to use a ream of copy paper to keep the door open.”
“Why?”
“Because of the funky door-jamb thing.”
“Why didn’t you get it fixed?”
“I get them to fix it every month, and it always goes back to the way it was—it’s an old building!”
“Why is everyone here an idiot except us?”
“How kind of you to include me in your plight of superior humanity. Did you hold the door open with the copy paper?”
“Why don’t we just get a real door stop?”
“Christopher Walken on a crabcake, why do you have to make a federal case out of everything?”
“Yes, a ream of copy paper is holding the door open. Now what?”
“Now grab another ream and shove it up your—” She has a coughing fit and then the line goes dead.
Well, now what am I supposed to do? Look for the sticky notes by myself? I don’t have time for this. I have to reread the worst script anyone has ever read and figure out how to turn it into a family comedy so I can hire a screenwriter to rewrite it within one month. But I need the good sticky notes. And I don’t see them.
When I hold up my phone to call Elaine back, I see that I’ve got a bunch of text notifications from my Lazy Wingmen text convo. My fellowThat’s So Wizardalumni. Those assholes. Maybe one of them will help me with this piece-of-shit screenplay.
SHANE MILLER
Abrams. You busy? We’re at that coffee place you hate on Sunset. Come join us.
NICO TODD
There’s a woman here who’s giving Michelle Pfeiffer circa Grease 2 vibes. Blonde bangs, hot, and she looks even meaner than you.
ALEX VEGA
I just asked her if she’s interested in meeting a man with a job who probably won’t talk to her very much. She’s into it.
