‘That’s it, let’s get you back inside,’ Hope said. ‘I’ll see if one of the other girls?—’
‘No,’ Delphine said through gritted teeth. ‘I don’t want anyone else there. I’ve done this before and I can do it again.’
‘Very well.’
Delphine clenched her teeth through the next wave of pain, hoping she didn’t sound ungrateful, wanting to explain herself, but suddenly finding it hard to even put one foot in front of the other.
‘I just, I want to do this on my own. It will be the only time I spend with my baby.’
‘You don’t have to explain to me. I’ll only call someone for the doctor if he’s needed.’
Delphine nodded and walked as quickly as she could.In a hurry, just like my Tommaso. Tears filled her eyes as she pictured holding another darling baby, kissing all their fingers and toes to celebrate the miracle of what she’d created.
‘It’s a girl,’ Hope said, passing Delphine the tiny, crying bundle that was her baby.
‘A girl?’ Delphine’s face was wet with sweat, her hair stuck to her forehead as she craned her neck to see her baby’s face. ‘I was certain it was going to be a little boy.’
‘Well, she might not be a boy, but she certainly has a set of lungs on her.’
Hope had swaddled the baby tightly, but it was doing nothing to soothe her.
‘Do you think there’s something wrong with her?’ Delphine asked. ‘My other two were like little kittens mewling.’
‘I think she’ll be fine once she feeds,’ Hope said. ‘I think the poor little darling is just hungry.’
Delphine froze at the thought of feeding her, not having expected to be doing that. She didn’t know what she’d expected, or why she’d thought she wouldn’t be nursing her, but the thought sent a cold shiver down her spine.
‘If I nurse her, if—’ Delphine knew her eyes would be as round as saucers.
Hope sat down on the bed bedside her, not saying anything, but her expression telling Delphine she understood.
‘It will be so much harder to say goodbye,’ Hope eventually said. ‘You think it will make your bond stronger, that you won’t want to part with her.’
‘You don’t think it will make it harder?’ Delphine whispered.
‘To the contrary, I think you’re absolutely right, but there’s going to be nothing easy about leaving her, no matter what you do. Your heart is going to be broken regardless of whether you feed her or not. You’ll think about never seeing her again, question whether you’re doing the right thing.’ Hope patted her hand. ‘But the one thing you can do is to make the next few days with your daughter special. You can give her every bit of love in your heart, nurture her and care for her the same way you have your other children, tell her all the things you want her to know.’
Delphine began to cry then, which only made her baby more and more upset. But she couldn’t help it. Once the tears started, they were almost impossible to stop.
‘I don’t ever want to let her go,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t want anyone else to hold her. I don’t want her to be someone else’s child.’
Hope opened her arms and embraced her and her daughter, holding them both as Delphine cried. Once her sobs had given way to little hiccups of tears, Hope gently stroked her face and dried it, before looking into her eyes.
‘Tell me why you’re doing this,’ Hope said gently. ‘It will help to remind yourself, to say it out loud.’
‘Because if I don’t, my husband will discover that I’ve been unfaithful,’ she murmured. ‘I will lose my other two children.’
Hope’s fingers were featherlight against her skin.
‘I will have no means to provide for my baby. I will be alone, and I will never see Tommaso and Isabella ever again.’
‘You need to decide what is most important to you, Delphine. Every woman I see here is faced with an impossible decision, although it does come more easily to some,’ she said. ‘But you, you’re different. You know how quickly this baby will grow into a lovable child, a child who you will fight for with all your heart, just as you’re doing for your other children now.’
‘Then why do I feel as if I’m making the most horrible choice? Why do I feel as if Florian will never forgive me?’
‘Because making the right decision is never easy. It’s not supposed to be,’ Hope said, gently. ‘There’s nothing easy about being a mother, or giving up a baby for adoption.’
‘Or losing a baby?’ Delphine asked.
