“It’ll be fine,” Ellie reassures him. “There are no policies about faculty members engaging in…things”—she waves her hand at the screen—“with each other anymore. They’re free to do as they please.” She gives me a supportive smirk.
“They’re at camp! A camp we sent them to and paid for.” Benny’s grumble is almost comparable to mine.
“Nothing will happen. You know me, and you know Kate,” I reassure him.
“Yes, I do. Alright.” He attempts a steadying breath. “Well, then, what’s the issue? You know, if you’re not gonna…” He trails off, wincing at where his mind was going. I’m sure the thought of his cousin, who is practically his sister, doing anything but holding hands with another person is enough to send Benny to Crazy Town.
“Theissue,honey,” Ellie speaks through her teeth, “is Malcolm’s entire plan is ruined. How can he woo her if they’ll be together literally every second? The mystery and tension of romance is out the freaking window now!” Ellie seems more upset about all of this than me.
“Exactly. So what now?” I rub the back of my neck and roll it out. The plane and bus ride killed my back, and the stress of this “plan” has become an added physical pain.
“We just come up with a new plan!” Ellie answers before Benny can get a word out. “Yes. You can still do a few things, but the other things, like lingering hugs goodnight or walking away backward, gazing at her, will have to be thrown out.” Ellie waves her hands around and reaches for a notebook—the infamous notebook full of doodles and secrets. She starts scribbling away like a maniac, Benny and I both watching.
“Great, you just let me know what you come up with,” I murmur under my breath. Including them in these plans hasn’t been very enjoyable, but I hate to admit that it’s probably necessary. According to them, just asking Kate to dinner wasn’tstrongenough to pull me out of the friend zone.
A group of kids races through the lobby with beach towels and a speaker blaring some nonsense aboutbig energy. I glanceover, clocking each face and making sure none of them are from my group.
“Where are you at?” Benny asks, eyeing the commotion that passed behind me.
“The lobby. I told Kate I forgot toothpaste.”
“Did you?”
“Of course I didn’t forget toothpaste. I just needed to calm down,” I snip. Benny’s eyebrows furrow as he watches me. Ellie stops writing and eyes me too.
“Are you alright?” Her voice is therapist-y.
I take a slow inhale, looking away from their pity eyes, and watch Hawaiian Shirt order another drink.
“Are you still having nightmares?” Ellie whispers.
Nightmares.
“I haven’t had any in a month,” I whisper.
“Good, good.” Benny nods.
“What if I—”
“Just try to stay calm and manage your stress the best you can,” Ellie interrupts my question before I can let it consume me. “You won’t let the plan be ruined because offreakingBill. Use the forced proximity to your advantage, alright?” She does a good job at reverting back to the conversation in an attempt to not let me dwell on my issues.
Over the years, I’ve been able to push the memories aside, suppressing them with every ounce of energy I have. But then I get comfortable, thinking they aren’t a problem anymore. And then it creeps in again when I least expect it. It could be from lack of sleep or a familiar sound.
Hell, I had to call my therapist in a panic because the bird that flew over my house one morning reminded me of a helicopter.
But for years, I didn’t have a therapist. I refused to talk to anyone about it. Detaching myself from the past seemed like thebest option, until the nightmares were happening every night, and I realized it was getting me nowhere.
I’ve made progress.
But I can’t shake the anxiety gnawing at my insides at the real possibility of having a nightmare around Kate. It’s one thing to know about the nightmares—which she does—but actually seeing them is a different thing entirely. And that terrifies me.
What if it scares her away? What if she pities me? What if the fact that I cry like a baby at night over watching my friend die is too much for her to handle?
“It’s going to be fine, Malcolm.” Benny pulls me back to the conversation, reassuring me.
I just nod. The tiny amount of confidence I had in winning Kate over is just about gone now.
Chapter eleven
