“I’ll walk you out.You!”—she directs an accusatory pointer finger at Lola—“Don’t you move a muscle.” Lola mumbles Tagalog insults under her breath as Kate leads me into the hallway. “Thank you for coming by. She loves seeing you.”
“You know…” I say as we walk past the nurses’ station, “I didn’t come just for her.” In front of the opening elevator, I turn to face her and shove my hands in my pockets.
Kate’s eyes flicker to me then to the elevator, then at her shoes, the ceiling, down the hall—everywhere but me. Blowing air through her tight lips, she rests her hands on the top of her hair. Something’s off.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Malcolm…” She halts and begins to chew on her thumbnail—the universal sign that Kate is uncomfortable. Did I make her uncomfortable with what I said? Was it that bad?
“I’m sor—”
Stopping me with a hand in the air between us, she asks, “Do you really not remember?” She drops her hand to her side, waiting. I don’t know what she’s referring to, and her eyes tell me Ineedto remember whatever it is. I rack my brain, desperate for an answer, but nothing. Her shoulders sink, my silence clear that I don’t know what she’s asking. “You don’t remember what happened last night?” Her gaze hits the floor, and mine follows, her bright-pink shoes stark against the scuffed-up, cream-colored tile.
Bits and pieces of last night have slowly come back over the day: my weird remarks to Steven, me offering a job to Daniels, telling Emma she was glowing like the moon. I acted like a fool, so who knows what I said to Kate to make her so uncomfortable. I pinch the bridge of my nose and squeeze my eyes shut, the pounding in my head a dull ache compared to earlier.
Forcing myself to relive memories never goes well.
My throat tightens as painful flashes try to tear their way through my mind. The desert heat, dirt caked to my face, the weight of my gun slung over my shoulder. The dirt residue from this afternoon feels thick on my hands, seeping deep into my knuckles. I scrub them against my jeans and try to shake the crawling sensation moving up my neck at my thoughts.
“Kate, I—I’m sorry.” I scratch my head aggressively, feeling the specks of dirt clinging to my skin like a heavy shadow. “I don’t.” My voice feels thick.
“That’s alright. I just wanted to check. Hey…” She lingers, tugging on the hem of my arm sleeve. “It’s fine. It’s probably for the best anyway.”
“What do you mean?” I look at her.
“I just mean this week was kind of crazy. You know, with seeing Eric, and your concussion…it was just a lot.” Her face is stern, focused. It feels like she’s looking straight through me. “I just want to make sure we’re good.”
I eye her, a thousand questions written on my face. She bites her thumbnail again, clearly questioning if she should continue. I’m not going anywhere until she says what she needs to.
She relents. “Malcolm, you’re my best friend. And I would die if I lost that—if I lost you. I’ve just had a lot of time to think this past week, and I want to make sure we’re good, that you and I will always stay friends, and nothing will change that.” Fear and hope morph her face, the auburn tint of her eyes shifting as she focuses on me.
Stay friends. Just…friends.
It’s a punch to the gut. It’s a harder hit than yesterday.
My behavior led to this. The intentional flirting, the soft touches, the compliments. God, the compliments. I scared her. I tried too hard, and now I’ve ruined my chances.
“Right,” I say, quickly pressing the down button on the elevator. It opens instantly, thank God. “Friends.” Stepping in, I give Kate a wave before the doors shut between us. The fear of reality stings my eyes as I descend to the ground floor.
Embarrassment is a tricky thing. It either grazes past you, barely touching the surface, or it penetrates deep within, reaching every small space that holds you together, nearly pulverizing you down to nothing. And sometimes, it’s a moment with someone who means everything to you that leaves you thinking you might never come back from it.
Lucky for me, I don’t think anything crazy has happened to pulverize me yet—nothing I can remember, anyway. Now, I just have to make Kate forget everything that happened this past week so we can go back to normal. I scoff to myself as I stand outside my truck.Normal.The word feels heavy and disjointed. Nothing about this is normal. Things shifted this week. But if all Kate wants is to be friends, maybe that’s her way of saying,I know how you feel, but I don’t feel the same.
The pulsing in my head thumps so hard I feel dizzy. Gripping my door handle, I breathe slowly and fight off the panic trying to claw its way through my chest. I can’t lose her. And I can’t let my feelings scare her away.
The panic slows to a small tremble deep in my gut, and I steady myself. If all she wants is my friendship, then I will be the best damn friend she’s ever had.
And maybe, over time, I will get over her.
Chapter twenty-eight
Kate
“Impossible,” I say, throwingmyself onto the couch.
“So then why are you still swiping right on these randos?” Ellie glares at me from the other end of the couch, wrapped in my fuzzy polka-dot blanket.
“I just can’t risk what we have based off one kiss—especially oneconcussedkiss. He doesn’t even remember it! He’s already back to his usual broody self and everything.”
