He swiped at the tears and shook his head. “No. I mean, we aren’t going steady or anything official, are we?”
Going steady? I hadn’t thought of that in terms of myself since early high school, but I wasn’t going to call him out on linguistics. “I am not seeing anyone else. I guess I thought of us as exclusive. Are you dating other people? Going to the club with them and scening?”
“You know I’m not. Other people aren’t the problem.”
“You already said it’s you, but I for the life of me don’t know how you could be a problem. But if you have a concern, won’t you please share it with me? I’m starting to worry that I really did do something and you’re trying to figure out how to end things. Really, if that’s the case, you don’t even have to explain.I wish you would.” The past weeks had been the happiest of my life, even though we did seem to be stuck. But I couldn’t have just left it there…floating.
“I don’t want to break up with you.” He buried his face in my shirt, voice muffled but understandable. “But I’m worried.”
“Okay.” I looked around, but the restaurant was nearly empty. We were at the back, and only the tables by the front windows were occupied. As much privacy as a public place could offer, and I was afraid if I suggested we go somewhere else, the courage he’d summoned might dissipate. “You’re very brave to share your worries with me. If I can, I’d like to help with them, or at the very least, give you my full support.”
He sniffled a little. “That’s what’s so hard. You’re so strong and perfect and so many people depend on you. Which is fine when I’m big…”
“But when you’re little, you need someone to depend on, and they can’t be off taking care of someone else?”
He pulled free and sat up. “That sounds so selfish, and I do not want to keep you from saving lives. From being the hero who saved mine. But that first morning after when I woke up and you were gone, I thought…what if I was little, and you had to go? How would I cope?”
No wonder my few relationships fell apart so quickly. Had those men recognized that I might have to leave at a moment’s notice—when they needed me?
“I understand. And you’re right. It’s not responsible of me to do that, to accept your gift of being little and then turn and walk out the door. It’s not fair, and you deserve better.”
The server started toward us then turned and went the other way. No doubt sensing an interruption would not be welcomed.
“I’m not saying that you have to change at all.” Ernie laid his hand on my arm. “I just have to figure out how it might work. All I am asking for is time to think about that. Is that okay?”
“Of course. And know that if you decide I am not the daddy for you, I will understand and respect your choice.” And cry…a lot. Grieve the loss of the best man I’d ever met. But telling him that would be the utmost manipulation. “So, why don’t we go slow, brainstorm if you like on what we might do, and for now, finish dinner and get our dessert?”
“Does it make me soulless if I still want it?”
I gave him a smacking kiss on the cheek. “It makes you adorable.”
Chapter Thirteen
Ernie
Going slow was the responsible thing to do. Jumping in with both feet, knowing I still wasn’t 100 percent confident, wasn’t fair to either of us. But it didn’t matter that it was responsible. It still freaking hurt.
It more than hurt; it was validating in the worst possible way. It meant that what I was feeling wasn’t just my head playing games with me. Jovan agreed my concerns were valid. How I longed for them to be irrational. At least then I could push past them and move on. Now, I needed to figure out if it was a deal-breaker or not, and that terrified me.
I slapped on my happy face for the rest of our date. It was great that we talked. Keeping things inside had been an obstacle in all my relationships from family to partners to friendships. Even with Hal and Ridge, I wouldn’t call us super close. They opened up to me far more than I did to them. We had fun together, but I wouldn’t say we were close. Not in the truest sense.
More than anything, I wanted to take Jovan home with me after our date and spend the night exploring each other’s bodies. But that was the exact opposite of taking it slow. Instead, I kissed him good night and went up to my apartment…alone.
I wanted to scream into my pillow, but all that would do would be to piss off my neighbor. Been there, done that. So not worth the thirty seconds of relief.
Instead, I filled the bathtub and grabbed the special bath bomb I’d been saving for a time when I really needed something fun. It was one of those that had a capsule toy inside, and there was something magical about mystery toys and baths. Puttogether, exactly what I needed to fall into little space. Or that was the plan, anyway.
I’d picked it up at a craft fair last summer, and it looked like it had seen better days when I pulled it out of the drawer. The color had faded, some of it sticking to the packaging. The scent wasn’t very strong and, try as I might, I couldn’t pinpoint what it was meant to be. It’d still be fun.
I also grabbed a toy boat and a ducky I won in one of those claw machines where everyone was a winner. They were the only kind I’d play because despite it being a 100 percent success rate, I still took forever to get something in the metal jaws.
It took years for the tub to fill. Fine, more like ten minutes, but it felt that long. I climbed inside, held the bath bomb up high, and dropped it with a splash. It fizzed, the water turning an odd shade of blue green, nothing at all like the ocean, more like a slushie when the kids are allowed to mix their own.
Now came the fun part. I watched as the bath bomb fizzed away, waiting for the capsule to pop to the top so I could fish out my prize. There were times I didn’t make it long enough to have it release on my own, picking the bomb away with my fingers. That would probably have been the case with this one had the color not acted so peculiarly.
“Okay, little ducky, let’s see what this is.” I squeezed the capsule until it popped open. Inside, there was a teeny, tiny boat made in the same fashion as my rubber ducky, only boat-shaped. “All right, ducky, let’s ride on the boat.”
Of course, my ducky was bigger and kept falling off. When I was in little space, that would’ve had me in stitches. Since I was too busy with my pity party for one in my head, instead, it was boring. I refused to give up. I tried to play silly game after silly game, but they never distracted me fully from our conversation at dinner.
