I had a feeling he wasn’t completely comfortable with our situation in the beginning, and I understood his reasons. It wasn’t so much that he was quite a bit older than me, though he was. It was because he met me when I was a child. Nearly an adult, but not quite there. Then again, based on the arguments I’d had with my parents for most of my senior year about how I was grown up and they couldn’t tell me what to do, I’d very much been a child. But that time had long passed.
He wasn’t my doctor anymore and hadn’t been for a decade. I wasn’t a child anymore, now closer to thirty than to twenty, and we hadn’t met in a medical setting. He didn’t use any information he had from work to contact me. None of the things that would make this inappropriate in any way were present.
We were two men who met in the park. And fine, we had met once before, but that had nothing to do with that day or how the two of us got along. Jovan had offered to take me to the theater for a musical I had mentioned I wanted to see. While that sounded like a fun activity, it wasn’t good for a first date. You couldn’t exactly have a conversation in a theater.
He also offered to take me to the new steak house that was getting all the rave reviews, but when I looked it up, it required a jacket and a tie, and the place setting had far more utensils thanI wanted to deal with. It might be nice for a special night out, but for our first date, I wanted to do something where we could get to know each other.
When he suggested maybe going to one of my favorite restaurants, it was a done deal. We were going to get burgers at the same place I got my post-interview lunch the day we met in the park. I hadn’t been back since, and it seemed perfect. We could talk, eat, and walk around the little shops when we were done. Low pressure.
He picked me up and drove us there. I wasn’t big into driving in the city but didn’t mind being a passenger.
He found a spot to park about a block and a half away from the restaurant, which was nice because we were able to get a little bit of a walk in. Only, I spent the entire time wondering if it was okay to hold his hand or if he was going to hold mine. I really wanted to, but there was so much to think about.
Some people didn’t like public displays of affection, even something as minimal as hand-holding. Some daddies didn’t like it when littles took initiative, especially when it came to physical steps forward. He’d given me no indication he was like that. I’d kind of been leading the charge from the beginning, but not with touch.
The result was that I never got up the courage to take his hand before we reached the door.
“This is it,” I said. “Prepare for greasy awesomeness.”
The hamburger fairy was definitely looking out for me. My favorite table was open and clean. It was perfect because I could see what was happening around us, and no one ever lined up in this part of the restaurant like they did with some others.
We got our menus, and I told him what I liked and what I still wanted to try one day. We placed our order a few minutes later.
“Do you want to tell me what happened outside?” he asked.
“What do you mean?” I was so confused.
“I mean, you were very comfortable when I picked you up. You seemed to be just as comfortable in the car, but after we parked and started walking, that comfort seemed to disappear. Do you feel unsafe in this neighborhood?”
“No, no, not at all. It’s just…” I tilted my head down and covered my eyes with my hand. I was so embarrassed. “I wanted to hold your hand, is all,” I blurted out.
It was either that or have him ask questions until I finally confessed, because while I might not know Jovan well, I knew him well enough to know he wasn’t going to let it go.
“You know that I can still see you, even with your eyes covered.” His light teasing was what I needed, and I removed my hand, now looking at the Formica tabletop.
“Will you look at me, please?”
It wasn’t the first time he’d asked that of me. He was never cruel or harsh when I did, but still, it took a lot for me to look up and meet his eyes.
“Thank you for telling me. And, in the future, you always can.”
I nodded.
“I never hide who I am, if that was your concern.”
“Part of it,” I said.
“Well, to ease the rest of your concern, I like you near me, and I’d be happy to hold your hand.” He put his on the table, and I placed mine on top of it. We sat like that until the food came.
The food was delicious, greasy, awesome, wonderful, exactly like I had promised it would be. We stuck around long enough to share a piece of pie, but then the line started building up as people were leaving the bars.
“We should go,” he said.
He slid out of the booth and held his hand out for mine. I took it, so grateful we had that conversation.
“I’d like to spend more time with you,” he said, “but I really need to take care of Zoe. The dog walker wasn’t available tonight.”
“Oh, okay.” I was disappointed, but I wouldn’t want to date someone who didn’t take good care of their fur baby.
