“Jay.” She grabs my belt loops and closes the gap.
Rubbing the back of my neck, I close my eyes and muster up all of the self-control I have.
“I’m not going to do this.”
She freezes where she is, before dropping her face. Her hands follow suit.
I put her chin between my fingers and tilt it to me.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. Because trust me,” I look down at where my pants bulge from the strain underneath, “I really fucking want to. But I don’t want any part of you to think this was my plan.” I move a loose hair back into place. “I came here because I wanted to be with you, Claire. All of you. Not just like this.” She exhales and then looks at me understandingly.
“I get it,” she says. “This wasn’t my plan either.”
I drop to the floor, kneeling between her legs. I run my hands up her thighs and let out a heavy sigh, cursing myself for doing what I know is right. I pull her head to mine and kiss her hard one more time. She leans into the kiss hungry for more. Breaking apart reluctantly, I rest my forehead on hers.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She smiles. “See you tomorrow.”
I stand,looking down at her one more time. I trace the outline of her lips with my thumb. I can’t believe I’m here.
And I can’t believe I’m leaving.
“You’re fucking flawless.”
Before I can see her reaction, I walk straight for my shirt and out of her apartment, knowing if I hesitate for even a second, I might change my mind.
24
Claire
That cold shower did absolutely nothing to cool me off. Standing under the running water, my mind kept racing back to just moments before. It took me a solid ten minutes to even move from my bed once I heard the door close behind him. I wasn’t sure if I was upset or impressed that Jay decided to leave after I sprawled half my naked body before him. In the end, I think I landed on a combination of both — upset not because he hurt my feelings but because I was disappointed he wouldn’t stay. Impressed because his self-control was incredible.
Feeling how much of him wanted me, knowing how much of me wanted him back —how no amount of friction was enough. His hands in my hair, on my back, both of us wanting more. Walking out that door took a type of discipline I just don’t possess.
I saw a lot of Jay tonight that was new to me. Parts of his past, parts of his body — the scars on both the inside and the outside that marked areas I had never seen before. And despite him sharing more of himself in both ways, there’s so much to him that I still don’t know. For a guy so seemingly simple, he’s the most complex person I’ve ever met. An alcoholic mother, abuse, foster care? I mean the man stole cars just to make himself happy. It’s like he’s slowly peeling away the layers that seem to protect him from the world, but they’re like pieces of a puzzle I have yet to fit together. It would be nice if the final picture would reveal itself to me all at once instead of little by little but for now, I’ll take what I can get.
I saw a lot of myself tonight too, which wasalso entirely new to me. Who knew I was capable of taking charge and that when I did, it would feel so good? Okay, so I basically got rejected, but even initiating something on my own was freeing. Like the first time Jay and I kissed at the restaurant — I would have never started something like that with Mark. With him, I was always afraid to look stupid. Like if I made a move and put myself out there, he would pick me apart for trying to be sexy. There’s just something about Jay that makes me feel like I can take control and not be judged for it. And for someone who is so used to being inside my head, that kind of dominance is empowering.
Glancing at the clock, I see it’s already after midnight. Jay and I spent over two hours together, and I didn’t even realize it until now. Time with him passes so fast, so easily. I could count on two hands how many days we’ve even known each other and yet, he’s slowly becoming one of my favorite people — next to Chloe of course, who I promised I’d keep posted on any details. I shoot her a text telling her to call me tomorrow for updates.
Putting my pajamas back on, sans bra this time, I see in the mirror the spot where he marked my chest. Brushing my fingers over it, I’m hit with another wave of him. His gentle kiss on my neck, his callused hands running up my thighs, his possessive eyes on my bare skin. The heat between us was palpable, our bodies reacting to each other like one was flowing water and the other dying of thirst.
I crawl into bed hoping that considering the time, I can fall right to sleep but even now, just the memory of tonight keeps me awake. Lying in the same bed I brought him to, I can’t help but imagine what it would have been like had he stayed.
His dropping to the floor between my legs is an image I don’t want to forget. Would he have stayed there? Maybe slipped my shorts off next? Would he have trailed his lips up my inner thigh, until he reached my most sensitive spot? Would I have felt his breath beneath the fabric of my underwear as he swept it to the side? Would he have run his tongue up my middle until all that was left was for me to come undone?
BeforeI know it, my fingers find myself underneath my shirt. Picturing him where I miss him the most, they travel down to the same spot that he occupies in my mind. There, he’s all mine. No interruptions, no audience, no sense of what’s right or wrong. I get him all to myself, for whatever I want, as long as I want, and it’s everything I’ve fantasized about since I first laid eyes on him.
In my mind, I get all of him.
And here alone, under my sheets, he gets all of me.
25
Jamison
Of course, I’m swamped at work today. I don’t know what it is about Fridays but they’re almost always nuts. The guys and I are cycling cars out of here one after another, barely taking even a ten-minute smoke break. To add to it, not only are we crazy busy, but we’re also under a time constraint. Zeke must have forgotten when he strong-armed us all into going to Maddie’s party, that most of us would have to put in a full day's work first. Not sure some of the guys will be in the mood for a party when we’re done here.
