‘Look, I know I flirt a lot and stuff, but?—’
‘It’s not who you really are? It’s just a front?’ Sarah finished my sentence.
‘Yeah. It’s a shield. I think I got so used to pretending, I forgot how to feel for real. For so long, my friends always told me that I could have any woman I wanted and I believed that. But when I realised that I couldn’tkeepa woman, it made me question everything. Like whether I was enough. So I focused on my strengths.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘My ex said I was hot and good in bed, so she valued those attributes. Just not the rest of me. To her I was just good for sex and nothing more. Friends and family said I was funny. So I played up to that. Even from a young age, I became the entertainer because I wasn’t particularly gifted academically. And that continued when I grew up. I became the man that women came to if they wanted a decent fuck. I learnt that was my place in the world. If I fulfilled those roles and didn’t expect anyone to think I was more than a funny playboy, then I’d never be disappointed. No one could ever hurt me again.’
‘Oh, Ben.’ Sarah threw her arms around me and squeezed tight.
I reciprocated, clinging to her like my life depended on it.
She didn’t know it, but holding me at that moment meant everything. I knew it was good to let this all out, but it was draining too. Having to relive all of the pain and the hurt all over again was like pouring vinegar into a fresh wound.
Eventually I pulled away. I had to. It felt too good.
It was clear that I was falling for Sarah. It was ludicrous thatIwarnedherabout catching feelings, yet I was the one who was guilty of that.
‘I’m so sorry for everything you went through. Is that why you left California? Because you were tired of the partying and living a lie?’
I paused, then swallowed hard.
It’d be easier to end this confessional now. Sarah already knew enough. If I told her the full story, she’d really think I was pathetic.
‘Yes,’ I said quickly. ‘Sort of.’
‘Sort of?’ Sarah’s face crumpled.
Shit. I was supposed to sayyesand leave it at that. But there was something about Sarah that made me want to open up. She was really easy to talk to. Maybe I should stop hiding and get everything off my chest.
Once and for all.
‘Yes, I was done with the partying, but I still could’ve stayed.’
‘So why’d you leave?’
I took a deep breath and tried to muster up the strength to tell her about the thing that happened that was the last straw.
The thing that truly broke me.
‘Because then my ex did something incredibly cruel. Something that hurt me even more than the jilting and cheating. Something that was utterly unforgiveable.’
60
BEN
‘Jesus!’ Sarah winced. ‘What could be worse thanthat?’
I dragged my hand over my face.
God, this was really hard.
‘So when she jilted me, she also left the apartment we shared and thankfully I didn’t see her. Which was obviously a good thing.’
‘Course. If you kept bumping into her, it’d be like reopening the wound, right? Having to relive the pain all over again.’
‘Exactly.’ I nodded. I knew Sarah would understand because she’d also done her best to avoid seeing Trent and Esme after they betrayed her. ‘I hadn’t seen her for years, which suited me just fine. But then about four months ago I bumped into her with her husband. And their daughter.’
