‘As much as you want to fight your feelings, you aren’t wired that way. It’s part of being human.’
‘Asexual people exist, Joanie. I can be one of them,’ Lorelai said feebly.
‘Of course they do… but you aren’t one of them. And that’s OK.’ Joanie knelt down next to her and pushed Lorelai’s dark hair away from her face. This simple gesture of friendship was enough to undo Lorelai.
‘It’s not. It’s not OK,’ Lorelai wept, the tears coming thick and fast. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do.’
Joanie pulled her closer, stroking her hair. ‘You’re not going to do anything. Whatever happens, happens. There’s no point in worrying about it until it does. But I really think it’s time to rethink your I’m-going-to-be-alone-forever life plan.’
‘I can’t. It’s too much.’
‘I didn’t say it’d be easy. Or fun for that matter. But I’ve known you a long time and I’ve never seen you light up at themention of a guy before. Up until now, your plan of celibacy has been fine because the best option you’ve had is Riggs. But this guy from your book club, whoever he is, seems to have made an impression and I think that’s a sign.’
‘A sign of what, weakness?’
‘Will you stop it? To love someone, let someone in, it takes strength. Especially when you do so despite the thousands of reasons not to.’
‘There are amillionreasons not to.’
‘Well, then, you’ll be a million times stronger when he asks you on a date and you say yes.’
And with that Lorelai vomited once more.
Lorelai didn’t kiss anyone again until she was eighteen. Eventually, she convinced herself that she’d made the whole thing up. She had always had a vivid imagination so the most horrifying experience of her life must have been nothing more than a confusing childish fantasy borne from an over-active mind. Over time, she’d turned the experience into something worse than it had been. And so, when, drunk at a house party, Thomas Schumer kissed her, she let him.
But no.
She screamed into Thomas’s mouth when she saw the knife plunge into his stomach. He was standing on a street, outside some kind of bar. He was only a few years older than he was now, and that scared Lorelai more than anything. Both Thomas and Arthur were closer to death than they realised. Sobbing, Lorelai tore out of the party, leaving a stunned and speechless Thomas in her wake.
The following morning, all Lorelai wanted to do was stay in bed and block out the world, but her grandmother was coming over and no one could make her feel better like her grandmother could. Sylvia, her mother’s mum, was a confident woman who was unashamedly herself. She wore floor-length silk robes, covered in a kaleidoscope of patterns, that gave the impression she wasgliding rather than walking. After Lorelai’s grandfather passed away, Sylvia had never remarried and instead she lived her life boldly and brightly, surrounded by her friends. She was getting slower as the years went on, but she still got the train down and visited twice a month, bringing a delicious bake in a mint-green tin that usually took all three of them to twist open.
On this particular Saturday, Lila had put together an afternoon tea for them all. Her father would have loved to have joined them, but Lila had shooed him out of the house. ‘A girls’ lunch,’ she’d called it. Lorelai kept stuffing finger sandwiches in her mouth to avoid making conversation but as soon as Lila left to get more jam and cream for the scones, her grandmother quickly took hold of Lorelai’s wrist.
‘Something’s wrong, sweetheart. What is it? Tell me now before your mother comes back.’ She was gazing at Lorelai with such intensity, Lorelai had to look away.
‘Nothing’s wrong!’ Lorelai shoved a piece of quiche in her mouth and pulled her hand back.
Sylvia took her granddaughter’s chin between her fingers and turned Lorelai’s head from side to side. ‘You’ve not been this quiet since the day you were born and there’s something different about your eyes… They look older.’
‘Geez. Thanks Gran!’ Lorelai pulled away.
‘Well?’ Sylvia looked her dead in the eyes. A stare she couldn’t easily escape from. She could feel the confession forming on her tongue, ready to burst out in one great sob. If anyone was going to understand the absurdity of her story, it was her grandmother, and here she was, giving her a chance to unburden herself of the great weight she’d been carrying around for the last five years.
‘Cream first? Or jam? That is the question!’ Lila chirped as she returned to the garden.
‘Don’t be silly, darling. Only monsters put the cream on first,’ Sylvia said, her tone light again. She reached for the jam. Before she knew what she was doing, Lorelai reached for the clotted cream, tore off the lid and smeared it over her scone. She looked pointedly at her grandmother, desperately hoping she’d understand. Praying she would realise this was a way of communicating that she was not OK without alarming her mother.
Sylvia watched her granddaughter closely during the rest of the afternoon, but there wasn’t another chance for the two of them to be alone until it was time for her to catch her train.
‘Lila, would you fill my water bottle for me please? I get ever so thirsty on the train home,’ Sylvia asked as she was getting to ready to leave. Lila disappeared, leaving grandmother and granddaughter alone. Lorelai’s heart was racing.
‘I’m going to say this once and only once.’ Sylvia took Lorelai by the shoulders and turned her to face her square on. ‘Whatever is troubling you, do not keep it in or it will eat you alive. Are you listening to me, Lorelai? Secrets eat you up from the inside until there is nothing left. It’s a dangerous game to play and one you won’t ever win.’ Lorelai bit her lip. ‘Whatever it is, you must tell someone. You can trust me, my darling. And trust me when I say this, there are people out there who may understand what you’re going through much better than you might think.’
Lorelai lifted her head to look at her grandmother then and, for a split second, she saw a look flash across her face. It was a look she knew well – the look of someone who was keeping a secret, carrying a burden they wanted rid of.
‘Here we are!’ Lila wiped down the water bottle with a tea towel and handed it back to Sylvia. She glanced between her mother and her daughter, noticing their serious expressions. ‘Everything alright?’
‘Fine!’ Lorelai smiled.
