Joanie had chuckled down the line by way of an answer, and Lorelai had been hit with another wave of heavy sadness. It would take more than ice cream and cocktails to make her feel better. What Lorelai had felt for Grayson hadn’t been a ‘forbidden fruit’ situation. She had met men before who had shown an interest in her and not one of them had ever awoken the kind of feelings in her that Grayson had. Never once had that part of her raised its head in interest until Grayson had walked into the small function room and helped himself to tea in a polystyrene cup and a broken custard cream. She would never find the words to accurately describe what it was about him that made her light up, that made her feel warm from the inside out, that made her trust him when the thought of trusting someone scared her so much. It was its own kind of magic and she knew better than to try to explain something unexplainable.
‘Beautiful, isn’t it?’
The voice came from her left, slightly muffled by the sea breeze. Another passenger. She had wondered if she might get a few people trying to talk to the lonely girl who was travelling on her own. She had prepared a few polite phrases about enjoying the peace of being alone but she didn’t expect to have to use them so soon. She dare not look at the person trying to engage her in conversation in case they took it as an invitation to continue.
‘Very,’ she said, hoping that was enough to satiate this stranger’s need for conversation.
‘Too bad you didn’t get to spend longer in the city.’
‘Mmm,’ she agreed automatically, hoping that this chat wouldbe over soon. It took her a few seconds to fully process what the stranger had said. The speed of her own thoughts, the noise of the people around her, and her heavy heart seemed to have dulled her senses. She knew that voice. Of course she did. Yet she still didn’t dare to turn her head towards him, for fear she may be hallucinating. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked softly, testing the waters.
‘Well, someone told me if I got on a plane, that would be game over for me. And although I don’t entirely understand what she meant or how she could possibly know, it freaked me out enough to find a different way home,’ Grayson said.
‘And it just happened to be this cruise at this time?’
‘No… Joanie might have had something to do with that.’ ‘She called you?’
‘No. I called her. It’s not every day you meet a psychic and you left in such a hurry. I have a few more questions and needed to find you.’
Lorelai finally turned to him. There he was. She wasn’t imagining it. He was standing there, and if she reached out she could touch him. ‘I’m not a psychic and… I know how it sounds, Grayson.’
He was keeping the November chill at bay under a thick coat, a knitted scarf and a pair of grey fingerless gloves. She wanted nothing more to be close to him, sharing his body heat, feeling his arms around her. Maybe he would let her. He was there, in front of her, wasn’t he? Asking questions, trying to understand, despite everything she had put him through. That had to count for something.
‘Before these last few weeks, I had never dreamed of tellinganyone. Anyone other than Joanie, that is.’ Grayson raised an eyebrow. ‘Yes, Joanie knows. She thinks I’m a superhero.’
Another person she’d put through hell because she wasn’t willing to put the effort in to understand herself. It was easier to be a mess and let everyone else pick up the pieces than it was to do the work yourself and take responsibility, to hold yourself accountable. But she was ready now – it was time to make a change.
‘She’s the one person who said from the beginning I needed to trust you. To let myself feel whatever I was feeling for you and open up. She’s been your biggest champion since day one. But I tried and I failed. I freaked out and fell at the first hurdle. And even though I have ruined things with you, I couldn’t just sit back and let you die, Grayson. I just couldn’t.’
Lorelai’s voice cracked, and she started to cry for what felt like the hundredth time in twenty-four hours. Grayson took a step forward, reaching out to her. She couldn’t believe he was here, now offering her comfort and her heart called out to him. She felt the pull towards him but Lorelai resisted.
‘Just wait. I’m on a roll. These last few days have been the most I’ve ever talked about this properly and I don’t want to scare this confidence away.’ Grayson nodded slowly, lowered his arms and wrapped them around himself instead. ‘For so long I’ve thought of myself as a monster. That this thing I can do is uncontrollable and so I locked myself in a cage. I didn’t trust myself around anyone and I didn’t trust anyone around myself. But I realise now, too late, that it’s not enough to shrug and say, “This is what life is like when you’re a monster.” Especially when you’ve made no effort to discover what kind of monster you areor even if you are a monster at all. Meeting you has made me question everything, and I didn’t know if I was strong enough to face up to it all, but I think I am now, and that’s because of you. If I’m capable of seeing death then maybe I’m meant to be capable of… saving lives, too.’ Lorelai paused to catch her breath.
‘I’d really like for you to stop calling yourself a monster,’ Grayson said gently, but with a determined look in his eyes. ‘That’s not who you are.’
‘How do you know that?’ Lorelai asked quietly.
‘Because I just do. Because I know you. Deal with it.’ Grayson’s voice was matter-of-fact and Lorelai couldn’t help but smile through her tears. He continued, ‘And I’d say you are definitely capable of saving lives, Lorelai.’ He gestured around him. ‘You know, if it all turns out to be true.’
‘Still not convinced?’
‘I don’t think you have any reason to lie, but is it wrong of me to want some kind of proof?’
‘It kind of is, if that proof comes in the form of other people dying on that plane.’
‘Oh god…’ Grayson’s eyes widened.
Lorelai reassured him quickly. ‘I’ve called the airline. I doubt they’ll believe me, but I said they needed to check the aircraft. I’ve asked my mother to keep calling too and say the same thing. If anyone can make sure someone double-checks something, it’s my mum.’
Grayson nodded thoughtfully, his face still etched with concern. He still needed more.
‘The first two boys I kissed both died the way I saw they would. If that’s not proof enough I don’t what is.’ Lorelai shrugged.‘There’s no real way to test what I can do. Not without watching someone suffer.’
‘Shit. I’m sorry.’
Lorelai held up a hand and waved away his apology. ‘I don’t want to become some vigilante superhero. I don’t want my life to become about kissing random strangers in order to save lives.’ She turned to the skyline. She thought about all the people in all of those buildings. How many of them were close to death? How many of them had less time ahead of them than behind them? How many of their paths could Lorelai realistically alter with just one kiss? Was wanting a normal life selfish when she had been given such a life-changing, or a life-giving, power? These were the new questions she now faced.
‘You don’t have to,’ Grayson said. ‘But maybe it’s time to think about… whatever it is you can do as being something other than a thing you need to be afraid of. It’s part of who you are and who you are is… amazing.’ His eyes brightened and Lorelai’s heart leapt.
