Lorelai could hear the rattle of a teaspoon in a mug as her mother stirred what she assumed was a freshly brewed cup of tea. Suddenly, she longed to be back in her parents’ warm house with a cup of tea of her own. Not in cold and brutal New York where she felt desperately unwanted.
‘Not since I saw Grayson. I’ll call her when I get on the boat and she’ll be waiting for me in Southampton.’
There was no way Lorelai was getting on a plane for obvious reasons, so she had spent a considerable amount of her savings booking herself onto a five-day cruise across the Atlantic, which finished in Southampton where Joanie had promised to meet her. Five days alone with nothing but her thoughts and battered heart for company, but it was what she needed. Time to be alone and regroup before getting back to reality.
‘Well, you make sure to call me when you get back to London.’
‘Actually, Mum… would you mind if I came and stayed a bit longer? I don’t think I’m quite done asking questions.’ It was a snap decision but relief flooded her as she said it.
‘What about the cinema?’ Lila asked and she was right. She had no holiday left to take, and Wesley wouldn’t hold her position for her forever. But for the first time in her life, she wondered if working at the cinema was where she was really meant to be.
‘Maybe… maybe this was the push I needed to quit.’
‘But darling, you love working there!’
‘I know. I know I do, and I would really miss but. But maybe …’ Lorelai’s heart pounded as she thought about what she wanted to say. She knew she had to say it out loud to someone before she scared the feeling away. ‘Maybe it’s time I do some dream chasing after all. Running the Page to Screen Club was a fun distraction but it just isn’t quenching my thirst like I thought it would. Maybe this is the push I needed to quit my job and finally show my scripts to someone who might actually be able to make my dreams a reality. And anyway, it’s not just about work. I’ve spent so long feeling alone when I didn’t have to, and now I need my family more than ever. I needyoumore than ever.’
‘Oh, darling—’ Lila’s voice caught ‘—I would love that.’
‘OK, Mum. Thank you. For… all of it, you know.’ Lorelai felt the sting of fresh tears and she knew she needed to hang up soon or she would never stop crying. ‘Speak soon. Love you.’
‘I love you, too. Don’t you forget it.’
Lorelai finished packing, cried some more before taking a shower, and then she cried again. She fell asleep eventually, and when her alarm woke her there was a blissful second of innocence beforeeverythingcame flooding back. She allowed herself one final cry before leaving the hotel. She gave her room a mournful look before she closed the door and headed to the hotel’s reception.
‘Hi, I’m just checking out.’ Lorelai kept her puffy eyes down, hunting for her sunglasses at the bottom of her bag.
‘Room number?’ the woman at the desk asked.
Lorelai noted that they must be around the same age and shelonged for the same authority the other woman had. She held herself in a way Lorelai could only dream of, and she looked like an adult. An adult who had her life together. Whereas Lorelai felt decidedlyuntogether, and had no idea what to do next once she returned to her life. Where did she go from here?
‘Eighteen-zero-two.’ Lorelai shook her head so her hair fell over her face. The woman tapped away on the computer.
‘Says here that you’re not due to check out until tomorrow.’ The woman’s perfectly tweezed eyebrows came together in puzzlement.
‘I know but… family emergency,’ Lorelai said.
‘Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ll be leaving us so soon. You have no extra charges with us so that’s everything taken care of. Is there anything else I can do for you today?’
Yes, actually. Can you teach me how to be a fully functioning adult who doesn’t feel like she’s going to fall apart at any given moment, because you seem to have that down? Or if there’s a small chance that you’re actually dying inside just like I am, can you teach me to be better at hiding it? Because you and I both know I have tears in my eyes and I look like I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.
‘No. Thank you,’ Lorelai said instead.
The taxi ride to the Manhattan cruise terminal was excruciatingly long and lonely. Standing in the queue to board, surrounded by mainly couples who were there on honeymoons or celebrating anniversaries or simply enjoying spontaneous romantic getaways, was even lonelier. The sad little tilt of the head people gave her when she said she was a party of one was enough to bring her to tears – again. And that only prompted further gestures of pity. An elderly woman even reached out and placed a reassuring handon her shoulder as Lorelai’s eyes welled up for the thousandth time that day and said, ‘Time heals everything, my sweet,’ before taking her husband’s hand and leading him onto the ship.
The ship itself was spectacular and she realised why tickets were the price they were. Lorelai could hardly believe she was in a floating vessel that was about to travel across the Atlantic Ocean. It was vast and grand, decked out in marble and crystal. Lorelai’s gaze was drawn to the large chandelier above her. It was dripping with jewels that swayed gently in the breeze, casting rainbows of light onto the guests below. She was offered a glass of champagne as she walked into the main foyer, which she downed in one long gulp. She hid the empty glass and took another, pretending she hadn’t received the first. She closed her eyes and felt the rush of the champagne go to her head and dull the pain of losing Grayson. She tried to focus on rebuilding her relationship with her mother and the fact that she would be seeing Joanie again in less than a week. While Joanie was on her mind, Lorelai pulled out her phone to give her the heads-up that she was safe and on board the ship but Joanie had beaten her to it.
Safe travels! I hear the view from the bow of the ship is spectacular. Go and get a good look at the New York skyline before you head home. You’ll regret it if you don’t. x Lorelai slowly made her way to the bow, taking in the opulence as she went. She had never experienced anything quite like it and although it made her feel out of place, she tried her best to appreciate the beauty. This was what she needed to do – focus on the positives. She made her way outside, and the sea air against her face cooled her rising anxiety a little. The view even more so. Joanie was spot on. It was breathtaking. The sun was disappearing behindthe silhouetted buildings, the light just glinting off the highest windows. She could see the queue to board the ship on the dock and it was still as long as it was when Lorelai was in it, and although she knew Grayson wouldn’t be there, she still scanned the line just in case.
She knew she would do that in every crowd she was in for the rest of her life. Search for him. For another chance to get it right. The cruelty of the situation hit her, full force – she had learned how to finally open up by pushing away the first person she had wanted to open up to. Was this yet another prank the universe had decided to play on her? She sincerely hoped the bag of tricks was now empty and the universe would leave her alone. She sighed. She would be OK on her own if that’s how her life ended up. But was love a real possibility for her now? Would there ever be anyone better than Grayson?
She felt a sharp twinge in her chest. Someone better than Grayson didn’t exist. He was it for her, she knew that. She recalled her conversation with Joanie before she had finally fallen asleep the previous evening.
‘It only feels like someone better than Grayson doesn’t exist because this is the eye of the storm,’ Joanie had said to her. ‘You won’t be able to think rationally for a while because it’s all too painful. Too raw. And maybe you only want Grayson this much because you know you can’t have him. It’s a classic forbidden fruit scenario! But that also means you can get over him faster. Just focus on getting yourself home and I’ll take care of you.’
They had both known Joanie was only saying these things to make Lorelai feel better, so Lorelai had played along. It was better than dwelling on the truth.
‘Bytake care ofdo you mean feed me Ben and Jerry’s and margaritas until I’m severely ill?’ Lorelai had asked.
