Never dwell on what might or might not have been. Spider-Man was wrong. Not all great power comes with great responsibility. It is not your job to save everyone. People come and people go. That is life. You and I are not gods. Just like everyone else, we are merely spectators. We just have a slightly wider view.
The final piece of advice to you, dearest Lorelai, is this… live. Live the life you want to live despite this secret of ours. Don’t let it hold you back. I spent too long not living how I wanted to live and waiting in vain for something to change, for things to get easier but they didn’t. At least not until I decided that this secret wouldn’t stop me from living my life. It is what it is. We either must learn how to deal with it and get on with life or live a life that’s not worth living. I decided that wasn’t what I wanted for myself and it’s not what I want for you either.
I don’t regret a single second of knowing the ending to my great love story. Your grandfather and I loved each other and when he died, we simply parted for a brief time. It won’t be long now until I’m in his arms again. That’s all death is, Lorelai. It’s not the ending. It’s the beginning of a life somewhere new. Never fear it and, more importantly, never fear yourself; remember, you are never alone.
Love from your doting grandmother who will be waiting for you when it’s your time to end one story and begin another.
Sylvia x
Lorelai re-read the letter a hundred times. Each time she felt like she could hear her grandmother gently whispering the words in her ear. Maybe she was. If her power had taught her anything, it was to never rule out any idea, no matter how crazy it sounded. Maybe her grandmother really was with her and had guided her to the letter just when Lorelai had needed it the most. Somehow Sylvia had known that Lorelai was in so over her head she no longer knew which way was up, and had led her to the letter. Until her dying day, Lorelai would believe that that was how she came to be in her parents’ dusty old loft during her time of crisis.
With trembling hands, Lorelai clung to the letter like a life raft and let it carry her downstairs, where she fell into her mother’s arms.
Twenty-Five
Lila didn’t say a word. She simply stood in the middle of the kitchen and let Lorelai wrap her arms around her until her breathing was no longer wracked with sobs. Lila held her daughter tight, her own chest rising and falling in time with Lorelai’s. In time, Lorelai became still and quiet, but she didn’t pull away. She remained in her mother’s embrace and Lila wasn’t going to be the one to break the moment. Eventually, Lorelai sighed and stepped away, her head bowed so her hair fell over her red eyes and mottled cheeks.
‘Tea?’ her mother said gently. Lorelai nodded, wordlessly.
She sat down at the kitchen island and watched her mother clinking and stirring and humming her way around the kitchen.You are not alone. Her grandmother’s words came back to her. If that were true, then it was time to tell her mother everything. Lorelai tried to find the right configuration of the right words to make the most sense. What would scare her mother the least, and what might make her accept Lorelai the most? Lorelai had had years to prepare for this moment, but she had been so sure it was a moment that would never come, she was floundering.
Now she was faced with the terrifying reality of telling hermother she had given birth to a monster. A monster who carried death with her wherever she went. Where Lorelai was meant to find warmth, she found that the icy cold fingers of death had beaten her to it. The places in life where Lorelai was meant to find acceptance, love, compassion, and the people… the person… with whom she wanted to share her life, she’d had to push away. She tried to pull some comfort from Sylvia’s letter, but those words were fighting against a lifetime of Lorelai pushing people away. Once Lorelai told her mother, she would also have to tell her about Grayson, and that seeing him die was the reason she had run away from London. She hadn’t been strong enough to see that. There was so much hurt and heartbreak intertwined with the secret itself, it was suffocating. When it was Lorelai’s alone, it was heavy, but it grew in strength when it was shared. In her case, a problem shared was a problem doubled. Her mother sat at the kitchen island opposite her, her hands wrapped around her mug.
‘Mum, I have something I need to tell you.’
‘You’re pregnant.’ Lila exhaled with a knowing smile, her head bobbing gently. She didn’t even skip a beat.
‘What? Absolutely not!’ Lorelai was incredulous.
‘Really? Oh…’
‘Did you actually think I was up the duff?’
‘Oh, don’t be so crass!’
‘Well, did you?’ Lorelai exclaimed.
‘You’ve been so subdued. I just assumed. Wrongly, obviously. Ignore me. Carry on.’
Lila chuckled but the knot in Lorelai’s stomach only tightened. Children. There was another hole that her secret’s claws wouldpuncture into her parents’ world. Did it also mean no children? It hit Lorelai suddenly. Nobiologicalchildren at least. What if this was passed on genetically? It had clearly skipped a generation with her, considering her mother suspected that Lorelai’s biggest secret was pregnancy (oh how she wished that was her biggest secret!), so she might have a child that didn’t share her secret, but what of any future grandchildren? Lorelai couldn’t risk passing this on; she would never knowingly put someone else through it. It was another thing to add to the ‘Not for Lorelai’ list.
But then… Lorelai’s mind drifted back to the albums upon albums of photographs, and the boxes full of her grandmother’s treasures. It was all sentimental fodder from a full life, well lived. A happy life. Lorelai had never known her grandmother to be anything other than seemingly fulfilled. Could that be her one day? Could she have the same carefree attitude her grandmother had had? Could she love as freely as she had? Grayson filled her thoughts again. Meeting him had changed everything. Maybe they could even get married one day, have children and feel happy?Slow down, Lorelai chided herself.You ran away from him, and now you’re thinking about marriage and babies?! Focus. This wasn’t a question for now. Now was about finding the right words to tell her mother the long-overdue truth. She started mulling over all the different scenarios, when her mother’s voice cut into her thoughts.
‘Lorelai, you know whatever it is you can tell me, don’t you?’
Lorelai glanced up at her mother’s face, realising she’d been caught inside her head again. She was on a loop of all the ways she could say what she needed to say, and how her mother might react. Lila’s expression was kind and Lorelai could feel she meant what she’d said. It was plain as day on her gentle face.
‘I know. I’m just trying to find the right words.’
‘You don’t have to. I get the feeling that whatever’s in your head right now is all a bit of a mess. So let it come out in a jumble. I’m your mother. You don’t have to be perfect in front of me. It’s my job to help you turn whatever is in there—’ Lila leaned across and tapped the centre of Lorelai’s creased forehead with the warm pad of her index finger ‘—into something that makes some sort of sense.’
Lorelai felt her eyes beginning to sting.If I cry again, I’ll never get through this so… here goes nothing.
‘Mum,’ she said, and her voice wobbled. She cleared her throat and tried again. ‘Mum. Did Grandma ever tell you anything about what happened when she kissed people?’
Lila’s cheeks tinged pink ever so slightly. ‘Erm… no, darling. I don’t think that’s a conversation we ever had,’ she said slowly, clearly uncomfortable and unsure of where this conversation was going.
‘It’s a conversation she had with me. Well… she told me in this letter. That I just found. Upstairs.’ Lorelai pulled the yellowed letter out of her back pocket and placed it on the table between them. Her grandmother’s writing glaring up at them both.
