‘Sweetheart. What’s wrong? You look so sad, darling.’ Lila perched on edge of the loft hatch. ‘Tell me what’s wrong. Please. I think it’s time for you to talk to me, Lorelai.’
Lorelai could no longer hold it in. She could no longer cope with this burden on her own. It was too much, keeping her secret all these years, and then Grayson, her fight with Joanie, and now this letter from her grandmother. It was too much. She needed someone, and here was her own mother, who she had all but ignored for years, still wanting to be that person for her.
‘Yes,’ Lorelai said, ‘I think it is.’
Sylvia almost couldn’t wait for her granddaughter’s dark hair to swish out of sight before she opened the letter. The edges were wrinkled from the sweat of Lorelai’s nervous hands. Sylvia’s fingers were stiff as they tore at the envelope’s seal, but her heart was thudding. Lorelai’s handwriting was large and shaky, as though her hand hadn’t been able to move fast enough to capture the words pouring from her mind onto the paper. It was a letter written by someone who’d been keeping a secret for far too long.
Dear Grandma,
You were right. Ihavebeen keeping something hidden and ithasbeen eating me alive. I’m telling you this because I know you’ll take my secret to the grave… is that insensitive? Sorry. You know what I mean. I know you’ll love me regardless. Even though I’ve always seen myself as a monster. Because the truth is, Grandma, I am a monster. I can see death. Not all the time, just when I kiss people on the lips. I’ve only seen it twice but both times I saw it, it was when I was mid-kiss. My last kiss was when I was eighteen, and I’ve not kissed anyone else since. I’ve vowed not to kiss anyone ever again. How can I when each time I’veended up screaming in the poor person’s face and having nightmares for weeks on end? And what if I’m causing their deaths with my kiss? Have you ever heard of anything like this, Grandma? Am I entirely alone? I feel alone. I hope you don’t think I’m crazy and I swear this isn’t a joke. I’m desperate now because I’m scared this is my life now. I’m scared that my life is already over when it’s hardly even begun.
Please help me. If you can.
I love you, always.
Lorelai
X
Sylvia didn’t weep with sorrow or gasp in shock, nor did she feel angry that Lorelai hadn’t told her sooner. Instead, she tipped her head back and laughed. The noise alerted a nearby nurse who poked his head through the door and raised an eyebrow.
‘Everything alright in here?’
‘More than alright.’ Sylvia grinned. ‘I don’t suppose you could fetch me some paper and a pen, could you? I have a letter to write.’
The nurse nodded and disappeared. Sylvia read Lorelai’s letter once more and then held it to her heart, feeling a little less alone for the first time in her whole life.
Twenty-Four
Lorelai sat on the edge of her bed and turned her grandmother’s letter over in her hands. She had told her mother that she needed a lie down, and she’d promised that they would talk later – and she meant it. Something had shifted since Lorelai had come home. Home,home. She felt the power in that second ‘home’ now. It was time to talk to her mother, of that she felt sure, and time to close the gap that had grown between them. Maybe meeting Grayson had opened her up more than she realised, or maybe it was simply the right moment, but she knew she had to read the letter from her grandmother before that conversation with her mother happened, and she knew she had to read it alone. The letter was meant for her eyes only and she didn’t want an audience while she uncovered whatever was inside.
Opening an envelope was such a simple act and yet one so terrifying to Lorelai that she felt nauseous. She sensed that this was important, and that things wouldn’t be the same once she read the letter. It was a fork in the road, and Lorelai had a choice to make. To read, or not to read. What would happen if she didn’t open the letter? Ignorance was bliss, after all. Once she read the letter, there would be no turning back. She couldn’t unreadit. The letter could be filled with her grandmother’s advice, Sylvia passing on her wisdom from beyond the grave… or it could be a brownie recipe. But if it was something like that, then why had Sylvia written Lorelai a letter and tucked it away in a photo album, without telling anyone about it? What if Lorelai had never found it? It was Sylvia’s secrecy that made Lorelai nervous.
Lorelai shook herself.Enough. Before she could overthink it any longer, she slipped her thumb under the envelope’s seal and quickly tore it open. She pulled the sheet of paper out, unfolded it, and smoothed it onto her lap. The page was filled with her grandmother’s wobbly scrawl, black ink covering front and back. Tears sprang to Lorelai’s eyes as the familiarity of her grandmother’s handwriting hit her. She missed her so much. She wished she was here. She closed her eyes, steadied herself, and then began to read.
Dear Lorelai,
Firstly, I love you. You know that. And I want you to know that I read your letter, and that that love is still there. It has not changed. I love you now and I will continue to love you from the great beyond. Even death won’t put a stop to my love for you. I knew something was troubling you, sweetheart, and I’m honoured you trusted me with your secret. But here’s something you don’t know. The reason I sensed something wasn’t right was because you reminded me of me, of how I behaved when I was keeping my secret. It took me years to open up to someone too. If you’re anything like me (which for many reasons, I hope you’re not!), you will keep this thing a closely guarded secret, only entrusting it to those closest to you. The secret being… we see death.
Lorelai’s hand flew to her mouth, and she choked back a sob. ‘Oh my god,’ Lorelai breathed, tears falling hot and fast. ‘She read my letter.’ The letter she had pressed into her grandmother’s hands the last time she had seen her. The letter she was certain her grandmother hadn’t had the chance to read. But she had, and she had penned a reply, probably sensing her end was near, and now that letter was finally in Lorelai’s hands.
She laughed in disbelief. She wasn’t crying out of sadness or grief for her deceased grandmother. It was sheer relief in its purest form. Lorelai was not alone. She had hoped to alleviate the feeling of loneliness by confessing her secret to her grandmother, but she had no idea her grandmothersharedher secret, too. Had Sylvia felt as lonely as Lorelai did? Lorelai couldn’t grasp that she was not the only person who had felt what she was feeling. There was someone else who had known exactly what she was going through. A wave of sadness hit her, then.I should have told her sooner. Did that mean there were more people out there like her? What were the chances it was just her and her grandmother? Was it a family curse? Did it skip a generation, seeing as her mother seemed blissfully unaffected? Questions buzzed around Lorelai’s mind. She turned her attention back to the letter in the hope her clever grandmother would have some of the answers.
I discovered this when I was in my teens and I retreated into my shell much like you did. Oh, Lorelai you were such a happy little child and then you vanished. Right before our eyes you disappeared and I was so desperate to talk to you. To tell you everything but I wanted it to come from you. I knew if you were anything like me, poking and probing wasonly going to force you further back into your shell. I wanted you to start the conversation on your own terms… and now you have.
Thank you for your letter. I know how hard that must have been to write but you did it, Lorelai. Your secret is no longer a secret you need to bear alone, and I hope that that weight has been lifted from your shoulders a little. I can feel the end is coming for me, and before I go I want to say that there are people in this world, who may not share our secret, but they are worthy of your trust. They are few and far between, but you’ll spot them immediately. They’ll glimmer and shine, and you’ll feel that they are your forever people. When you find them, don’t let them go.
Lorelai thought of Joanie. Joanie and her shiny smile and bright, happy eyes. The way her whole presence sparkled. Lorelai had been so angry at Joanie but as she read her grandmother’s words, that anger dissolved and disappeared in a puff of smoke. She missed Joanie; she was her sister, her family, and she loved her. She loved her so fiercely and the days of ignoring her, of not knowing what to say, were over. She would call her tonight.
Which brings me onto the very important matter of love. What we can do, Lorelai, is hard. It brings sadness and complications that most of the people you come to know won’t understand. You need to do what’s right for you, but you also need to know what is possible. I married the love of my life, Lorelai, and we really did live happily ever after. Your grandfather was one of those shiny people and from the moment I met him I knew I was headed down a rabbit hole I would never emerge from. The first time I kissed him I saw how he was going to die, and it was painful. I was in pieces, but then I realised I could intervene and stopit from happening. In my vision I had seen him die on the day of the King’s Cross fire and I’d seen the date on the front of the newspaper he was reading. He would have been caught up right in the middle of it if I hadn’t convinced him to call in sick that day and stay at home with me. We are all meant to die one day, and your grandfather was no exception, but the truth was I simply wasn’t prepared to lose him that day and so he died a lot later in life thanks to my meddling. You might wonder, like I did, if there are rules. If you save someone’s life when they should have died, does something unthinkable happen. The truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know if by saving your grandfather someone else had to take his place to maintain balance in the world. Someone may well have died in his place that day and I’ll have no way of knowing. But I’m not sorry. I don’t know what sort of person that makes me, but I will never apologise for the life we ended up having.
Lorelai had never paid much attention to their relationship when she’d seen her grandparents together but now that she really thought about it, she remembered how they used to look at each other. Lorelai had been too young to understand what was behind those looks, but she could see it now, the love in their eyes. Now she remembered the way their hands were always intertwined and how whenever her grandmother spoke of her grandfather after he passed, her eyes still lit up as if he’d just walked in the room. Her grandmother had found love and had built a life with that man, a life that had produced a child and a grandchild. Lorelai covered her mouth with the sleeve of her jumper, which was already soaked through with tears and she let out another great sob. Was it truly possible that she could have a real relationship? That she didn’t have to be alone? Hergrandmother had made it work, and Lorelai had had no idea of the secrets she had kept. Might there be a chance for her, after all, for her… and Grayson? A little flame of hope ignited within her. It was small and dim, but it was better than no hope at all.
I never met anyone else out there like me, but I met people I suspected of keeping secrets that may not have been identical to mine, but could have shared similarities. I just can’t bring myself to believe you and I are alone in all this. I’m sorry we never talked about this more. I was scared that pushing you to talk about it when you weren’t ready would only push you away, but I hope this letter brings you a little comfort. You’re still so young, darling, don’t close yourself off from the world.
If I can leave you with anything to help get you through this, it’s these three simple rules.
Never tell someone how they’re going to die. No one wants to be burdened with that information. Even if they say they do.
